Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Mountaindewed · May 13, 2024 at 02:06 PM

Well they haven't cancelled yet. Theres still plenty of time though.

LonesomeTonight · May 13, 2024 at 04:33 PM

Dear T,

Happy 54th Birthday! Because I couldn't say it in session, though you understood my allusion to it. I suppose it was fairly obvious.

I feel disconnected from you. I don't know if it's partly because of the above, your talking about texting with your friends, unresolved stuff from last week, and/or other stuff. Guess I'll try to ponder it and write about it between now and next session, see what bubbles up.

Love,
LT

Mountaindewed · May 14, 2024 at 07:40 PM

Possible trigger:

I took zzquil because I was thinking of therapy. Its kinda like that song " you got me feeling like an overdose"

I feel it deep in my blood sometimes. Spring of 06.

MuddyBoots · May 15, 2024 at 07:08 PM

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

Possible trigger:

I'm still making decisions out of (generally passive) suicidality. Drinking--on an empty stomach at that. Binging and purging--on the most unhealthy crap and in such a matter I screw up my electrolytes/blood sugar to the point of being unsure if I'll wake up before I passed out. I've been taking walks at night in sketchy neighborhoods. Haven't overdosed since before last week's appointment though. I don't know why this stuff didn't come out today. I guess it didn't really click in my mind until after the appointment when I was walking towards this guy's apartment and called him repeatedly seeing if he was home. I don't know if I dissociated hardcore or he roofied me, but yeah, stuff happened. He didn't answer.

I really don't think it'll last long. As you know, I drank yesterday, but I didn't get absurdly drunk. You didn't see how quickly and how badly I spiraled from that last year though. My lack of life-preservation skills HAS to keep me from old age. Might keep me from tomorrow. Not overt intentional suicide. I don't think anyways, but I promise I'll call if I can catch myself thinking "I'm going to xxx" before I actually act on it.

Ugh I smell weed. It's strong, and I want to join in. Knowing these cheap fks around here though it's not the MA dispensary stuff and has some extras I don't care for right now.

ArtieTheSequal · May 15, 2024 at 09:17 PM

omgosh I love writing (and revising) poetry every day! This practice makes my soul so happy. And I'm not even writing about you/therapy anymore. How about that?

ScarletPimpernel · May 15, 2024 at 11:03 PM

I understand things happen, but I really needed you tonight. I waited all day for you. And tomorrow is extremely inconvenient for me. The night before the move? I have other things I need to do!

Mountaindewed · May 16, 2024 at 12:01 AM

Theres a song on my phone called Greenlight. It reminds me of when one of my therapists called me a greenlight for saying you don't mess with small peoples food and you don't mess with big peoples food.

Mountaindewed · May 16, 2024 at 10:11 AM

I think you'll be pretty concerned about me throwing up in my sleep. Its not as funny as having diarrhea in your sleep which you did think was pretty funny.

LostOnTheTrail · May 16, 2024 at 04:23 PM

Our soluble session was followed by a griefquake watching This is Us.

I'll make contact with the helpline tomorrow.

LostOnTheTrail · May 17, 2024 at 02:27 AM

So, the chances are I'm not your first client to cry over something inconsequential and then end up sobbing over something else?

LonesomeTonight · May 17, 2024 at 12:59 PM

Dear T,

I kind of wish you'd either confirmed or denied that it was your wife. Or, if you weren't willing to do that, to ask me how it felt if I thought that she was. I felt weird talking about it, not knowing who it was.

I do find it sort of odd that when I asked if it was you, then said, "I guess it could be a doppelganger," you said, "It was me. I wouldn't lie to you, LT." Just weird you'd throw that in.

I will do my best to put this out of my mind. I certainly wouldn't email about it. (Though, I suppose I'm going to a concert tonight--maybe I should temporarily delete Gmail from my phone!) May want to talk about it more Monday though, I don't know.

Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · May 17, 2024 at 02:52 PM

Dear T,

Also, I appreciated the "weird" exchange at the end. Felt warm and connecting, especially as we were both laughing.

Love,
LT

MuddyBoots · May 17, 2024 at 03:38 PM

I be calling later bored, hopeless, and hopefully not inebriated. I have a feeling either so little is going to happen tonight or A LOOOOT of shyts going to go down. The “passive” suicidality will kill me, but nobody cares because I don’t have a plan of overtly committing suicide.

Mountaindewed · May 17, 2024 at 07:12 PM

You looked slightly uneasy when I said "I was just dreaming about my hot PT"

Then later you said "you were just having a nice dream."

We were talking about me throwing up in my sleep.

I know you get that slight unease look when I talk about liking females. But don't worry.

Elio · May 18, 2024 at 09:37 AM

Dr. S. That was pretty bad. I don't think I would have expected it from you. I guess that is really a difference between job you and real you. You thought it was ok to do what you did now that you are not responsible for my care.

