Couch 252: Kitties and Hawks

Sounds like you're doing great, Jersey.

Congratulations!

I have the last video session with P in a week. I'm trying to figure out how to spend that time. I've found that over video, I don't feel 100% engaged and the time is over before I know it. Not just with him, but with anybody. I need to find a way to be fully present for that hour. I've already written letters and I've shared more thoughts in emails since then so I'm not sure that's what I want to do. I feel like I need to be purposeful about this. I wish it was going to be in person and not virtual.

Hugs if wanted, NP. In terms of staying engaged and being aware of the time, might it help to have a clock in front of you? This might sound silly, but maybe you could also write a note on paper to yourself saying "Stay engaged." And/or one with "Be present." (I wrote something like "Your feelings are valid" at the top of my notes for a virtual session I had with Dr. T after his move, and it helped some.)

Do you know what you want to talk about? Having a list could help, too. At the same time, trying to be too purposeful could potentially backfire. Maybe have some notes, but also go with what you feel in the moment. Have you already discussed how things will be after this, like how often you can send an email update, whether he'd reply, etc.? I thought you said you had.

If so, maybe focus on the emotions? Talking about your relationship, your work together? I don't know what could feel most helpful to you. And maybe you don't know. (I don't think I would either.) Would he maybe be willing to record something to you? Like have you record a few minutes of the session, say, where he shares some thoughts for you? Just throwing things out there in case something resonates...

I think making a list of things to talk about is a good idea.

He's always maintained that he welcomes life updates from clients. Last time we talked he said he trusted me and didn't feel the need to put up a bunch of boundaries around contact. He said that if I sent him a message he would respond, but it might take some time for him to do so. I don't think I would do that very often. I might want to send him something at the end of the year maybe.

Last Sunday I sent him a weekly "new therapy" update that we had prearranged. There wasn't any commitment on his end to respond, but he has to my previous updates, although slowly. I sent him another email Wednesday because I was struggling with a comment my coworker told me on Monday to put the past behind me and move on. He hasn't responded to either of those. I don't know if he's not responding on purpose or doesn't have time, but I'm feeling abandoned. I wish I could not feel that way. Our relationship is winding down, but I still want to talk to him.

Ooof, I feel this. As I think I've shared before, I ended with my therapist of 10 years in December, and it has been rough. I miss him all the time. There have been major life things with me that I wish I could share with him.

When we ended, he said his door is always open to me, if I want to resume therapy with him, but he hoped that I wouldn't need to. And he does not welcome or invite "update" emails or anything like that. He didn't explicitly say this, but it was more like, I said, "and this isn't the kind of relationship where I can email you just to say hi or whatever," and he agreed.

Honestly, having a few months of distance from this now, I can see that even if check-in emails were something he would do or accept, I wouldn't want that. It would feel very unsatisfying. Having a clean break, cold turkey, while painful, has been the best choice for me.

Anyway, I don't know if my input is of any value at all here. Mostly, I wanted to share that I really relate to your story and how you're feeling about all of this.

I know it's a different situation, but ex-MC allowed emails after we terminated. And he'd respond, usually within a few days. As much as I appreciated it at the time, I think it just dragged out the ending for me and kept me from being able to move forward. And then I felt hurt when he randomly BCCed Dr. T in a response to me (I only found out when Dr. T was like, "So, you heard back from ex-MC," and I asked how he knew that).

Also, I got to pet kangaroos and wallabies yesterday (at a zoo/rescue place near my parents' beach place). And a very reluctant capybara. It was awesome! (Well, less so the capybara.) Kangaroos have very soft fur. Capybaras...do not.

That surprises me...they don't look cuddly, but I thought their fur was smooth.

Capybaras? Yeah, it's sort of...wiry, I guess? Not sure how to describe it, just rather rough. They're like giant guinea pigs, so I guess I figured they'd feel like those. But the guide said it's because they swim, and it helps them dry off quickly. Their webbed feet are interesting in person, too. (Guinea pigs don't have those!)

Thanks!

Guinea pigs with webbed feet would be weird.
My nearest zoo have just announced an experience where you can meet the tapirs and capybaras.

Both animals seem huge.

Glad you had a good time.

Take care,

Lost

Maybe i should start saying that the hair at the back of my head is like capybara hair, cuz when i say its like beaver hair, people look at me funny.

