Needing T way too much...

Trigger icon for mentions of suicidal ideation/SI

I hate how much I need him. I have been going through a very, very rough couple of weeks. In the past, no matter how depressed or disconnected I have been, I typically did not experience suicidal ideation. Sure I would have a fleeting though here and there... but in the last couple of weeks I have been completely consumed with ideation. And I have been doing some dangerous stuff that wouldn't qualify as an attempt by any means, but it's still not good.

I called him yesterday because I was feelings so disconnected and having so much ideation. When he called back he said, "I am going to see you on Friday, right? I don't want to hear about you. I don't want to read about you. I want to see you." He told me, "I don't want anything to happen to you" and "Please try to stay as safe as possible until Friday." I don't even know why I call him. It's not like it makes anything go away. Now I want to call him all the time. He told me yesterday, "Call back if you need to. I check my messages at least twice per day." I am doing everything in my power today not to call. I hate this, I hate this. I hate being so dependent on him.

Sometimes the connection is so strong. Other times, it's just dead. I've been feeling particularly resistant lately. Sometimes I can feel all sentimental before therapy, sort of brimming over with things I want to say, knowing that it's the right time for me to say those things. Feeling open, honest, and candid. In the last three sessions or so, (except for the one in which he gave me that CD), I have been a brick wall. I am trying to get a feel for tomorrow's session. I feel brick wall-ish. Maybe that will change tomorrow.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can gear myself up to just letting go when I get there? To let that deep connection occur again?

Two sessions ago I told him that I felt so safe during the couch session that I felt as though he was holding me without physical contact. I have this urge to tell him that I want him to hold me, to hug me.... but for fear that I would never want to let go. I know these are the things that are important to say because he and I both know there is so much more depth in regards to my transference feelings about our relationship.

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I've never needed my T more than I do at this moment. Earlier I called him just to ask him to call back and leave me a message (because I'll have no privacy to actually talk to him on the phone the rest of this week -- about to leave town with some friends). But I need to hear from him. So I know what you mean about needing.

I don't know how to help, other than to just say talk about the brick-wall feeling and how much you hate it. You're already good at saying what you mean though. But maybe it'll help to say things indirectly -- like say this is what I thought I was going to come in here and want to say except that now I don't feel so open about saying it. Sometimes it helps for me to take a back-asswards approach like that 'cause you're still talking, even if you're acknowledging that the moment doesn't feel right.

Okay, well that's all I can think of. I hope you'll take care of yourself. Things will get better!!!

Sidony

I'm sorry Pink, I am no help to you today. I just wish neither of us was going through this.

I'm so sorry pink, that you are feeling the way you do at the moment. Stay safe and know that these hard times do pass. I know what you mean by the connection in therapy. I am much the same. Sometimes I get there and can hardly say a word, other times I manage to say more. It is never easy for me though. Many times I have been driving there thinking of all the things I'm going to talk about and when I get there.....blank. Something that has been a great help in getting things moving is taking my journal with me. If I cant manage to get going, I let her read parts of it. Sometimes I just end up with it on my knee. Don't feel bad about ringing T if he says to. If he didnt want you to he wouldnt offer. Thinking of you ((((((((PINK))))))))))

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sidony said:

Sometimes it helps for me to take a back-asswards approach

Sidony

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This made me laugh because of a method that T uses normally once in each session. Here's an example:

Me: There are so many emotions that have been stirred up... I don't know... I want to talk about them, but...

T: Well what can't you talk about?

Me: ::eyeroll:: do you really think that reverse psychology %#@&#! is going to work on me?

...and sometimes it does.

6 1/2 hours.

I don't know...

I want to open up today... hold that connection.

I want to be able to look directly in his eyes.

And not be angry with him because I'm trying to cover up other feelings.

I have this pressing urge to tell him that I want him to hold me. Hug me. That I would never want to let go. Why do I want to tell him that so badly? I can't tell him that. I'd die.

Pink, I hope you do tell him. Guess you are at your appt. Your T would respond much differently than mine would.

I'll check back