Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I'm trying that Bore Me To Sleep podcast. I hope I don't get the heebie jeebies in an hour from it

Dear T,

Well, I didn't email. I had a couple moments, but got through them. Not sure if I will tonight.

I did work on a little writing.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

And tonight, I did a bit of microfiction. But I might email. I made it 8 days. That's pretty good. I think you'd agree. Plus, you might be home by now (or at least by tomorrow morning, when you'd read my email).


Love,
LT

Dear T,
OK, I emailed. I don't expect much, just an acknowledgment of your existence, really.


Love you,
LT

What do people even do on Sundays. Why does everyone seem to disappear. Is there some kind of sunday ritual I'm meant to be doing. I hate Sundays.

I'm waiting until after I see my pdoc to email you. But I've been trying. That one situation I stressed out about worked out as best as it could. Yesterday I watched soccor and game shows. I'm hanging on.

After what we talked about last week, I'm beginning to think a LOT about the difference between being "done" and "done enough". I mean duh, I'm not done. But, is anybody ever really?! Maybe I am just done enough.

Please help me be honest about the impact of this. I didn't have a chance to just be sad that my friend died.

The reality of the situation added layers that I hadn't thought about.

Dear T,
Disappointed we'll need to meet virtually tomorrow, but I appreciate your not wanting to give me your cold. And I'd certainly prefer meeting virtually to not meeting at all. Also glad you texted tonight instead of waiting till tomorrow morning.
Love,
LT

Plot twist: we discuss so many sleep podcasts to use and last night I didn't use Spotify at all and I slept almost 11 hours straight.

I miss the days when I could put some new strings on an instrument, make some noise, and make it all go away.

Dear T,

I hope we can meet in person Wednesday. I'm sure today it was partly that you're sick and partly that it was virtual, which I'm not used to, but I felt quite disconnected. And you probably forgot the agreement from the pandemic sessions, but it upset me a bit that you left the Zoom meeting first. Not something worth mentioning though, unless we have to do Zoom Wed. again. Sorry for rambling about the Super Bowl in the end and going over time slightly, just trying to connect a little there, I guess.

Feel better. In part because I care and in part so we can meet in person Wed.

Love,
LT

My pdoc asked how often I saw you and I said once a week but that you allow emails so I email you about twice a week.

Yeah I was throwing a bit of shade on purpose to my transference T but I think it flew over his head anyways.

'Why are some hell bent upon there being an answer
While some are quite content to answer 'I don't know'?'

- David Bazan, Curse Your Branches

Thinking about the words I wrote to Steve in that letter, that unknowingly echoed his words to me.



I know I'll never wrap my head around it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I'm trying to get up the energy to think of telling you whats going on. The not getting the job. The 2 new meds. My mind is like melted butter right now though

omg, it just keeps getting worse. I have to take penny to the vet, and I still don't know how I am going to get her in the carrier. also, I am scared to see what is wrong,

I'm feeling things a bit. Yeah I know. The antibiotics I didn't finish. Its just a cold so I should be fine for our session

I wasn't expecting the topic of my facebook "research" to come up today but I guess it's a good thing. I appreciated you telling me it's okay; those are words I often fantasise about you saying to me. It was also nice when you asked me if I was okay as you probably saw how ashamed I was feeling. Hearing you say you think we should talk about this more was sort of encouraging although I know I will continue to struggle to do so. I want to tell you that I found your instagram profile with your drawings and I enjoy looking at it even though you haven't posted on there in a long time. It helps me feel more connected to you. That's really all this is about. I just miss you. Also, I wonder what things we might have in common. I know of a couple but I wonder if there's more?

Dont know if you know this already, but:
Not finishing your antibiotics doesnt affect just you. By science-magic (sorry, i dont know how else to explain it), your personal cooties as well as their all their children and relatives floating around out there develop a resistance to that antibiotic, making it less effective for anyone in the entire world who is prescribed that antibiotic, not just you.

So yeah we would encourage you to prioritize finishing your antibiotics. I know it gets yucky towards the end of the scrip, you can smell them in your pee like they were not processed, but this letting your sinus infection get halfway better then flare up again, may be okay for now (which it isnt really), but in the future you may contract another infection (esp given all your past surgeries) that they will have a hard time taking down.

It already happened. I'm full blown sick now with a cold. I did move my appointment to virtual since I'm hacking a lot and blowing my nose and stuff.

Dear T,

I hope I can feel more connected to you tomorrow. That it's just that you were sick. That you'll be more recovered tomorrow and more like your usual self. I keep thinking of ways to try to explain what felt off, but all the ways I've thought of to explain it to you just sound weird. Like, "You aren't smiling with your eyes as you usually do" (aka "smizing" per Tyra Banks on ANTM, but no way you'd know that reference!). Or other ones. Or simply, "You just don't seem like...*you*."

I think I need to feel that from you before I bring up the thing from the Friday before you went away. It's a positive thing, but I could see it heading in an odd/bad direction if you're not firing on at least most cylinders. I just need to figure out what to talk about--the best way to either reconnect or, if that doesn't seem to be happening, make productive use of the time--maybe talking about something more practical, say, or something that's particularly in your wheelhouse such that you could practically do it in your sleep.

Love,
LT

Makes sense to me, LT.

Hope you can feel 'safer' with him.

Thanks, Lost!

I wept this morning.

My friend sent me this

I don't think I'm done, but I can only do that active grieving in small doses.

Therapy is stupid. Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I felt like waving a white flag from my car window and shouting I QUIT!!!!!!