Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

6 weeks, $840 saved. That's a nice chunk of change I'll be able to use on my trip to visit with my son in May.

I'm still trying to figure out how to find the closure I need inside myself. I'm not as angry today. Just still feeling the hurt. I just do not understand what happened. How everything just imploded like it did. What changed? Did I do something wrong and you can't tell me what it was?

Maybe there's nothing to understand. **** just happens sometimes. Relationships end. I need to just move on.

I am so close to messaging my transference therapist but I know I'd get into huge trouble. Someone talk me out of it

I'm trying to get my head around the conversation we'll have on Thursday.
I've started making some notes, but I'm wondering whether it might be better to just let it happen.

Might be too late, but don't do it! You'll likely regret it. (I don't judge you for wanting to, of course.)

I didn't do it. I realized it would be bad and I also realized I've been with my current therapist close to the whole time I was with my transference therapist. I was with my transference therapist for just under 2 years. With my current therapist its been 1.5 years. I just kind of snapped out of it.

Good! That seems like an important realization about the time.

OMG, T. Tomorrow is the day I give you the journal entry I wrote about this incident. my body is going insane in trying to get me the hell away from this topic of conversation. constant nausea, thrown up a few times, my mouth and jaw are swollen and it hurt to eat. My hips/butt hurt from sitting.Too much going on. I am giving y ou the letter and leaving the room. I can't take all of this physical pain anymore. I don't know what else to do

your emailed apology and added context is just what i need. i know some of it was essentially a repeat of things you said in session last week, but having them in writing to reread and process in my own time and own way is helpful. i wouldn't say this situation is completely resolved yet--no doubt i'll have more feelings and questions come up--but i'm ready to switch focus back to talking about my mother's death. well, as ready as i can be given all the conflicting thoughts and feelings i have about it.

I think you are just being kinda lazy by asking if I wanted to do zoom today instead of in person. Not that you don't mean well, but then you won't have to go into the office on Thursday. I actually never even mentioned wanting to switch sessions in my email... I was just telling you the results of my blood test mainly.

I know you don't like me napping but everyone was napping at the same time. We were tired. But thanks for being understanding about that thing that happened today. And not diving super deep into it but talking just enough about it.

It was also nice that I could tell you I was the other night and know you wouldn't freak out about it and talk about IP or IOP.

I can't believe I shared that, even if it meant you left the room when you read it. thank you for being you, and giving me the extra time to calm down some. I'm sorry you left so late! I don't know how I am going to deal with what I shared, but for right now, I am not ashamed or scared that I told you. That is progress, even if temporarily. Especially with the subject matter. I truly believe we were meant to work with each other.

I started to let some of the anger out in today's session. Granted he said the really wrong thing... he said never - that you could never see me/contact me; that Psychiatrists are held to a higher standard. I called BS on that because it can't be a never because there are communities that are too small that never talk to a previous patient would be near impossible. He finally agreed that you wouldn't lose your license if you were to contact me.

But... the truth is... that it's not an issue of losing license... it's a truth of you have no liability.. it's one of money. I didn't say that to him. You guys can phrase it however you want to make yourself feel better. But the bottom line is since you do not have a private practice anymore ... you don't have private liability insurance either... and ... that's the bottom line. Or the one I believe right now (subject to change).

My spiritual life has been bound up with grief for nearly 20 years now.
We'll talk about how it's showing up currently tomorrow, but 17 years ago today the strangest journey began.

❤️🙏

Thanks for sticking up for Emotional Lost.
She's been...heavily impacted by the last few years, and is still trying to figure out how to share publicly.

(no Artie, just STOP IT, leave it the f alone!)

I think my old therapist could possibly be at the grocery store. She said shes seen me there before around this time. I don't know too many people around here but the people I do know I defiently don't want to run into.

One of my favourite podcasts introduced me to the concept of 'grief bombs' - basically the same as triggers, but amplified even more.

Just discovered Ethan Hawke's 'Black Album', which reimagines an album The Beatles might have made if they hadn't split up.

'My Sweet Lord' is the second track, and I can't listen to that song properly these days.

So I was reminded of

'The meaning has changed now.'

Only you'll arrive at your own made end
With no-one but yourself to be offended...

Ouch.

I'm pretty sure I'm having unusual thoughts and urges. Like wanting to message my transference therapist and stuff like that. And thinking stuff I've never thought before of myself. I'm guessing its wellbutrin related. I'm not sure but I'm guessing it could be.

That was right around 11 on Sunday when I had that mini freak out. So it could be unrelated too. Why Is everything a **** show lately.

hi t,

i’m a little thrown off by that political rant. where did that come from?

me

Dear T,

Well, that brought out some paternal transference today. if he finds anything before I leave for session. In part your broad praise of my writing. But more your questioning why, instead of just focusing on the positive with working on the memoir, I had to bring up the negatives, too. I think if this were a couple years ago, I might have been offended or upset.

But, you're right. Why can't I celebrate this victory, that I've been focusing on something positive that's important to me. Instead of getting down on myself about not exercising more? I think it's about message from childhood. About being perfect, so one good thing is nowhere near that. and my own self-esteem issues (well, I guess those were planted during childhood).

I also think some of this is struggling to take the praise from you. As much as I crave praise and approval, it's difficult for me to accept.

Love,
LT

7 weeks, $980 saved now. Good heavens, woman, I paid you a LOT of money. Yeesh! I mean what in the h e double hockey sticks was I thinking?! Oh, right, I wasn't; I was under some kind of cult-like spell or something for the past couple of years. I'm not completely blaming you for that though. I had a hand in weaving it too, I think.

I used that coping skill all last night and I got the best nights sleep in weeks. I'm not sure how to tell you my sleep was better without mentioning this thing.

How can I spend so much time in need of having a conversation, and yet be unable to find the words?

Maybe you actually thought I was doing well on just 75mil of Lamictal and why you only prescribed a low dose of Prestiq. I'm just glad you did. I was more talkative today. Despite starting to puke my guts out after. But thats not your area.