Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

Raspberry makes anything taste good - chocolate, yogurt, oatmeal...

Hi Couch,

I received an email this morning confirming my first published work of 2025.
Really pleased to have this particular poem out in the world towards the end of the month.

Hope you're having a good weekend.

Take care,

Lost

Congrats, Lost!

Congrats to you, Lost!

Congratulations Lost!

Speaking to P in a few hours. I'm curious how that's going to feel. I wonder if he actually misses seeing me like he said he would.

I've really been struggling with random bouts of anxiety and crying these last two weeks. I wonder when this will get easier.

How would you feel if your prescriber who you have sessions with described you as "fragile"?

I hope it was more helpful than painful.

And I think I'd struggle with being classified as "fragile."

Hugs, if wanted.

I hope the session helped, NP.

I've described myself as fragile a few times, albeit in the context of 'I don't want to be Fragile Lost.'

R acknowledging fragility in me feels different, almost like 'I see you, and I know this is hard.'

I would not like being called fragile and I am not someone who appears to be fragile (on the surface at least), even when I am struggling. Of course, I am fragile sometimes in some ways and my reluctance to accept that part of my humanity points to me exiling my vulnerability. Cue another five years of therapy and so we go on.

Do you feel fragile NP? Maybe it's helpful to have someone else describe it for you.

Now that I think about it, there was one time a few years ago when I had an emergency session with Dr. T (at 8:30 p.m.). He said after that I'd seemed "emotionally fragile." And it made me feel seen. That maybe it helped him understand how dark it can get for me at times (as usually, I'm telling him about something after the fact). So maybe it could be good, in a way. Though it probably depends on whether the prescriber said you were fragile in general vs. right now and the tone/context in which it was said.

Two weeks isn’t long to adjust, especially if you’ve already had a lot going on. Give yourself more grace. You’re not weak for feeling this way— it makes you human.

How did YOU feel being called that Fragile? Maybe P's trying to be empathetic, but you’re not glass. You're going through a rough time, but you’re still here, pushing forward. That’s strength..

What would looking missed look like to you?

Seeing and talking to P again was really nice. I think he genuinely missed me also and was visibly happy to see me. That felt nice. He wants to support me in how to talk with my prescriber (L) or to help me figure out who else I want to try to do regular therapy with, so he said I could email him about those things between now and the next time we talk in three weeks.

I've been seeing the NP/prescriber, L, for a little over a year. We meet about every third week and we usually spend about 5 - 10 minutes talking about meds and the rest is more like a normal therapy session. He's nice, but I don't feel the same connection that I do with P, but honestly my connection with P is super strong, so maybe I'm holding others to too high of a standard.

When we met last week he made the comment about me being fragile. Then he said that P had told him I was sensitive. (This conversation with P probably happened at the very beginning and was brief. They were supposed to schedule a real conversation but it never happened.) I don't remember the context of this fragile comment. It made me feel bad, but I can't explain why. For some reason being called sensitive felt okay, but fragile did not feel okay. I think I was asking how you would feel because I can't identify what about it feels bad to me so maybe I'm being too sensitive (ha!) about it. I don't feel like I have the kind of relationship with L where I could ask him what he means by "fragile" and that it made me feel bad. I finally got to that place with P, but it took me a long time to get there.

Words like "fragile" and "sensitive" can feel different depending on the context and the emotional weight they carry for us personally. Perhaps you might feel okay with "sensitive" because it acknowledges emotional depth without implying weakness. On the other hand, "fragile" can feel like it suggests instability or vulnerability in a way that might not align with how you see yourself or want to be seen. It’s not about being too sensitive—it’s about understanding why certain words resonate or sting, which is part of self-awareness and growth.

It’s also perfectly normal to feel more connected to one therapist or support figure than another especially when you've been seeing them for so long. The connection you feel with P is clearly valuable to you, and it’s great that he’s encouraging you to seek the support you need. You’re allowed to hold space for these differences in your relationships with L and P without invalidating either.

I cried along to the joy luck club movie. The fur coat scene was very relatable.

I love Amy Tan.

I've only read that book by her. What others do you recommend?

I might buy a copy for my own bookshelf when I have my own place, as I borrowed my cousin's book.

I also have a copy of Wild Swans I need to finish.

Ive seen her on TV, interviews. She is just awesome.

Hugs and dignified head nods all around as wanted/needed/appropriate.

It is astounding to me that tomorrow closes the 2024 Stafford Challenge cohort. Assuming of course that I write today and tomorrow, which I will, I will have written more than 365 poems since 1/17/24. I stopped counting them awhile back. Sure, a lot of them (a LOT of them!) need further editing/revising, but... the point of it all is, that I wrote every single day for a year. What a blessing writing every day has been for me. It helped me work through all the L drama. Especially the angry poetry.

Oh and a funny aside: the editor of the smaller anthology that's coming out soon, the one that I have 6 poems in, teasingly accused me of "semicolon abuse". I can't help it. I like semicolons.

Hey all. I shared on here that I terminated with my therapist of 10 years not because I wanted to, but because he's leaving a group practice to start a solo practice and will no longer be in-network with my insurance. I cannot afford to see someone out of network, so I ended things with him with as much agency and empowerment as possible, and he arranged to transfer me to a therapist in the group he's leaving. Initially, I wanted to wait until February, when the old therapist would be gone, to see the new therapist, because I didn't want to even accidentally see him. But I'm struggling and needed help and support, so I opted to have my initial appointment with the new therapist sooner. So I was there yesterday for my appointment. New therapist's office is downstairs and there's a downstairs waiting room. Old therapist is upstairs and there's an upstairs waiting room. I thought I would probably be able to avoid seeing him. But when I was checking in at the front desk, who should come downstairs to grab something from behind the front desk!?!?!?!??!!? I was stunned and said "Oh, f***" out loud. I couldn't help it. It just came out. He saw me but didn't acknowledge me, as was proper and correct, but oh...it hurt so much to see him. I knew I was taking this risk by not waiting until he was fully gone from that office, but...oof. The intensity of my grief had diminished slightly in the month since our termination, but it everything came rushing back. It sucks. That's all.

I'm so sorry, Ghost.

I hope the new therapist is helpful.

H got a job! He started today. Same pay as last job with the ability to go higher. And we get really good insurance. Oh and it's still the same insurance company so I should be able to keep my single case agreement with L and hopefully T.

Ghost, I'm sorry about both losing your T and then seeing him in the office. I was wondering 1. How did your appointment go with new T? And 2. Would you ex-T be willing to do a single case agreement with your insurance? It doesn't seem to difficult for L.

Thank you, Scarlet.

First, the appointment with New T went very well. Old T was her clinical supervisor for her post-doc and she knows him very well. The fact that he was involved in some of her training is ultimately what made me choose her. She acknowledged how challenging and painful it is to end a long-term therapeutic relationship. She's disconcertingly young for this middle aged crone (lol), but I think I can work with her.

And I wish that the single case agreement were possible! Thank you for bringing it up. Ultimately, Old T chooses not to have anything to do with my insurance company whatsoever in his solo practice. He's in network with a few companies, but not mine. Apparently my insurance really awful from the provider POV, and they notoriously underpay, like $50 less than the rate for psychologists paid by other companies. I get it! I don't want to be underpaid either. AND it still really really sucks that his professional choice has such a detrimental impact on me.

Glad to hear it, Scarlet! How are you doing?