LostOnTheTrail · May 18, 2024 at 11:27 AM

Feeling raw and exhausted.

I haven't had a session like that in a very long time.

MuddyBoots · May 18, 2024 at 01:23 PM

Soooo, this morning I thought I’d spend forever traveling around the country, but my partner just asked me if I’d consider moving in with them and their roommate. Didn’t say this, but I had a complete lack of feelings toward them for a couple days, but I just had a call with them and omg the love is back. I have to go back so I guess I will see you Wednesday.

LonesomeTonight · May 19, 2024 at 06:49 AM

Dear T,

OK, I think I need to talk to you more about possibly seeing you with your wife. As I had a dream last night where I was at your house, along with H and D. And your wife kissed you on the lips a couple times, seeming possessively, though by the end, she and I were chatting like friends. Your son was also there (plus a few random relatives--it was like they were vetting me), but he was much younger than in real life, and I called him by a different name. But clearly, it's still on my mind.

Though I have plenty of other stuff from outside life to talk about, too, so probably don't want to spend *too* long on it.

Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · May 19, 2024 at 05:56 PM

Dear T,

I just feel really sad/depressed (maybe more). I don't know if it's about the conversation with H last night, getting rid of so much stuff in the house (including stuff I've had for more than 20 years), something from seeing you outside Friday, the semi-related dream last night, the usual concert letdown I tend to have, concerns about H's possible surgery, guilt, something else, or some mix of those things. Or maybe it's partly that I'm tired. Hopefully, I can figure some of it out either before or during our session tomorrow.

Love,
LT

Mountaindewed · May 19, 2024 at 10:26 PM

I googled my transference therapist and I didn't have a meltdown. Is a probiotic a magic pill or something? I know physical health goes with mental health.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,636 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,693 hugs given	May 13, 2024 at 02:06 PM #561 Well they haven't cancelled yet. Theres still plenty of time though. __________________ I'm Blue

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,636 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,693 hugs given	May 14, 2024 at 07:40 PM #563 Possible trigger: I took zzquil because I was thinking of therapy. Its kinda like that song " you got me feeling like an overdose" I feel it deep in my blood sometimes. Spring of 06. __________________ I'm Blue

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,574 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,988 hugs given	May 15, 2024 at 09:17 PM #565 omgosh I love writing (and revising) poetry every day! This practice makes my soul so happy. And I'm not even writing about you/therapy anymore. How about that?

ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,714 (SuperPoster!) 10 7,181 hugs given	May 15, 2024 at 11:03 PM #566 I understand things happen, but I really needed you tonight. I waited all day for you. And tomorrow is extremely inconvenient for me. The night before the move? I have other things I need to do! __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,636 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,693 hugs given	May 16, 2024 at 12:01 AM #567 Theres a song on my phone called Greenlight. It reminds me of when one of my therapists called me a greenlight for saying you don't mess with small peoples food and you don't mess with big peoples food. __________________ I'm Blue

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,636 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,693 hugs given	May 16, 2024 at 10:11 AM #568 I think you'll be pretty concerned about me throwing up in my sleep. Its not as funny as having diarrhea in your sleep which you did think was pretty funny. __________________ I'm Blue

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,585 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.1k hugs given	May 17, 2024 at 02:52 PM #572 Dear T, Also, I appreciated the "weird" exchange at the end. Felt warm and connecting, especially as we were both laughing. Love, LT

MuddyBoots Monster on the Hill Member Since Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 5,431 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,343 hugs given	May 17, 2024 at 03:38 PM #573 I be calling later bored, hopeless, and hopefully not inebriated. I have a feeling either so little is going to happen tonight or A LOOOOT of shyts going to go down. The “passive” suicidality will kill me, but nobody cares because I don’t have a plan of overtly committing suicide. __________________ [Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here]

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,636 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,693 hugs given	May 17, 2024 at 07:12 PM #574 You looked slightly uneasy when I said "I was just dreaming about my hot PT" Then later you said "you were just having a nice dream." We were talking about me throwing up in my sleep. I know you get that slight unease look when I talk about liking females. But don't worry. __________________ I'm Blue

Elio ............... Member Since Sep 2006 Location: in my head Posts: 2,913 18 8,780 hugs given	May 18, 2024 at 09:37 AM #575 Dr. S. That was pretty bad. I don't think I would have expected it from you. I guess that is really a difference between job you and real you. You thought it was ok to do what you did now that you are not responsible for my care.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,636 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,693 hugs given	May 19, 2024 at 10:26 PM #580 I googled my transference therapist and I didn't have a meltdown. Is a probiotic a magic pill or something? I know physical health goes with mental health. __________________ I'm Blue