Couch 248: Curiouser and Curiouser

Just 'cause the cake needed some icing...

I've just had a text from the grief support service I use informing me that my 'subscription' is coming to an end next week. I didn't realise that the weekly messages were time limited.

This is separate from everything, but another 'regime change'.

That's unfortunate. A quick search led me to this site with several different free support options for the bereaved in the UK.

Bereavement support directory

Hopefully you can find another support service (or two). Over the years I have had to do some deep dives into researching support services in order to find free support for myself outside of therapy.

There are a variety of them here in the U.S. Some are helpful to me and some...not so much. However, I find that it's very empowering to do the research, make contact, give them a try, and (hopefully) find a helpful resource for myself that can be used as needed.

Thank you so much, Inky.

I'll take a closer look at that link to see what I can find.

I'm having a very weird day today. I've been feeling pretty good the past few months and can't even remember the last time I cried about anything. Today we had a team meeting that we're supposed to be on camera for, and I couldn't get my camera to work, and I almost started crying over it! It felt quite foreign to me (still!) how quickly I was able to regulate my emotions and not shed even one tear, and just say "go on with the meeting, I'll listen while I figure this out" and eventually I got it to work. It's funny to me now, that was something L and I worked on a lot, that I was never able to do, and I don't even know when the switch flipped and I started being able to do it. I've only been aware of it happening a couple times, so it's been recent. And L doesn't even get to know.

Artie - i love when that happens! Its like, the whole time we and t were shoveling all this shyte around and up and down and over and under, an actual structure was being rebuilt and we had no idea. Except that now, there it effing is! Wth! Thats why we tell SD to "trust the process"!

Indeed!!

It sounds like a painful session. Using art seems like a really productive way to process it. Will you share it with her?

I need to get back to using writing more to process therapy stuff (beyond what I post on here)--I did a little the other night when I couldn't sleep. I plan to do some on my little mini-vacation that I'm on right now, though I don't think I have the brainpower for it left today.

Maybe I need to try other forms of art, too. Back when I did a bit of painting, I channeled some anger from a therapy session for part of one.

That seems like great progress! I feel like there's a lot from therapy that happens behind the scenes in our brains, where things are being processed, then come out when we need them. I've surprised myself a couple times lately, too.

Last in-person session in Dr. T's current office today. I said how part of why it is so difficult is because it feels like a sanctuary to me at times. He said it's about the energy in our relationship creating that feeling, not the energy of the space. And how that will continue on in his new office. Which helped to hear. Though I will really miss that office.

When I left, after we said good-byes and shook hands, I started to walk out, then turned back and said, "Goodbye, Office." I started to cry (again) and said, "Sorry." Dr. T said "It's OK" very gently. I turned back around and gave a little wave over my shoulder. Was relieved that no one was in the waiting room when I walked out.

May write more about it later. On a little solo minivacation now.

I've been seeing a NP for meds about once a month since November. We also basically have a therapy session during those meetings which was not what I expected when I started going, but I'm okay with it now. At the end of our session today he asked if I was a hugger and offered a hug. I turned him down but left the door open for perhaps another time. The therapist I've wanted a hug from won't give me one and the therapist I do not have any attachment towards is willing to give me one. Not sure how I feel about that. I'm trying to decide if I should talk with P about it or just leave it alone.

I worry about you

Admit it, you love me for my metaphors.

Just reporting: the portal of which i ordinarily have to scale walls and fjord a beast-filled moat today got my prozac prescription refilled a freakin month early. ??? Honest to god, usually i am like hey its been 3 days did you guys even see my request? And they answer we cant refill that no further explanation by which time i am splitting pills and spitting teeth

That seems really difficult, how the random one offers a hug and the one you want a hug from won't give it. It could be something to bring up to P, but I don't know. My T is very clearly not a hugger--including in his outside life--so I feel if I talked about something like this with him, he'd just be like "that is one of my boundaries, you know that." So that's a risk, unless P has been vague about it. There can be value in talking about the desire to have that. I just know in my case, my T would emphasize the boundary. Yours might be different.

But how do we know that the emotional regulation is the effect of the therapy and not the effect of not being exposed to the therapy any longer?

In which case SD should continue to distrust the process.

I don't understand your metaphors

Can we not love what we do not understand?

"He said it's about the energy in our relationship creating that feeling, not the energy of the space."

