Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

I have a face made for radio and Rachel Maddow is already there representing the L in lgbtq

Had a really productive session with Dr. T today. He said today that we're both using different language to talk about transference and attachment, which makes it easier to discuss. That he thinks it stems from the "love" stuff discussions. How before that, it would seem like I was making a request of him, but now, it's more that I'm sharing feelings. I said it feels like we're each adapting to other, and he agreed.

I admitted how the younger part of me wished I could go on vacation with him. He said he was impressed that I was able to share that. And seemed accepting of it, where I think a couple years ago, he'd have reacted weirdly to it (I also wouldn't have said it then, for that reason). He said he knew I'd never actually ask him to do that. That we could just examine what's behind that want.

Later, we were talking about how maybe the high school journalism teacher I was attached to was the actual starting point to the transference stuff. How maybe he met some need that my parents didn't meet. I said he seemed to believe in me and my abilities in a way they didn't. Dr. T said it was like my first hit of cocaine. And we discussed some other stuff around that (perhaps I'll post in IST later). It's given me a lot to think about.

The -cinct part is the part where you join things together. You know, logically.

Cinctus is a belt in Latin.

I should know to trust that theres a method to your madness.

LT - thats it! Thats why my fantasy of t cutting his lawn with me in a Snuggli. I was seeking attachment. But with my dad. My mother - geez, she just bumped into me like a couple three times a year. Seriously.

I have a similar fantasies, too! One, I wish I was small enough to fit in her pocket so she can carry me around. Another is that I wrap my arms around her ankle and never let go (I actually did that with my therapist when I was 14).

I'm really glad your session went well, LT. I bet that was really good timing for you, that you needed it. It's also a relief? that Dr. T is start to understand and accept transference.

Interesting that it was about cutting the lawn, so like a mundane chore. So like just a part of his everyday life. Which I get. Did you ever share that with your T? I forget.

It felt kind of liberating to share it. I said how if I didn't share things like that, they were still in my head. But I got the message from my parents to not talk about stuff like that, of course.

Yes, it was a weekly summer fantasy! Then when you consider our relative sizes. Like sammy davis toting the former fat al roker. Well except t wasnt that small and i wasnt that big. T would just look at me, dictionary definition picture of "quizzically"!

Thanks, Scarlet! Agree that it's a relief and good timing for this session. I was worried how it was going to go.

Hugs/head nods all around as wanted/needed/appropriate.

Friday night is Lingo night. Boy this one team is horrible at spelling, like do they even know this game??? But they can guess the long words with like 2 letters! Im impressed!

Eta - one team spelled "undie" - NOT A WORD!

I love the CBS new matlock commercial, where kathy bates says the last time she practiced was 1991. Makes me feel seen.

UGH. The ex sent me THREE stress vomit emails. Including telling me what I *will* do about the spawn. And apparently somehow his communication and management with the tall folk is my responsibility (read: fault) and he is pissed off. WTH? I am not responsible for his communication and finances with the grown spawn. Or any other grown person, for that matter, as I suspect the new wife has something to do with this.

I called him and calmed him down and reminded him that a phone call to discuss collaboratively is more appropriate than a stress email telling me what I will do about the grown folk.

Yay me. But afterward I started shaking and had a hard time breathing and cried. I realized a- wow, it's been a long time since I reacted to anything that way, and b- I've still got some triggers there, apparently, and he just stomped all over them. Also c- wow, I am so grateful that is not my every day reality any more.

Bicycle guy gave me a hug and a glass of wine and invited me to vent, without judgment or problem-solving. Also grateful that this is my now reality.

I dunno, if you can have undies, maybe you can have an undie!

Well not according to Ru Paul, and it seems like he would know!

This show really brings out my spelling schadenfreude. Im spellist. :ashamed:

Eta - ooh, sorry about the call. Isnt it weird how the feels are still in you, like a peach in the cupboard? (I just ate a peach.)

Ugh, sorry you had to deal with that from your ex. It's good you called him. And I'm glad you now have a supportive partner in Bicycle Guy..

My work is done for this academic year, and I am beat.

The showcase was brilliant and also managed to be triggering.

Grief is a form of ever-evolving understanding, and somehow a student's work managed to hit the pain point around my latest understanding of the pivotal role that religion played in Steve's decision.

Small audience means that there's no space to step out discreetly.

But have you eaten the plums in the icebox? So sweet and so cold?

That is one of the finest short poems to ever exist.

Hugs, Lost...

I get 13 peaches delivered a week for 8 weeks. I dont have the bandwidth for much more. But the peaches are awesome.

Out of curiosity, why 13 specifically?

Thats what comes in the box. Bakers dozen i suppose? I get it from The Peach Truck. There are a few such services.

I find it amusing to think of someone actually putting the peaches in the box.

1, 2, 3...

I was wondering about the Baker's Dozen thing. The part of my OCD that's tied to numbers would be bothered by the 13 (I have good and bad numbers in my head).

We've been getting produce from a fairly local group called Hungry Harvest. Their stock varies, but you can pick what you get of the available items. It's surplus fruits/veggies (and other items, like potato chips) where either they produced too many or they're too big/small/unattractive to sell in stores. I think we got some of the world's tiniest plums and apricots this week (they were by the pound). And some rather oddly shaped green peppers (plus other stuff).

WFS. I’m glad bicycle guy was there for you. Honestly it seems like you handled it well in the moment by calling him and not just firing emails back.