Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Can you PLEASE convince me I CAN recover, and it's a good idea to do PHP even if I'm scared, and that the freedom of not being so locked up in my mind and obsessed is worth "losing control" of this one thing? Because I'm not sure of any of those.

Music has helped me more than therapy could, over these past few weeks. I’m happy without you.

Ready to finally get back to gym after a two week gap.

Dear T,

Hope I'm making the right choice in meeting tomorrow. I decided to turn off the people-pleaser part of me and go with what you were offering and what I wanted. As you could have just said no. Progress?

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Of course, now I'm doubting my decision.... But if this thought I just had is possibly correct--regarding who all this "love stuff" is actually about--then it could be an important discussion. Maybe it would have been better for me to have had more time to think on that first, though--I guess we'll see how it goes.


Love,
LT

Tomorrow let me bring up
-the fights between S and me
-Wanting to do PHP (but being terrified, especially after reading family therapy is required. What if you don't have family and all you have is a roommate/bandmate who won't want to do it?)
-How I need to abuse meds for more than 30 minutes of sleep, and that always backfires the next morning.
-J lied to you and never followed up "why don't you want to do PHP?" (answer: don't want to lose control of the one thing I have control over) with "What would i t look like if you did let go of this obsessive control of your body?" and I've thought about it, and it would look like freedom. But like, at first it'd be the freedom you get when you just get out of a really long IP stay where you're feeling really fragile and you don't know how to take care of yourself and everything's overwhelming and you don't know how you'll ever adjust.

Dear T,

OK, that was helpful. Now I have to decide about tomorrow...Wish you'd give me till later than 2, but I understand. It's not so much that I feel bad about things we discussed today, but more like maybe I want to continue on the topic of D more. But then, we could also just do that Monday. I imagine if I cancel at 2, you also wouldn't instantly give it away (you tend to say if you expect that to happen, but then I also know that you could get an unexpected request for a session). So I could try asking for it back later if I change my mind. I'll just see how this all "marinates," to use your word, over the next couple hours.

Also, I "rapport" you.


Love,
LT

I don't think you really cared to hear me ramble about my vegetarian diet and my almond and chocolate milks and what dairy I do and don't eat. Because nobody cares to hear that stuff.

But it was a good session.

seriously, what is going on? why am i having these extreme reactions? and i want to talk about D, but i dont even know if we will have enough time because i have so much ***** to deal with. please help me understand.

The closer I get to telling my truth, the louder the Critic gets.
We both know this.

It was hard to hear you talk about my admiration for Steve in the past tense, but it's also ****ing true.

Man, L, I haven't laughed that hard in a looooong time. It was so needed!! Laughing-crying is so much preferable to this-****-is-hard-crying. I did plenty of that last Friday and at the beginning of today. I mean damn, what did I think was going to happen when I told you what I did when I got there? Of course you asked what you asked. Derp on me.

And, I freaking forgot to tell you I got a sponsor finally. Oh well. I'll tell you when we meet again in 2 weeks.

Dear T,
I think I made the right decision in not going today? I mean, i wish I could have talked to you more about D's appointment tomorrow. But the stuff with H seeming rather dubious about it didn't really come up till this evening anyway. And I'd already discussed it some with you.

I think I just sort of needed to give my brain a break from therapy and let all that we talked about settle. Instead of adding more to the mix (and potentially going in a bad direction). I felt OK about our discussion when I left yesterday, and that seemed to last--though I do appreciate the few extra hours to decide about today. I assume you realized that was me needing time to make sure there were no grenades.

And this seems so silly, but I'm glad you replied to my "have a nice weekend" text in kind after the exchange about taking today off your schedule. We usually wish each other a nice weekend, and it felt weird not doing that. (You probably thought I'd come in though?) I guess I just wanted something beyond "no problem." (Even like "No problem, see you Monday.") I know that's just how you can be over text at times, and you may have been replying in the midst between clients or as you were heading out the door. But those little niceties can help me not be concerned you're annoyed that I asked for extra time and ended up canceling.

Love,
LT

Dear Dr. S - so I wrote you... 3 weeks is a good amount of time between emails. Your reply this time felt more - felt better. I forgot to tell some things. Maybe it's ok that I didn't. You didn't directly answer my question and I think you did answer it indirectly. If I was truly living each day in the present, I would email you more often.

Dr. H - if we are to connect you are going to have to give me more time. It's just that simple.

