Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

My transference therapist called me fat phobic one time and I would not tell you she said that. Although I don't know if you guessed it or not.

Yeah, I'm not eating peanut butter though

Teenage One wants to yell and scream and tell you to f off and mind your own business. This part of me did not like what you said today about it having to be a certain person, and the words 'you don't get to decide' definitely came from that part. You kept saying you thought the things I was saying were a block. I couldn't see it at the time. I was adamant that that's not the way this is happening. A big part of me is still adamant that that's not the way it's going to happen, but I found it interesting that as soon as I got in the car and left I had a thought that maybe you are right. I don't want you to be right though. I want you to f off and leave me alone. I hate being split like this. I hate that the parts of me are still so at war with each other. I know that there has been significant improvement, and I know we are now thinking and talking about things that would literally have been impossible before, but this particular road block is difficult. Really difficult. I thought you were going to help me, but it turns out not. I thought I had found a way forwards. But it turns out not. I genuinely feel like I want to give up right now. It feels like we are never going to get there. It will be impossible I cannot ever see me getting to the place I had hoped to get to without the plan that is now in tatter. I can't do it. I won't do it. It's too much.

Hi R,

Really hoping you'll acknowledge my email before we speak tomorrow.
There's too much else going on to let this take up session time.

You know that talking about work stuff is one of the ways I avoid talking about the stuff that matters.

I'm having a hard time with the anger at the various facets right now.

Speak soon,

Lost

I need you to engage with practical stuff. You are much more forgetful and scatty than I initially realised. I mean fair play because you did warn me, but I can't understand how someone as bright as you is also this gormless. Do you think it's reasonable for me to not know at this stage whether we are meeting in person or not? You are good and I am relieved that your reputation is deserved, but your time is not more important than mine.

You stupid cow.

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