You were really brave in opening up, especially about something so personal and painful. It’s incredibly hard to be vulnerable, especially when the topic still carries weight and shame. I’m so sorry his response was dismissive. What you went through matters. Your trauma is real. And the way your body and mind respond to certain triggers isn’t weakness.

it’s a sign that you survived something your nervous system wasn’t meant to handle alone.

You didn’t do anything wrong by trusting someone with your story. That trust reflects your strength, not your weakness. One unkind or shallow reaction doesn’t erase the truth of your experience or your right to be heard.

I made a mistake.

My mother got a call from her brother (my uncle) saying he wasn’t feeling well, whilst we went shopping. I went over checked his blood sugar levels. They were normal. His son gave him a drink and he perked up. Started feeling better and they just started talking until my mother left. My other uncle was also with him.I told him he should go to a doctor to get checked out. I come from a superstitions family. They said it was just black magic.

I told my mother thought it was X condition today . I have been out of the medical loop for almost a year. I let the fear of being seen as wrong, hold me back from being insistant that he goes in and the self image of myself that “I’m not a real doctor”. I had a feeling but ignored it.

It was x condition and he’s in the hospital now. It would have been better if he had been seen yesterday.

Oh dear lemon. I assure you, you did not make a mistake, unless it was in being born female in your culture. The more you would have insisted, the more they would have protested. As it was, i believe you saved his life and got him in earlier.

In italian there is an expression like a close shave, or saw his life pass before his eyes - that is often what it took for my family to have a change of heart re my opinion. Or just get my brother to echo it.

I hope hes okay.

Just had a session with the new therapist. Last week I told her about the fire. Just that it happened, no details. This week we got into how abusive my ex became in the week leading up to that. It feels like the weight of everything is crushing me right now.

I'm not sure if Monday will be the last session with P or not. In our last email exchange he suggested scheduling one for June, so that remains to be seen.

Well done, NP.

It's hard to bring these things out into the open.
Please be gentle with yourself in the days ahead.

Take care,

Lost

I guarantee that will get you even weirder looks.

And make stopdog worry about you.

Do you have any small comforts or grounding techniques that can help steady you a bit?

Opening up about the fire and your ex’s abuse takes real courage, and it’s no wonder everything feels overwhelming right now.

It’s also tough to sit with uncertainty about your work with P. Not knowing whether it’s ending or continuing adds another emotional weight on top of everything else. Whatever happens with that, I hope you give yourself credit for how far you’ve come just by showing up in these sessions.

Thank you for the reply Una. It means a lot. I still feel guilty today. He will be okay and recover thankfully.

His own son and wife are also doctors.

Also LT I wanted to say thank you for mentioning the song "Light years" by the National years ago. I'm currently listening to it, and it's comforting.

Where is Comrade Moo to profess a deep love for Una—and declare that she deserves a level of devotion previously only seen in The Phantom of the Opera?

Unfortunately, she left here. But we know we will meet again in a better life.

I am out of steam. This semester knocked the stuffing out of me.

I aggressively did nothing today. Or, nothing like work. Went to the gym and non-academic stuff.

I met with P yesterday. We decided it wasn't our last session. June would be. This was decided via email and was his suggestion. I was glad he suggested it because I said May out of a sense of freeing him or something which I told him about. This is all good.

Here's where it gets sticky. He also suggested that we meet in person. He's coming back to my city this weekend and suggested we meet up in person. He's apparently got a few big things going on interspersed with meeting with friends and said he might be able to make it work. Before he suggested this I was wishing that our last session would be in person. The biggest issue, for me at least, is that he doesn't have an office. He said we could meet in a coffee shop or a park. I'm not sure how I feel about this. While I have seen him outside his office, we've never spoken more than a quick greeting. There have also been times where his building was locked and we've had to ride the elevator together. That always feels so awkward to me. I think I'm just awkward but I don't want to feel that way the last time we talk.

I've told him that I need to think about it and said it wasn't that I don't want to see him again in person, it's the office thing, but I didn't explain in the level of detail that I did here. He said that we could also do it the next time he's in town.

I don't want to admit any of this. I've wished so hard and so desperately that he was my friend over the years. This feels borderline friendish. He's not really my therapist anymore, and I don't think he really wants to end the relationship we've had, but maybe he's lost a little objectivity with this idea.

What a conundrum, NP! I personally would not have, could not have had, a meeting, let alone the final meeting, with my former therapist in a place other than his office. It would feel 100% too weird to meet him somewhere else. I very much needed him to be in his specific container. That's just me. And I can understand how much you'd like to see him in person one last time but feel weird about it not being in an office. No advice here, just validation of the painful feelings involved.