Needing My T All the Time

I am posting here because although I am a member of another forum, so is my T. We are both members of the same forum and work closely on that forum together however no one knows that he is my T in real life. I am therefore writing here because this is something that I just don't feel comfortable writing there...for obvious reasons.

I see my T once a week and twice if I am in crisis but we probably talk by email at least 3-4 times a week. He has even set up a private posting area for me to vent/journal so that we can get a better understanding of what I need to address in therapy. He even answers me on that other posting area when he has time. Basically he has been awesome. So you must wonder why I am posting then...well although I have lots of contact with him, it is like I need more. It feels like I want to have contact with him all the time.

I don't know if I am scared that he is going to terminate because my last T of 8 years up and left without notice but he helped me get through that and to even trust him...when I said that I would never trust another T. He was incredible when I tried to push him away...he wouldn't let me.

I just feel so dependent on him but I want to be dependent on him. I want to talk to him all the time, to be noticed by him. I know that he cares for me and said that he would never give up on me but I constantly think about him, wondering what he is doing, how he is doing etc. This just feels weird and I feel like a freak. I shouldn't be thinking like this. He is my T....although we are like friends on the forum. I just want his attention a lot and I wonder if that is wrong. I obviously can't talk to him about this. I just have never needed/wanted someone so much in my life before. I have always wanted to push people away but with him I want him closer...not in a sexual way though.

I don't even know if this is making any sense but it is helping me get this out. I have been holding it in for so long...like 2 years now.

Thank you for letting me get this out.

I would take some of myself outside the online and therapy situations, make friends in real life, go to school or get a job, hobby, some other interests. That way you will have more experiences to discuss with your T and more people to be interested in and who will be interested in you. You won't need your T quite so much so you won't have to worry quite so much about it.

I do work full time and two jobs for part of the year. I also go out socially about twice a week. I also just recently came out of a romantic relationship which I am still trying to deal with.

I like all these things that I do however I find that even when I am doing these things working, hanging out with friends etc. I am thinking about him. Is this bad?

Not necessarily. I would tell him though, talk about it with him and see what he says.

Okay thanks....sounds like something I should do, as embarrassing as it will be.

be straight forward with him....if hes at all competent he will help you realize why you are thinking about him all the time....I had a male T a long time ago who said half to three quarter of his female clients had expressed loving or sexual feelings towards him.....its pretty common

(((((Sunshine)))))),
You're absolutely not alone, just check out some of the other threads in this forum. It seems that most of us are totally attached to our Ts. I've told my T, so he knows. However, it is still extremely difficult - I still think about my T a lot. He tells me that there will come a time when I won't feel the need to see him, but at this point I can't fathom that. It's so difficult longing for something that will never be. I can definitely empathize. Take care.

Thanks Brian and Soliaree for your input...I really appreciate it. I am so scared to say anything to him especially since we don't have just therapy together but work on a forum together. It just seems so conflicting.

I know that he is competant and probably has heard this before from other female clients however the thought of me telling him that I think about him all the time freaks me out. I actually see his type of vehicle around town and always check the licence plate thinking that it may be him.

Again it is not that I am sexually attracted to him (although he is a good looking man and the type that I would choose for myself but younger...wow, did I just say that outloud) but it is more that I appreciate everything that he does for me and the insight that he provides me and the caring that he shows me and how he never gives up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.

I just don't know if I can be that open with him and tell him this. I think that it may change things and I don't want things to get awkward.

I feel a lot of the same feelings for my therapist. I also don't know what to do with those feelings. I'm very dependent on him and he doesn't even know it. It's hard.

Hey...personally I would not worry about it. I think it is part of the process. I had a female T years ago and I was so attached to her, I thought about her ALL the time (and I am not gay).
I would even call her answering machine just to hear her voice.

I think if you had messed up attachment issues growing up, this is bound to happen. As you grow stronger (and grow!) you will need and think of your T less often. Sort of like getting wings and flying from the nest.

I still think about my old T alot and I am 1000s of miles away from her.

I just needed to post because I have a lot of anxiety and excitement because I get to see my T today. Although we have been in contact by email a few times over the past week it is not the same as seeing him f2f. I always get so excited to see him yet get disappointed when the session comes to an end and I know that it will be another week before I see him again.

I also know that it is going to be a difficult session as I have had a hard week but all I really want is to see him and know that he cares.

Only 6 hours to go!!!