ARRGH!

Rather unfullfilling session today. I trust my T; I think she is great. I just have such a difficult time opening up to *anyone*. I *want* to be able to be open and not so guarded, she knows this and I just can't figure out how to get there. She is left feeling that maybe I really don't want to be in therapy. I do! I started going twice a week because it was hard to wait a whole week in between being seen, but if I'm just going to show up and have such a hard time being open, then I feel like punishing myself and not even going once a week.

So frustrated!

That is frustrating. I also had trouble opening up during sessions/going blank during sessions, but would feel lots of things afterwards. So now, when I'm feeling those things I email them to her and then she emails a brief response and we talk about the rest during the next session. It makes me feel like I'm pushing myself and being open, even if I can't yet do that when I'm actually there, and it helps her see what's going on with me, even when I can't talk about it directly with her. Maybe you could try writing/emailing your thoughts after session, and then discuss it next time? Good luck!

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I don't think she does emails, but one thing I did differently this last week was write in a journal (I too had lots of feelings after session) and figured reading it to her in session would be helpful, since I couldn't go blank with the words right there in front of me. It was reeeeally awkward and did not feel good reading it, but I don't want to just hand the journal over, either.

I had a hard time at first too....I try to take one topic with me each session and talk as much about it as possible...keeping a journal is a good idea...sometimes during the week I just write down random thoughts on a 3X5 index card and take that with me....after a year and a half now, I have no trouble talking to her....

Good for you for trying something new. I'm not saying it isn't awkward for me too -- I often postively dread going to the next session after I feel like I've emailed something personal. But I force myself and at least that way I feel like I'm not wasting both of our time. Maybe you could try writing your thoughts on a separate piece of paper (not your whole journal) and give her a couple minutes to read it to herself next time if that's easier? I don't know, I would probably prefer letting her read than me having to read aloud. Being willng to try something new to help her help you seems like you're on the right track. Take care.

SoSadMom,

A lot of people here have had the same problem. How long have you been going to this T? For me I don't think going more times a week wouldn't have helped. I just needed time to acclimate to a totally new environment. I can totally relate to your comment about going blank. This happens to me a lot. I have a lot of things floating around in my head before and after a session, but as soon as I sit on the ugly couch they just move out of reach. All I can say is that things are starting to get better.
Here is what I've tried and seems to help a little bit.
1. writing a private journal.
2. reading and expressing stuff here on PC
3. Listening to music especially stuff that seems to connect to my emotions. I've even create a special playlist to listen to while I'm waiting for my appointment. This seems to help me relax and connect a little bit.
4. continually remind myself that I'm doing the best I can.
5. In the beginning I wrote a letter to my T expressing that I am having some difficulty.
6. My T accepts email and letters, but doesn't communicate with me between sessions. I sometimes send her what I can't seem to retrieve during a session. She then response to it in the session.

My communication skills are slowly improving and I am hopeful that eventually talking will get easier.

Just keep trying different things, your T will see that your trying and work at it from her end too.