Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

10 years and I'm back in the hospital for mental health. The job loss on top of everything was too much. I hate it. I'm more depressed now then when I came in. And it was voluntary! But they have me on a 72 hr hold.

Hugs, Scarlet. Sounds like you did what you needed for your health and to stay safe. I hope the stay is helpful to you, even if you're feeling worse now. I'm sorry you're on a hold though.

Hugs Scarlet, I hope they will be helpful for you while in the hospital. 10 years ago I found it helped me it took time to feel better. I'm sorry you are on hold. Hugs

They let me out of the hold. Doctor agreed I need a med change, but want my pdoc to do it. He feels I need iop not inpatient.

I hope you have fun travelling. I've only been to Belfast.

If you go back to London go to London Dungeons. (Paid)

We also have a Freud museum. The Natural history, V&A and the science ones are free.

You've already accomplished more before sunrise than many people do all day.

Also, congratulations on having your poems published in an anthology! 🎉

It's brave sharing your poetry with the world. What kind of poetry do you write?

Thanks! I write all kinds of stuff.... love trying new and/or obscure forms too.

We also just found out that in the poem a day for a year challenge I've been doing almost a year now, the guy who runs it is going to be publishing an anthology too, with one poem from each of the participants, so I'm going to have my work in 2 different anthologies soon.

That's amazing Art! You must be proud. It must also feel rewarding to see your dedication to writing recognized in not just one, but two anthologies.

Congratulations on this achievement—your creativity and perseverance are truly inspiring!

Thanks Lemon. I can definitely see a difference in my writing from January 17 of last year when we started this adventure, and now. Writing every day, reading other people's work, studying poetry craft books, discussing poetry with my little writer's group, it's all really helping me improve.

We are in winter wonderland hell - ice and snow and ice as far as the eye can see. Driving is insanely treacherous and yet some are trying.

Today in Dublin I walked by a building ex-hankster will no doubt be intrigued by, as the locals call it the stiffy on the Liffey.

Spire of Dublin - Wikipedia

Ugh, ice is bad. Sorry you're dealing with that. People can be really stupid in trying to drive in conditions like that.

We have about 6 inches of snow here and still coming down. There was a chance for some freezing rain to mix in, but seems it's only been snow.

Because of the snow, I had a virtual session with Dr. T--good thing it was virtual, as I thought it was an hour later than it was, so his text with the link alerted me. I was still 5 minutes late--he said it's the first time that had happened, that I'd had the time wrong.

He was meeting from his house and showed me the snow outside his window--he's only about 10 minutes from me, and it was snowing much harder there. So I showed him the snow outside mine and had to try to explain what he was seeing, as I was looking out the back of my house in a townhouse community, and with the snow, basically everything (including back deck fences) was white, aside from a big tree.

Actually i am quite interested in The Troubles.

I think we are skipping this snowstorm.

Are you back home Scarlet? Are you feeling any better?

No snow here. In fact it's the first day without any precipitation in my recent memory.

P emailed me today for a video session time for next Monday which feels like an absurdly long time to preplan this. I was expecting I'd hear from him next Monday actually. I'm wondering if this was his way of acknowledging that we would usually meet today and that he hasn't forgotten me yet. Or maybe I'm just stupid and he needs to plan ahead now that he has a job with bosses.

I imagine he was thinking of you because it was your regular session time. And if he's starting his regular job now, I could also see that he'd want to get a session on the books with you to make sure he'd have the availability. So maybe both at the same time? I mean, with Dr. T, I don't have a set time (he doesn't do that), and we schedule ahead by more than a week. On Fridays, we schedule for not the upcoming. week, but the week after that. So P might be doing scheduling today for next Monday.

Do you feel like you want to have a video session then?

And hugs, if wanted.

Yeah, I do want to talk to him. This is only getting tougher. Right now we're at the "he's on a short vacation" level. I'm not at the "he's never coming back" level yet. I had to take anxiety meds today because I was feeling panicky.

Thanks, NP. I'm back home. Only stayed 24hrs. They wanted me inpatient, but I convinced them to let me go home. If H doesn't find a job and we go homeless in a month and lose everything, I want to spend that month with the people and animals I love, not stuck in a hospital. I had an appointment with pdoc and H today. She's putting me back on Lithium and I asked to be put back on Abilify (my last pdoc put me on it). I'm also supposed to take my benzos everyday. She's threatening hospitalization if I'm not better by Friday. I'm still really struggling, but my desire to be with my loved ones is greater.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, too. One day at a time, huh? Maybe one hour.

Hugs, Scarlet. That all sounds incredibly stressful. I hope the med change helps and that your H can find a job very soon.

Hugs, NP. It makes sense that the reality of his moving hasn't hit you yet. I'm sure it will be difficult seeing him in a new office, too. Is there a chance that you could meet with him a few more times if you want? And it's OK to take anxiety meds.

Also, I think you said he was going to give you referrals at this next appointment, right? I know it won't be the same at all, but working with another therapist to process his move, plus other stuff in your life could be helpful. Because right now, it's not just that you've lost P, but therapy in general. So having therapy again could at least maybe help with a small part of that hole that's been left. Though I'm sure it will be really hard at first working with someone else.

Hi Couch,

I exercised and made art today...it's been a long time since both have happened in one day.

I hope today's being kind to you.

Take care,

Lost

Hey couch! Sending hugs and dignified head nods all around as needed/wanted/appropriate.

So, I had an appt last week again with the medical weight loss dr, and she increased my bupropion xl to 300mg every morning from 150. This is obviously what I needed. After about a week on the new dose, I'm feeling like myself again. I know it was prescribed for helping with sugar cravings/addiction and weight loss, but heck - I'm starting to feel like it's fixing more than that! I realized just now that I no longer feel any desire to talk to L. Which makes me quite happy. I had been wanting to talk to her (the only reason i even thought about it was I had set a reminder on my phone to call her today, forgot about it, and it just popped up and I was like um no, I don't want to anymore) but now that the desire is gone, I can clearly see, had I tried, it would have been a disaster anyway. That is one situation that is definitely better left in the past.

That's wonderful to hear! It's great that your consistent practice and engagement with the poetry community are paying off.

It also helps change you in different ways without therapy.