Email sent.

OK then.. I can see that you have definitely been down the thought path before and have found some really good counterpoints.

I don't want to emotionally explode either but I'm afraid that if more layers get peel away an explosion will likely occur no matter how carefully the peeling is done.

Mouse, I just see that we have a few things in common.. and honestly what you are going through right now, is something that I really fear. Part of me just does not want to risk going there, even if all my fear is groundless and not based in logic.

You are so insightful Mouse. See here is a huge benefit of a T answering an email eh? and she aswered it with so much empathy.

Mouse - Yes, I think it is progress, all this pain. sucks that that is the road to better things.
hang in there - you're doing great!!! kiya

((Mouse))

On Friday last I woke up and vomited. It wasn't because I had a virus, but because the rage had made me sick as well.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I am sad that I've wasted my life hiding.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Oh no. Don't put yourself in the waste bin! In the building of these walls we also allowed some good squeeze through the cracks and get close to us haven't we?

I think of it this way: we did what we could to experience the precious litltle love that was available to us as children and then as adults we tried and experienced love to a degree. It wasn't optimum because we did not have the tools necessary to open our hearts all the way.

But, now that we are beginning to know--to feel--the pain of our anger that blocked that love, we can open our hearts a bit and let some more love in?

Also, our children will really reap the benefits because they will see us doing this hard work in the name of love and living life to it's fullest.

Peace

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MissCharlotte said:

I think of it this way: we did what we could to experience the precious litltle love that was available to us as children and then as adults we tried and experienced love to a degree. It wasn't optimum because we did not have the tools necessary to open our hearts all the way.

But, now that we are beginning to know--to feel--the pain of our anger that blocked that love, we can open our hearts a bit and let some more love in?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

and besides... we are now learning also how to be in better relationships so that we are in the right kind and can let the love in and know we are safe.... and right now we are reparing all the cracks in our hears so that they can't be damaged any more by the wrong kind.

Mouse I keep re-reading your last post. And I keep thinking "you go girl!" You seem to be in pain but facing it head on with your head focused on a destination.

I especially like your comment about trust being emotionally known not just rationally understood. That statement means a lot to me at the moment. I'd like to be able to say that about other things too, but I think they require trust as a prerequisite.

Mouse I just love your T's response. She is so eloquent and clear. It clear how much she cares that you are going through this.

This one of the other emails T sent me yesterday..

Dear *****


You feel like you have destroyed me/us and that there is no escaping that. But I think by emailing me you do have a sense that there is still something of ‘us’ left that you can reach out to. I can see that it’s hard to believe, but nothing has happened that we can’t work through, and that will prevent us working together. Difficult feelings and difficult words are what therapy is all about, and I have no intention of ending it – or wish to do so.


You have destroyed what’s good only in fantasy, and only temporarily. You have a good sense of where you are and you are able to talk/write about it, which means that the work of therapy can continue, even while you feel it can’t. I hope that makes sense, it’s a bit of a contradiction, I know.

Best Wishes
.........

Last night I suddenly got this insight to the feeling I get each time I have to deal with a break in T, more so after the break is when it hits me most, I guess because I feel its safe to fall apart once T is back, but I had this vision of me on the edge of a great fall, and the moment you know you are about to fall keeps getting replayed and replayed and I have no voice and no one can see the danger I am experiencing and then I asked myself what can I do to stop this same tape playing, and suddenly I pictured a bird coming and gently picking me up from the edge of the cliff and taking me to safety and this birds face is full of understanding and love and has no hidden motives and importantly it takes my fear and gives it back to me in a safe contained way...I think it was the emails from T that were the bird that rescued me....its the first time I found a safe place created by me, this bird was big and white and carried me in a pink bib...hopefully I can use this to help next time that fear is triggered...sometimes I think T is so laid back and indifferent when I am panicking, but I think she's showing me my fears are safe for her to deal with and its her strenght that I am taking...