[sunrise]

Last night's session was spent dealing with a new crisis that arose over the weekend. So no ego state work this week, just putting out forest fires. The situation had to do with the family--my girls and H. Serious stuff. I so appreciated being able to dump this in T's lap, because I just did not know what to do. I am so glad he is a family therapist and that he has done couples work with us--he understands our family system. One thing he said after I explained the situation was, "let's take care of your feelings first, and then try to deal with the rest of this mess." I really liked how he called it a mess, because it sure is, and that validated my concern. And I liked how he put my feelings at the top of the "to do" list.

Now we have an action plan. It involves him calling another one of my professionals today and then calling me back and letting me know how to proceed. He promised he would call today and that he would write himself a big reminder note so he wouldn't forget. But he has done this in the past and not called. He is terrible with anything to do with the phone. I'm wondering if he will call today. I predict a 25% chance he will call. We'll see....

He made a lot of interpretations. He doesn't always do that. He's making a lot of connections between my abusive childhood and my present, the failed marriage, and the behavior patterns that I've brought forward into this relationship and why. I've heard some of this before from him. One thing I had misunderstood was that he had told me before that I had enabled my H's behavior in the marriage, and I had readily agreed, very willing to take the burden of the failed marriage upon my shoulders. (I so readily accept the blame for everything.) I thought he had been telling me that by failing to stand up to my H, that I was an enabler and that I should have stood up to him and enforced my boundaries. But it turns out he did not think this at all and apologized for the misunderstanding. He agreed I had been an enabler but he didn't think I should have stood up to H. He said the thing to do in a continually abusive relationship is leave, not stand up to them. As a child, you can't leave. He said now I was leaving, it was hard, but I was doing it. I was breaking a lifelong pattern of taking abuse, and he was proud of me. He said, as he has before, that we seek out relationships as adults that re-create our dysfunctional childhoods in an effort to surmount them and finally resolve the childhood pain and feelings of powerlessness. I guess that is what I am doing now and explains why I unconsciously chose this abusive relationship. I needed to get it right. While we were having this discussion, it was really sinking in, even though we have gone over much of this territory before. I was listening very carefully to him and hearing him. Something was different. I think it was because he had moved from his couch to his desk and I had moved from my couch to his couch so I could be closer to him. I was very quiet as he spoke, processing. He and I were in different positions than our usual and it enabled the information to penetrate my brain differently. I changed places and the information just flowed in. Does that even make sense?

[chaotic13]

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Sunrise said:
..we seek out relationships as adults that re-create our dysfunctional childhoods in an effort to surmount them and finally resolve the childhood pain and feelings of powerlessness.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
The more I realize this the more nauseous I become. I worked very hard to breakaway from my childhood and the *&^%$ crap I dealt with. Only to realize that as soon as I was free I recreated it. Only this time it is soooo much worse because I've also doomed the only people this world who matter to me to a life of the same ********.

[ECHOES]

sunny I'm sorry about your family situation and I'm glad T can help with that.

I think sometimes we are just in a place where we can really hear something that's been talked about before, even if we think we really heard it before.

I had a similar experience this week in session. We talked about idealizing (I idealize others) and suddenly I could hear it without the deep deep shame I normally feel. We've covered some other ground since we first talked about it, so I have a better understanding of the background of it for me, but I could see how complex it is, how many layers there are to it. I felt like Helen Keller at the water pump... things that she has said were suddenly falling into place, connecting with me, making sense.

We seek the familiar and we end up in the same relationship patterns, like you said, trying to resolve old issues that we could not as children. We're so lucky to have therapy and T to help us see and understand ourselves and our relationships now. The interpretations are so interesting to me. I love hearing how something happening now took root so long ago and possibly even before our concious memories.

I hope T remembered to make his call.

[chaotic13]

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Sunrise said:
And I liked how he put my feelings at the top of the "to do" list.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Do you think this also helped make you more receptive?

[Kiya]

Mckell - I was thinking the same thing. the difference being i am still single with no kids... and from this post am thinking i will continue my single-ness and possibly my celebacy (sp).
So, Mckell - there must be a way out for you as well.
Be safe.....
Kiya

[Kiya]

Sunrise - I hope you are doing alright and am glad you are getting out of the abusive relationship... I hope your kids are ok!
Kiya

[Perna]

Changing places and thus getting "different" info makes a lot of sense.

I read a book or article or something about left and right brain processing and the person was talking about living in the US and then moving to the UK (car drivers/passengers switch sides) and how he noticed he "heard"/understood things differently with his wife talking into his left ear versus his right.

I'm deaf mostly in my right ear from Ménière's Syndrome which I had in the late 80's and early 90's and I swear I "understand" differently since.

I'm sure your brain could have gotten a "shake" by moving its literal point of view :-)

[sunrise]

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mckell13 said:
Only this time it is soooo much worse because I've also doomed the only people this world who matter to me to a life of the same ********.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">McKell, is there a way out, so you can keep yourself and the people who matter to you safe?

