Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

Lemoncake · Jan 07, 2025, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

So, I had an appt last week again with the medical weight loss dr, and she increased my bupropion xl to 300mg every morning from 150. This is obviously what I needed. After about a week on the new dose, I'm feeling like myself again. I know it was prescribed for helping with sugar cravings/addiction and weight loss, but heck - I'm starting to feel like it's fixing more than that! I realized just now that I no longer feel any desire to talk to L. Which makes me quite happy. I had been wanting to talk to her (the only reason i even thought about it was I had set a reminder on my phone to call her today, forgot about it, and it just popped up and I was like um no, I don't want to anymore) but now that the desire is gone, I can clearly see, had I tried, it would have been a disaster anyway. That is one situation that is definitely better left in the past.

Perhaps through the poetry you have developed a clearer, more balanced sense of self, which allows you to recognize and disengage from relationships/ patterns that no longer serve you. Not reaching out to L indicates internal growth, helping you make choices that align with your well-being and emotional needs.

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 07, 2025, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

Perhaps through the poetry you have developed a clearer, more balanced sense of self, which allows you to recognize and disengage from relationships/ patterns that no longer serve you. Not reaching out to L indicates internal growth, helping you make choices that align with your well-being and emotional needs.

Oh, I know the daily writing practice has been a bit help too.

Lemoncake · Jan 08, 2025, 04:16 AM

Edit : Though not through.

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 08, 2025, 09:53 AM

oh yeesh. "bit" was supposed to be "big" up there. it's only january 8th and i've already lost track of what day it is, etc. but my sister sent me a care package i hope it comes today! I'm sure she put reeses in it. she knows me well. tee hee

unaluna · Jan 08, 2025, 11:02 AM

Artie - i loved welbutrin and was on it for quite a while. After i went no contact with the family, like at least a year after? More? Idk - i told my pdoc i wanted off it because it felt like the welbutrin was trying to push up something that was no longer pushing me down. It was gratifying to have such a distinct experience. It sounds like you are at the other end of it, where it is pushing up something that is indeed dragging you down.

I dont think "they" pay enough attention to how psych meds make people feel. Like, too much prozac makes my head chilly! Drs have been like, thats not a thing. Dude, yes it is - i just said so!

atisketatasket · Jan 08, 2025, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Actually i am quite interested in The Troubles.
.

Then just for you, in Belfast today I took a picture of the Europa Hotel, bombed 36 times during the Troubles.

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 08, 2025, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Artie - i loved welbutrin and was on it for quite a while. After i went no contact with the family, like at least a year after? More? Idk - i told my pdoc i wanted off it because it felt like the welbutrin was trying to push up something that was no longer pushing me down. It was gratifying to have such a distinct experience. It sounds like you are at the other end of it, where it is pushing up something that is indeed dragging you down.

I dont think "they" pay enough attention to how psych meds make people feel. Like, too much prozac makes my head chilly! Drs have been like, thats not a thing. Dude, yes it is - i just said so!

i took prozac for a couple of years a long time ago when I first started struggling with depression. it worked for that amount of time, but was like, it just suddenly stopped working one day. it was weird. that is when i went on zoloft for another little while, til I quit that one cuz I didn't like how it started dulling my feelings. i need my feelings they're who I am

the wellbutrin doesn't seem to do that. instead it's dulling what I want dulled. Or something like that. I totally feel like I'm back to my old self from before any of this depression crap started. i hope it continues.

NP_Complete · Jan 08, 2025, 01:27 PM

He's not coming back.

Jan 08, 2025, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

He's not coming back.

It is heart breaking for you. I know it is a cliche which will seem meaningless at this point, but it does get better. You will discover new parts of yourself and those discoveries will be powerful and they will be yours.

unaluna · Jan 08, 2025, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Then just for you, in Belfast today I took a picture of the Europa Hotel, bombed 36 times during the Troubles.

Ive been meaning to ask - why are the driving lines so hokey? I would be all over the road there!