I would disagree and say it's also very much about the physical space - it's important to feel safe when working with a T and where you go to do the work can have a profound effect on how the client feels.

I hope you get used to T's new office space quickly @LonesomeTonight

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Thanks, East...

I know this isn't for me, but I'm freaked out by R going virtual for the summer.
During our virtual sessions over lockdown, I feel like I cried at some point every week.

If I wanted to book a six-week detox, then I would do so.

The stuff we bring up in therapy is a lot to hold alone, and T being on a screen is very different than sharing a physical space.

I appreciate you helping me understand that maybe I'm not being selfish here.

But at some point in time, the cart had to be behind the horse.

So, no. One must engage in the process to attain the eventual results of the process. Or as Jesus would say, you reap what you sow. I can't believe i had to go there!

Stopping therapy is not the same as never having participated in therapy. But i think my first h would have argued it was! What was wrong with me

Thanks, East. I think it's a mix of both. I talked about how it was very difficult at first switching to virtual for the pandemic--and he was virtual for a LONG time, as he didn't want to use masks. He returned to in-person for 3 weeks in 2021, then delta hit, and we went back to virtual until maybe March 2022.

Anyway, I did eventually adapt to that, and he's pretty good at virtual therapy, so it was OK. But, as I told him, that office had particular significance to me, as it represented a return to normal (in life in general) when we went back in person. As did his couch (which he got rid of with one session's notice earlier this month), when I was eventually allowed to return to sitting there instead of in the chair across the room.

There's also how he told me, back with the stone thing years ago, how the stone he leant me should represent the therapy space, not him, that you could put most any therapist in that chair and the space would still feel safe, which I disagreed with. (I mentioned that to him yesterday.)

He did say that although the new space is smaller, the layout would essentially be the same, with a window in front of where I'd sit (on a new loveseat that I hope I won't hate), though a wall instead of another window to my right; he'd be in the same spot, but his desk would be closer to him; the door would still be in the same spot. And that he's decorating it similarly, that I'd recognize most of the items, and it should have a similar feel. (Fate of fish I gave him TBD, though I doubt it will make the cut.)


So, we'll see...

Hugs, Lost. You're not being selfish. And your T should have definitely given you more notice.

I completely understand your fear about going virtual, especially considering you've been going through a difficult time lately. Of course, there's the difference in not being in the same room. But I imagine it also takes you back to the lockdown time in some ways--at least, it does for me when I have to do virtual with Dr. T for whatever reason.

There's definitely something different about sharing a physical space. Dr. T has said there's an energy there when two people are in the same room that isn't there virtually. I'd agree with that. And like you said, it feels less alone when it's in person, that you can pass those feelings onto the other person.

That feels so dismissive on his part. Maybe he isn't personally affected by the energy of a space (although I doubt that), but I'm truly surprised he would presume to tell you you're wrong about your strong reactions to saying goodbye to that space forever.

It's pretty common for people to have reactions to a physical space. For example, if you walk into your old school building, even years later, you might feel strong nostalgia or even dread (depending on your experience in that building). If you've spent a lot of time in a hospital for yourself or a loved one it may be hard to physically be in one again, even years later, due to the physical and emotional affect the space has on you. If a child has a familiar/safe home that they are forced to leave due to a move or change- that can be very destabilizing for kids and take a long time to adjust to.

I think physical spaces can hold a lot of feelings and energy for us, especially very scary ones where we felt a lot of fear and dread, or very safe ones where we've spent a great deal of time feeling safe and being vulnerable. I personally feel incredibly safe in my own bedroom and it has nothing to do with any other people who may have shard the space with me, even in a positive way. It is literally and truly a safe space for me. A sanctuary where I feel safe enough to sleep. If I had to move homes I know it would take a long time to adjust to a new sleeping space.

Anyway, just weird that he would be so dismissive of this concept. I wonder if it's because he too is having some big feelings about the move- but he doesn't like being vulnerable, scared or sad, so....

This is another good point about how a space can affect our experience. I agree with you, I find therapy on a screen to be quite difficult. Not impossible, but difficult and I don't love it. I feel for you.

I suppose someone could - I doubt it would be possible without some understanding for me. But if we mean seeing exhankster like a pet that one loves even though one understands them differently.

good lord

Hey it was the middle of the night and i had a stomach-ache.