Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

My transference therapist called me fat phobic one time and I would not tell you she said that. Although I don't know if you guessed it or not.

Yeah, I'm not eating peanut butter though

Teenage One wants to yell and scream and tell you to f off and mind your own business. This part of me did not like what you said today about it having to be a certain person, and the words 'you don't get to decide' definitely came from that part. You kept saying you thought the things I was saying were a block. I couldn't see it at the time. I was adamant that that's not the way this is happening. A big part of me is still adamant that that's not the way it's going to happen, but I found it interesting that as soon as I got in the car and left I had a thought that maybe you are right. I don't want you to be right though. I want you to f off and leave me alone. I hate being split like this. I hate that the parts of me are still so at war with each other. I know that there has been significant improvement, and I know we are now thinking and talking about things that would literally have been impossible before, but this particular road block is difficult. Really difficult. I thought you were going to help me, but it turns out not. I thought I had found a way forwards. But it turns out not. I genuinely feel like I want to give up right now. It feels like we are never going to get there. It will be impossible I cannot ever see me getting to the place I had hoped to get to without the plan that is now in tatter. I can't do it. I won't do it. It's too much.

Hi R,

Really hoping you'll acknowledge my email before we speak tomorrow.
There's too much else going on to let this take up session time.

You know that talking about work stuff is one of the ways I avoid talking about the stuff that matters.

I'm having a hard time with the anger at the various facets right now.

Speak soon,

Lost

I need you to engage with practical stuff. You are much more forgetful and scatty than I initially realised. I mean fair play because you did warn me, but I can't understand how someone as bright as you is also this gormless. Do you think it's reasonable for me to not know at this stage whether we are meeting in person or not? You are good and I am relieved that your reputation is deserved, but your time is not more important than mine.

You stupid cow.

Oops. Something is activated.

Oh god, that was excruciating. Why did I say that?! I should keep my mouth shut.

We've never talked about why my emotions might cause me physical pain.
I'm still sore after today's session, even though the griefquake was shorter than I anticipated.

There's not much point in me paying you to watch me unravel for an hour.
You sitting in it with me is a different thing, and really needed right now.

I can't talk at length about the material we need to cover in my groups.

I feel it would be too close to the bone for RC, although I 'know' that I don't need to worry about that.

I still don't know why working virtually brings all this to the surface in a way that can't happen when we are in the same space.

There must be some emerging research about that?

Fingers crossed all will be well for next week.

Lost

Today's haiku:

Online therapy
Deftly pierces my defence
Against pure feeling.

Well I’m glad we had that awkward exchange (obvious sarcasm) but it really felt like you didn’t care. I’m not going to tell you this in real life, but the almost 5 years of not SH has ended. Gutted. I’ve lost myself.

I told you I felt like she knew what she was doing but she was also getting me secretly set up so that she didn't totally back door me.

Also our 2 year anniversary is on December 1st. I've been meeting with you longer then my transference T. Yeah I still think about her sometimes, but its mainly just the telehealths that I think of and summer of 2020.

If what emerged during our session yesterday is but a fraction of what I'm carrying all. the. time...

It's not really surprising that my chest still hurts, is it?

it sucks that you were sick today, but man did i need that session. oh well. and now the holidays are approaching.

Hi R,

Reading Meghan Riordan Jarvis' memoir The End of the Hour is like having my brain explained to me.

I find myself recoiling from anyone who tries to tell me how to handle this grief at the moment.

It's almost as if the trauma just...sits there, preventing me from getting at any of the other feelings.

That sore feeling has stayed, and the weird thing is that there's no point taking any pain relief for this.

Hoping that we will be in the same space next Thursday.

Take care,

Lost

I'm thinking about the time a therapist yanked a powerade off the table and started reading me the nutrition facts.

Now I have a fridge full of protein shakes that my doctor told me I should be drinking.

What an *** of a therapist.

with the threat of all-out nuclear war becoming more and more a real thing lately, i'm falling into a hole again and I don't know how to get out. i was doing better about stuff but the possibility of ww3 happening in my lifetime has me totally wrecked again. i kinda wish i could curl up on your couch and just sleep. Meh.

Go ahead and believe what you need to believe, I don't give a **** anymore.

The second session on the phone was very intense for me. It brought up allot of things again. Thank you for the work sheets they are helpful. Going to try to take a few self care days.

Dear T,

Survived Thanksgiving with my parents. And D saying she wished I wasn't there... And my mom showing me financial stuff, just in case. I'll likely tell you that part in session. The thing I won't actually tell you: I wonder what your Thanksgiving was like? Was it all your family? Was it warm/loving, relaxing, fun, awkward, painful, boring, or some mix of those? What are you like with them?


Love,
LT

I lied. I do still give a ****.

Not only do I still give a ****, I am now sad again. When will I ever learn?

Do you listen to what I say or do you just make up $hit to suit your narrative?

I’m so hurt you won’t see me and passed me along to someone else.
I’m trying to understand why. I hope it is for my benefit.
Not keen on seeing a new person and starting over again.

Y'know what it may just be my usual pre-holiday-season blues. I do wonder though what saying goodbye would actually be like. I very much regret that I didn't come in and do that. Even though at the time I could not have foreseen that regret, because it was what I needed to do then. Why did I send that email though. Whywhywhy? It was a huge mistake and I am an idiot.

I'm hoping that I will be able to share a grief thought from Friday night with you.

'Resentment is quieter than anger, but it is no easier to carry.'

I have no idea what to do about my seasonal tribute to Steve this year.