Dr. P - part of me is goodbye and good ridden; part of me still wonders what working with you would have been like in the end. Your strictness and general energy doesn't sit well with me even though Dr. S. says you are kind and smart. I did not find you compassionate even when you tried to be.

Dr. D (pDoc) - you know I'm kind of letting you go. I'm not sure you realize it.

OT - I miss you. Your lack of a response has been very annoying and disappointing.

My energy levels and moods and anxiety and depression have improved and I've been doing all the intuitive stuff we have been talking about. I know my vitamin D levels were pretty low but the vitamin pills made me sick. So my doctor told me to drink milk instead. I've been drinking a glass or 2 of almond or oat milk a day and I'm wondering if my level is rising and thats why I'm feeling better.

Dear T,

Interesting how I was in panic attack mode basically until the moment H and D left...then I was totally fine and talked to Dr. H for another 90 minutes. Perhaps it was a hormonal hot flash or from the Nurtec, but I suspect it was at least partly the tension in the room--D not wanting to be there and H probably not wanting to be there either.

I feel like I did something to advocate for D's well-being today. Will any of these tests reveal anything, where treating it/them could make a difference in how she's feeling and functioning? Who knows. (Though I can't believe she doesn't have some sort of nutrient deficiency from her diet, if nothing else.) But at least I'll feel that I've tried...

Felt a little sad being in your waiting room but not seeing you. Looking forward to filling you in Monday.

Love,
LT

I'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry I don't remember a ****ing thing we talked about in therapy
I want to talk to on call so badly right now but n o one's answering and they just say to call NH rapid response but there's a 30+ minute wait. for them and I c an't wait that long I justt wanna sleep and I could be if you didn't **** UP MYU FUCJIOGPFDJ KZV DKAVJDF ,C./,MJIO;AERFX/,..LFSZ/M. DS

sometimes i want to keep doing this work with you forever, and sometimes it all just feels so hopeless like 'what's the point'. this morning i am feeling the latter. i'm nervous as hell about Tuesday morning and I ****ed everything up and didn't get the support from you that I'd wanted/needed and it's my own damn fault because i didn't ASK for what i needed. stupid artie, stupid.

eta: it's also really odd to have such absolute opposite feelings about Friday's session. The beginning sucked eggs, but we got through it and the rest of it was good. Really good, at the end. Although I admit there IS a teeny little part of me that felt that the way you read that last dream was to punish me by making fun of it to retaliate for what I said when I first got there - but most of me knows that's totally ridiculous. You respect dreams too much to ever make fun of someone else's. Besides I could see the humor in it too after our previous conversation! It really was funny.

Although I think my dream-maker is a little peeved that we laughed on Friday. I didn't remember any dreams from last night... I'm going to light a candle tonight before I go to sleep and do a little ritual to honor my dreams, as I really want them to continue. They've been so full of good information the last few weeks...

I am calm.
This is why I like drugs.
What have you done for me lately?

Dear T,

I hate how anxious I get hearing about serious accidents in our general area. I hope you and your family are OK. This is clearly a paternal/maternal transference thing for me, but I feel awkward talking about it.

Love,
LT

i hope we can help prioritize what to talk about tomorrow. too much. i’m sure last night’s breakdown should probably be high on the list.

J,
How do I get the cajones to say "yes, sign me up for PHP"? I know I need a higher level of care. But I looked up the schedule and 3 SNACK/MEAL TIMES IN 6 HOURS???????????

how on earth have you put up with me for so long? i mean i seriously want to ask you that.

Dear T,

You seemed off today, tired, and a bit distracted maybe. Hopefully not sick (beyond a minor cold or something) or dealing with something bad in your outside life.

What's interesting right now is that I'm assuming it's not about me. Yes, I asked about the canceling of Friday's session, that I hope that didn't bother you, but that was early in session, before I noticed your being more off. And I accepted/believed your answer. I'm not sitting here thinking, "You are probably actually annoyed with me and didn't want to say it." Or "Maybe you're bothered by some of the discussion Thursday." I definitely would have been doing that a year ago, probably even 6 months ago. So...progress?

Of course, I ust had the thought that it would be rather ironic if you actually *are* annoyed with me, the time that I'm assuming you're not! But that's really not the vibe I got. Just hope you're OK, whatever it is. And that you'll seem more like your usual self on Wednesday. As that would suggest it was a transient thing.

Love,
LT

Did you ever hear the song Only Hope from A Walk To Remember and think of me?

100% not. Artists we both like remind you of me when you hear them outside sessions. At least you told me one time you thought of me when a song came on

Dumb thought I had