Couch 247: Choose Cheese!

I did that in New Orleans. Two guys sitting there with a typewriter and a bottle of wine. Then the police came and made the typewriter poets move.

Were they any good? Or was it like wine-fueled poetry-by-numbers?

Looking back at older poems of mine, I can definitely tell when they were wine-fueled. Tis not a good thing to poem while intoxicated! At least, in my case.

The ones I saw (I was at a conference and a couple of attendees bought them) - they were not terrible. I would not say good -but not bad.

Similar to sd's assessment- not terrible. Not great poetry but fun as a memento.

The wine probably didn't hurt.

had a stressful day at work and still unresolved drama in my therapy plus i have a horrible medical appt to attend in the morning so i'm just gonna crawl under a couch cushion and hide for a while. sorry i don't have wine or poetry. i did have some excellent chocolate but i've eaten that now.

You did the right thing!

Sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope your appointment isn't as bad as you expect this morning. Hugs, if wanted.

This is a rather specific question, so I may need to create my own thread. But has anyone ever met virtually (over Zoom or whatever platform) with their T while their T was traveling and the T blurred or otherwise concealed the background? If so, did it feel weird to you? Especially if they're the type to not say where they're going?

Note that I understand he may have been blurring it because he thought it could make clients uncomfortable and/or if, say, he was staying at either a friend's/relative's place or a random Airbnb, he might be trying to protect *their* privacy (like if there were family photos on the wall or something).

This is a case where he had to finish a research article that's due Monday, and he opted to go somewhere other than his home to work on it. He's seeing clients for 3 hours a day (rather than 6 or 7 as normal), and I'm seeing him twice this week, to give the background. I don't think this is a family vacation where he's seeing clients. It's a weird hybrid where he's away but working.

Anyway, just wondering if the blurring/background hiding was difficult for anyone else. It just felt different from the many other times I've met with him via Zoom, whether from assorted rooms in his house or from his regular office. And I'm trying to figure out how to understand and explain it. (For example, wondering whether I should just cancel Thursday's session and see him when he's back, try just meeting by phone, still see him with the blurring and talk about it more--we did briefly today, but it bothered me more post-session--etc.).

I don't have zoom sessions, but have done plenty of online talks. Blurry backgrounds are often distracting to me. Maybe you could suggest he takes a picture of his usual office background and uses it as a background (you can set pictures as backgrounds on zoom)?

Oh, that's a thought. He did say he was surprised at how few default options there were in Zoom, like he briefly put on the beach with a palm tree one. I wonder if something like that even would be preferable? I feel part of my brain was trying to figure out what was actually behind him.

That makes sense.

'This person I know is in a new environment, when we are usually in the same space.'

He might even have a picture of his office on file.

Or that might be something I would do, if I had an office...

If it were me, I'd have a picture of the clients chair as viewed by me, so I can really imagine the room
(as in that's the picture I'd have on hand, but might as well force the clients to have it as a background xd)

Pdoc always uses a blurred background. L has not. H uses a blurred background when he's on a video call. I just assume it because they don't want to see the mess behind them. That's H's excuse anyway.

I do see how it can be upsetting because it's not the norm for you. And this sounds like this is not the normal place for him either. Maybe it would give away personal information or where he is located. I really disagree with him not telling you general whereabouts he is. Both T and L tell me, and it helps. I'd say bring it up with him, but I know that could have it's own problems, too.

I've never had an online session when my Ts been away, but there was one week a few months ago when she had family staying and so she worked from a different room in her house to usual. She blurred the background then, which felt really weird.

I get how unsettling it is when they're not where they're supposed to be or normally are. I think we take the familiar so much for granted and it can completely throw us when it's not there.

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Thanks, East, it helps to know you understand. During the pandemic, when Dr. T was still working from home, I was jarred a few times when he was in a different room than the usual. Like I wished I'd had a warning. Though the one time, I got to see their pet turtle, which was kind of neat, because its aquarium was in that room.

He did say today that he realized he should have told me in advance he'd be blurring it out. Because he knew I might react to it. So that's something, I guess?

I blur my background on zoom frequently, for various reasons. So do others. It’s normal. It’s better than a picture background because there are no weird images when you move, like your arm disappears momentarily.

And frankly I wish Info had blurred hers rather than me seeing the steer and elk horns mounted on her dining room wall. Or the bear rug in front of her fireplace.

Maybe he’s having a torrid affair with Info and has better sense than she does. Or maybe behind him is a bench with two drunk guys swigging wine and reciting extemporaneous poetry.

Maybe Dr T’s decision to conceal his background might symbolize a boundary or barrier within the therapeutic relationship, triggering feelings of mistrust or
Increasing the sense of distance.

How does this relate to your other relational patterns?

That could be a whole new kind of therapy all in itself..

He probably earned 3 EU credits for attending a zoom meeting on how to blur your zoom meeting background.

Thanks for the reply--it helps to hear your experience of it. Gives me a different perspective. Who knows how I (or another client) might have reacted to seeing whatever is in the background? We were sort of joking at first about what might be back there, like he was saying a half-empty bottle of whiskey (I said "or an empty one") or drug paraphernalia. I was tempted to make a joke about something else, but refrained. Maybe it was Info! Or elk horns.

And I did initially say to him that the picture background can be a problem for the reason you said--a musician I like played some free shows from home during the pandemic and used an outer space background. Parts of him would periodically disappear.

I do think it would have helped had I known in advance he was going to do that--and he said he realized he should have warned me.

My T has never blurred her background, but she once turned off the camera when she had to step away for a minute…her dog was barking.
I was really bothered by it. It took me a few sessions to finally bring it up to her. She felt bad that it had affected me. She was wearing her pajamas and she didn’t want me to see!

Helps to know that affected you--and I'm glad she told you the reason why! I tend to be careful in what I wear on video calls for that reason--in case I have to stand up.

Yes, that's what it feels like to me. Even if he had a very good reason for doing it (including that he thought it would make clients less uncomfortable to see a blurred background that whatever was actually there). But it would help to hear that.

Ha! Now I'm imagining my session being periodically interrupted by the drunk poets spouting out a poem on what I've been talking about.