Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I am so glad you sent that email saying you had to switch to telehealth. I'm under the weather myself and I was hoping you would switch to virtual.

I spent nearly 40 minutes on the phone today talking to a bereavement advisor from a charity.

I've asked them to give me a call on Tuesday.

Except now I don't want to see you at all. I am fine today and I just want to do my own stuff.

i actually kinda don't even feel like showing up tomorrow. huh.

I was in bed under 2 blankets and your sitting up and talking normally and sounding fine. Sometimes I wonder if you really are sick.

Anyways it was a good session and I am glad we did telehealth.

You thought that story was funny of me throwing a piece of Kraft cheese in my closet when I was 5 and you said "I can see you doing that."

Lol

Dr. S. It's been 2 weeks since I last emailed you. I don't have any updates so no legitimate reason to email you. And, I've come to realize that there isn't any "going/working for what I want" because what I want requires you to be willing to give it and you are not able/willing to give it anymore. So there is only accepting the letting go.

I wish you wouldn't have said the humans first statement or that when I said that you'd be gone - that it sounded so final. It is final. You are gone. And being human first for sure means different things for each of us. Maybe those comments meant something different when you said them - than the reality of the situation hit you too.

I can't say that I won't ever email you again (unless you become my T again). I am still at counting the days, each and every day -- how many days T free have I been. So I may fall. I may need the mommy you bad enough or an event be significant enough that I email you. Depending on what it is, I might text you too. I am going to try not to contact you at all.

I am immersing myself in podcasts about dealing with grief over the festive period specifically.

I want to use every single expletive in the book, because it is so ****ing hard to do this essentially alone.

I just realized what I was doing today, L. I was practicing allowing myself to feel happy without my usual fear of "if I relax and allow the happy it will make something bad happen".

I will be ready to dive back into the hard stuff we were talking about 2 weeks ago after Christmas. See you on the 29th.

...and thanks for your response to my email.

Would I go back to my transference if it was an option? I truly don't know.

I have the Saturday night blues as normal. The only time these thoughts about her creep up.

You see, if we'd had a chance to talk, I would have some idea how to navigate this. Looking at last year or 2021 doesn't help me deal with what is happening now.


Emerging from fog
Impact now evident
No easy answer

How can you say you're "here"? You are not. What you are doing is holding me in mind. That's different than being "here". "Here" means active, present, available. You are none of those things.

Scarlet...

I can really relate.

Hugs.

Part of me hoped that you might by some miracle have remembered, and get in touch with one of your 'Thinking of you today' messages.

As I wait for the woman from the charity to call me, I'm wishing things had been different somehow.

I hope I can see you in person on Thursday. I moved something to tonight so I should be totally fine on Thursday morning. You didn't seem all that sick last week. I don't get why you said you "should" be fine this Thursday.

Insanity is believing my parents will ever change, but I am always surprised at my own belief until I feel hurt by them again. They’re both blocked again for the time being. I answered the call because I wanted connection.

It’s also the Second year in a row and I’m not going back for Christmas. Still progress ,at recognising and not putting myself in uncomfortable positions when that I don’t want to be surrounded by people I don’t particularly like.

You have no right to do safety planning with me in our session. You are not my active therapist and you have no ability to provide support. My safety is up to me. I am alone. I have no therapist.

I wonder whether this time being so hard means I'll get some kind of leeway in January?

I know that's not how it works, but it would be nice to think so.

L provided more emotional support today than she usually does...because that's not really her job.

For the first time ever, I'm having to think about how to get support between Christmas and the New Year.

I know there are other options, but I can't help feeling like my anxiety over involving new people has held me back in terms of crisis planning...because that's what this is.

i wish tomorrow was over, but then it would be another day closer to friday, and that's going to be a sad afternoon for h, I and our son. ugh. i feel so bad too that i won't be able to go back to MO for my cousin's dad's funeral, I don't have the vacation time and it's not a close enough familial relationship to be covered under bereavement leave. besides with one of their adult kids living out of state, they might not be able to have the funeral until January anyway and for sure I wouldn't be able to go then. We need to talk about other stuff on the 29th so I hope I'm over all of this by then. Oh well life just keeps on happening doesn't it, despite our best plans. I'm sorry I didn't talk more about what you brought up last time when I had the chance. I kinda want to see if you'd consider doing a 90-minute session next time.

You saved my life the other night. I hope we can still be "friends." You are the best!

I do like you a lot besides the scheduling stuff and we work well together. I do wish you would push me more. Sometimes you are too nice. And if I'm being 100% honest your weight is kinda a distraction. Sorry. I'm just being honest.

Dr. S - I don't even know what I'd say to you if I saw you again. If I emailed you again. I guess I always thought myself more than another case file. But really, I wasn't. I was the same as all your case files. Just because you take/took more care with your job, with how you handle cases than lots of therapist, doesn't mean I was anything more than another case to you. No - that is more about you than me, how you do your job. I wish I would have realized that a long time ago. I'm not sure how much it would have changed things. I'm not sure it could have changed things.

Tomorrow will be 3wks. This Christmas will be the first one where I don't have mom, dad, or mommy (you). I really need to get better sleep.

I faced my fear this morning and did the thing and I never even told you I was going to. I feel stronger for it, and that's going to help with the sad thing h and I have to do tomorrow.

Dear E,

I'm doing the best I can at the moment, and I still feel exhausted.
Could it really take a week for me to 'land' after this?
I guess I have had a week's build up to the event, without my usual support system...🙄

I'm beginning to wonder how I'm going to explain the depth of this to R next month.

Yes, the festive period is one thing...but dealing with his birthday in the middle of it floored me.

Speak to you tomorrow,

Lost

Why do you think I like Daniel Tiger and Sesame Street? I watch them when my niece is over and even then I'm on my phone. I mean I'm 30 years old. I don't get why you asked what episode was on today and stuff like that. It didn't really offend offend me. I just found it kinda weird, and I had the news on all day so I wouldn't feel like a loser.