Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Going to freaking Massachusetts for PHP or IOP really isn't an option and I do NOT want to do IP

Dr. S. Do you realize it's been 2 weeks since I emailed you last? Have you even noticed?

The sadness is still heavy. Motivation is still lacking. The mind is much more quiet.

I am still confused by the duality of your statements -- maybe you were confused when you said them.

I'm not in the mood to really contact you this weekend. Theres no need to plus you said you were traveling for Thanksgiving. I haven't been thinking much about you tbh. Since our last session. I've been focusing on other things.

Well, you will be glad to hear I (finally) got a sponsor in CoDA tonight to help me work the steps more completely. On my own I've kinda jumped around and done bits and pieces here and there of all of them. But honestly, I'm still stuck on step 3, and I should have gotten a sponsor a lot sooner than now! But I am going to just be grateful that I made myself ask someone and that she said she would walk me through the steps, and I am not going to beat myself up about waiting so long to ask someone.

oh you are gonna love what just happened when I tell you.

Dear T,

I really hope you don't end up being away during that time. I know you're probably a therapist rarity in that you tend to work a few days between Christmas and New Year's. But, as you know, that's a stressful time for me. I do appreciate your explaining why you might have to be away and saying that it's only a 10% chance. Though the way my mind works, I'm thinking, "Well, it will likely happen then."

Of course, you have to know that I'm wondering what relative it is. I don't think it would be your parents, as I'm pretty sure they're local. Unless by "traveling," you just mean staying at someone else's house the next county over. Maybe a parent of your wife's? I don't want to ask. And I guess I also wonder, from what you said about the surgery, if it's something like a knee replacement, where it's not a case where their life is threatened by their condition. As opposed to something like surgery for a cancer, though I image that would be more urgent. Would be kinda funny in a way if it was for a hernia because of H.

And I think I do need to talk about the other thing I mentioned, the love thing from a year ago. I just got scared today and couldn't do it. It seems silly that I feel the need to reconnect with you first after less than a week away, but there we are. We'll see about Wednesday...

Love,
LT

I told my mom today I think I've been to more medical appointments then sessions with you, and she agreed. But I kinda miss you today.

My dream-maker is continuing to not disappoint. I had another good one night before last that we'll have to talk about. Oh and I had a short email discussion with my new coda sponsor earlier - i think she hit the nail on the head about why i'm struggling so with step 3. we can talk about that a little too maybe.

L,
I'm trying so hard to engage with G, but he is just so passive. J figured it out: G doesn't show curiosity. He doesn't ask questions or offer advice. If someone just wanted a kind blank slate therapist, then G's for them. If I didn't put forth energy to make the conversation continue, we'd sit in silence. You left me with this person who isn't helping! I have no therapist as of right now and I'm struggling. I need help, but there is nowhere to turn.

Sorry both pdoc and T for the freak out emails. I just needed to take something for my cold. Now I just want vegan chicken nuggets instead of a med increase.

Can you PLEASE convince me I CAN recover, and it's a good idea to do PHP even if I'm scared, and that the freedom of not being so locked up in my mind and obsessed is worth "losing control" of this one thing? Because I'm not sure of any of those.

Music has helped me more than therapy could, over these past few weeks. I’m happy without you.

Ready to finally get back to gym after a two week gap.

Dear T,

Hope I'm making the right choice in meeting tomorrow. I decided to turn off the people-pleaser part of me and go with what you were offering and what I wanted. As you could have just said no. Progress?

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Of course, now I'm doubting my decision.... But if this thought I just had is possibly correct--regarding who all this "love stuff" is actually about--then it could be an important discussion. Maybe it would have been better for me to have had more time to think on that first, though--I guess we'll see how it goes.


Love,
LT

Tomorrow let me bring up
-the fights between S and me
-Wanting to do PHP (but being terrified, especially after reading family therapy is required. What if you don't have family and all you have is a roommate/bandmate who won't want to do it?)
-How I need to abuse meds for more than 30 minutes of sleep, and that always backfires the next morning.
-J lied to you and never followed up "why don't you want to do PHP?" (answer: don't want to lose control of the one thing I have control over) with "What would i t look like if you did let go of this obsessive control of your body?" and I've thought about it, and it would look like freedom. But like, at first it'd be the freedom you get when you just get out of a really long IP stay where you're feeling really fragile and you don't know how to take care of yourself and everything's overwhelming and you don't know how you'll ever adjust.

Dear T,

OK, that was helpful. Now I have to decide about tomorrow...Wish you'd give me till later than 2, but I understand. It's not so much that I feel bad about things we discussed today, but more like maybe I want to continue on the topic of D more. But then, we could also just do that Monday. I imagine if I cancel at 2, you also wouldn't instantly give it away (you tend to say if you expect that to happen, but then I also know that you could get an unexpected request for a session). So I could try asking for it back later if I change my mind. I'll just see how this all "marinates," to use your word, over the next couple hours.

Also, I "rapport" you.


Love,
LT

I don't think you really cared to hear me ramble about my vegetarian diet and my almond and chocolate milks and what dairy I do and don't eat. Because nobody cares to hear that stuff.

But it was a good session.

seriously, what is going on? why am i having these extreme reactions? and i want to talk about D, but i dont even know if we will have enough time because i have so much ***** to deal with. please help me understand.

The closer I get to telling my truth, the louder the Critic gets.
We both know this.

It was hard to hear you talk about my admiration for Steve in the past tense, but it's also ****ing true.

Man, L, I haven't laughed that hard in a looooong time. It was so needed!! Laughing-crying is so much preferable to this-****-is-hard-crying. I did plenty of that last Friday and at the beginning of today. I mean damn, what did I think was going to happen when I told you what I did when I got there? Of course you asked what you asked. Derp on me.