LonesomeTonight · Jan 08, 2025, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

He's not coming back.

Hugs, NP... I'm so sorry.

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 09, 2025, 06:53 AM

Hi Couch,

I had my first session back with R today.
We spent the time unpacking the 'new' layer of early experiences and how they impact my beliefs.

Towards the end of the session, I told R about how I wonder whether my process would be different if we'd been working in person at the time I found out about Steve's death.

This led into a conversation about my dislike of virtual therapy, and whilst R said nothing of the sort, I'm worried that I've given the impression I'd rather not do it if that was the option.

I said 'I appreciate that there are times when it is necessary...'

Maybe there's some kind of side project in terms of building my emotional capacity.

Thanks for listening,

Lost

Lemoncake · Jan 09, 2025, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

He's not coming back.

Let that sink in. Not as a tragedy, but as a fact and I know that hurts.

He's not coming back, but you're still here. And that’s all you need. You are not an empty space waiting to be filled. Maybe this is where you learn how strong you are. Maybe this is where you prove to yourself that you can keep going, even when it feels impossible. You’re allowed to miss him, to cry, to feel like the world isn’t fair.

It’s not.

He's not coming back. But that doesn’t mean you’re alone. We’re still here, and we’ll get through this together. You were strong enough to cope then, and you’re enough now and someday, when this ache isn’t so sharp, you’ll see it too.

Life doesn’t stop. It doesn’t wait for you to figure it out. So we pick ourselves up, one piece at a time, and figure out how to keep going though the darkness, but there's one universal truth "dawn is coming".

In time you will learn how to carry the weight of what’s gone without letting it crush you.

Lemoncake · Jan 09, 2025, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Hi Couch,

I had my first session back with R today.
We spent the time unpacking the 'new' layer of early experiences and how they impact my beliefs.

Towards the end of the session, I told R about how I wonder whether my process would be different if we'd been working in person at the time I found out about Steve's death.

This led into a conversation about my dislike of virtual therapy, and whilst R said nothing of the sort, I'm worried that I've given the impression I'd rather not do it if that was the option.

I said 'I appreciate that there are times when it is necessary...'

Maybe there's some kind of side project in terms of building my emotional capacity.

Thanks for listening,

Lost

I think it’s brave that you’re even engaging with these layers of early experiences and how they shape your beliefs. That’s not easy, and it’s definitely not something everyone has the courage to do.

I don’t think you need to worry about giving the wrong impression to R. Therapy is about honesty, and it’s okay to dislike virtual sessions. You weren’t saying you don’t value the work or that you don’t want to continue, just that you’ve noticed something about the process that feels different.

You’re reflecting on this which shows how much you care about the process and your growth. Building emotional capacity as a side project shows you’re open to working on yourself in new ways, even outside of therapy.

It’s okay to not have it all figured out right now. You’re showing up, you’re doing the work, and that’s more than enough. It’s okay to let it take time. You’ll get there.

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 09, 2025, 12:44 PM

Thank you so much for the encouragement and reassurance, Cake.

How are you doing?

atisketatasket · Jan 09, 2025, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Ive been meaning to ask - why are the driving lines so hokey? I would be all over the road there!

Like you’re not here?

They drive on the left.

unaluna · Jan 09, 2025, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Like you’re not here?

They drive on the left.

I get that, but the lines arent straight - they angle in and out.

atisketatasket · Jan 09, 2025, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

I get that, but the lines arent straight - they angle in and out.

According to the internetz, it means you can’t overtake or park there (no wonder, given all the car bombs), and it’s to protect pedestrians.

Why does the UK have zig-zag road markings? - Quora

Like Shaw said, two cultures divided by incomprehensible lane markings.

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 09, 2025, 04:33 PM

Thanks for providing the explanation, @@.

I couldn't figure out what Una was referencing.

Post therapy brain fog is trippy.

Lemoncake · Jan 09, 2025, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Thanks for providing the explanation, @@.

I couldn't figure out what Una was referencing.

Same

Lemoncake · Jan 09, 2025, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Thank you so much for the encouragement and reassurance, Cake.

How are you doing?

Long

Possible trigger:

I'm currently unemployed. The 6 month placement got scrapped because paperwork which was supposed to take a week to do, has been hit by delays after delays. I needed to collect signatures. The person I needed was on holiday for 2.5 weeks. The office lost something and wanted me to come and hand it in person again. I found someone who said they would do it on my behalf and she could do it on friday. Friday rolled around and she called saying she was sick. She promised 100% she'd go to the office on monday. On monday she wasn't answering my messages so I knew she hadn't done it. Then the office was closed for two weeks over Christmas and New Years. I found someone else who said she could hand it in but a week later. I couldn't submit a visa application until this was sorted first and that can take up to a month alone. I would have to pay for the visa application, 6 months of rent, food on top plus travel. I called it a day on it.

The delays and waiting in between meant I was free to come back the day after my mother had surgery (minor) to look after her, until she got better. So I stayed. Once she did get better again we were back to our usual relationship of being at a stalemate. I didn't have an issue with my weight until she started all the comments again. I've been paying rent for a place I haven't lived in for a month now. I will be going back on monday to pack up my stuff and then coming back to stay with my parents.

I started studying again and I've just been doing math sessions with the PhD tutor. I've done seven so far and I feel like that's been better than a month of therapy. It was twice this week and same for the previous week as well. He's been very encouraging and that motivates me to want to learn and study more in my own free time. That has been about laying a solid foundation first. We started working though exam papers. I like that I can see progress in real time. He said he would teach me calculus (clearly not there right now).

I always loved maths as a kid. I got a B at GCSE eventually, but I was called "slow" by a year 11 teacher and I feel like that stuck with me. I always felt like a failure after GCSES. I went to a school with a high A-A* % and being called it so many times I believed it, so relearning now has been helping to change the way I saw myself.

I still studied a little bit of medicine every other day to stop myself losing it.

Like the song "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now ", I realize that there is no pleasing my mother. I spent so long trying to be who she wanted me to be. I'm in my early 30s now. When I wasn't a doctor it was all about reaching that goal. I also have an extra biomedical science degree. When I graduated it was just about my weight and hurtful comments about my looks and still being single. She wanted someone who was 100% obedient. When she was ill I made her breakfast in bed. I washed dishes and I cleaned like a good Asian daughter. There was still always something else.

It's been a long 10+ years.

I was going to apply for other jobs when I came back. I don't feel like I've had the chance to make any of my own choices. Perhaps I wanted to go into teaching for now or maybe I could be happy working in a nursery.

stopdog · Jan 09, 2025, 08:16 PM

More snow and ice on the way - the cat is already starting to act like he has joined the donner crew - and he is being fed cat food =but he is eyeing the rest of us like he might want something else. He hates being trapped inside the house more than I do.

unaluna · Jan 09, 2025, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

According to the internetz, it means you can’t overtake or park there (no wonder, given all the car bombs), and it’s to protect pedestrians.

Why does the UK have zig-zag road markings? - Quora

Like Shaw said, two cultures divided by incomprehensible lane markings.

I will have to pay more attention to where i see them while watching movies and youtube. They look like dodg'em car path recommendations to me! Here! Turn! Turn! Turn!

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 09, 2025, 09:56 PM

.... there is a season, turn turn turn...

stopdog · 11:41 PM

After my toblerone tasting experiment - we still have a lot leftover. I have started mixing a chunk of dark toblerone (which I dislike on its own - not much of a dark chocolate fan) and a chunk of white toblerone - melt in microwave then add some

Possible trigger:

infused

coconut oil and mix - I let it harden then eat for dessert - it is smooth and puts me to sleep.- Until I read about someone doing almost that same thing - I didn't know what to do with the dark chocolate and was about to throw it away. I keep trying to like dark chocolate because of it being maybe healthier - but so far it hasn't worked.

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