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ECHOES said:
suddenly I could hear it without the deep deep shame I normally feel.... I felt like Helen Keller at the water pump... things that she has said were suddenly falling into place, connecting with me, making sense.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It's like we have to be in some sort of special zone of receptivity to be able to hear and make sense of it all. I think back to last night and I remember sitting there while T talked, in that unusual spot on his couch, responding occasionally, and I just felt so open to what he was saying. I was not defensive at all. I was just receiving and benefiting from what he said without arguing or throwing up walls or defenses or stumbling blocks or diversions.

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ECHOES said:
I hope T remembered to make his call.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">No, he didn't call. No surprises there, I guess. Same old, same old. I can't wait forever for him and his instructions; I need to move forward and take my own actions.

[chaotic13]

Sunrise
When I read you initial post again what struck me was that you presented your T with a family problem and he agreed with you that it was a mess but then said lets deal with your needs first. This to me was really cool. I also found it really cool that you were willing to accept this. This demonstrates that you have reached a point where you recognize that your needs are important and worth his attention. I'm not there yet. I would likely have resisted this direct attention and wanted to focus on what to do about the kids. Mainly because I sometime am still unwilling to accept that thing that directly help me, often directly help my kids. I think the fact that you were receptive and open to putting your needs above other family members may have helped you receive his message more clearly. I think also the fact that you are comfortable moving around the therapy room suggests that you are really comfortable and that also allows information to flow better. I am still planted to the same spot on the ugly couch. I think my physical tension sometimes prevents messages from reaching certain brain centers until well after the session. My T sometimes moves from her chair and immediately my attention directs to that and away from what is being said. This little distraction impedes the flow.

So when I read your post I think your ability to receive the meaning of something that has been said before but not really appreciated is because you may have been in a different frame of mind or level of comfort than you were before.

Also, thanks for the reminding me that there is a way out, I just have to be willing to get into the right frame of mind to see it. My first post was from my 10 yr old ego state, not my adult ego state :-) I need to learn to detect this and confront the fact that I am now in control.

Thanks for sharing your experience in your session, I helped me see some little subtle things that are going on in my sessions.

[sunrise]

Thanks, McKell, for your thoughtful post. I'm honored your 10 year old posted in this thread.

Well, last night, after all hope had passed that T would call, I sent him an email. I can't wait for him. I told him the latest, and what actions I planned to take, unless I heard from him. And I thanked him for his help. Maybe it was a bit dismissive, I don't know. I only know my life goes on when I am not in his office, and I have real life decisions to make and carry out. He seems to want to have input into those but then doesn't give me what he says he will. I just wish he would not tell me he would call and then not do it. He came up with the idea of calling me, I didn't ask him. Then I feel like I am waiting around, depending on him, and he doesn't follow through. This has happened before. This whole cycle just adds to my stress and I have enough problems right now without feeling let down by T. So my "take charge" self is taking over and if he gets walked on a bit, so be it. I can't follow his advice if he can't be bothered to give it.

[ECHOES]

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No, he didn't call. No surprises there, I guess. Same old, same old. I can't wait forever for him and his instructions; I need to move forward and take my own actions.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I might want to let him know that his "action" plan was kind of a misnomer since he didn't do his part of the action.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just felt so open to what he was saying. I was not defensive at all. I was just receiving and benefiting from what he said without arguing or throwing up walls or defenses or stumbling blocks or diversions.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yes I like that description!

[sunrise]

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ECHOES said:
I might want to let him know that his "action" plan was kind of a misnomer since he didn't do his part of the action.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I really am at a loss. He didn't call today either, and he didn't email. I just don't get him. This does nothing for trust.

[Kiya]

"I really am at a loss. He didn't call today either, and he didn't email. I just don't get him. This does nothing for trust. "

=( did you call him today? or email?

[Perna]

Yes, sounds like your T is messing up with #1 on that one:

http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/bl...-relationship/

[sunrise]

He called this morning. Finally. Said he'd call Wednesday and today is Friday. Not too bad, I guess, given his track record. I guess I'm a little embarrassed to say, all is forgiven. Yeah, I'm a pushover.

When he called, I had just gone into the basement at work, where there is terrible cell phone reception. I could hear him perfectly, but he really couldn't hear me at all. He kept talking to me, though, "sunny, are you there? I can't hear you. Sunny? Sunny?" Meanwhile I started going down the hall to get outside for better reception. And I kept saying, "hold on, hold on, I'm here, hold on, hold on, hold on, I'm here." I kind of liked saying that to him. Not sure why. I liked that he held on through this, without being able to hear me, and didn't hang up.

Outside his voice was very strong and he sounded good. We talked about 15 minutes. He said he liked what I wrote in the email--that I was taking action. He asked me for my current plans and gave input into what he thinks I should do, if I am able--tomorrow is going to be a tough day. He also reported on what he had been up to and what his current plan is. So we both know what is going on. And I will see him Monday for our session and get to check in then too before somewhat of a big event happening Wednesday, when I'll see him again. Sheeesh, I hope I survive tomorrow. Hearing his voice and "expertness" gave me a lot of strength. Is it OK to just draw strength from someone like that? Hope they don't feel sapped after being tapped into like that. I also like how he acknowledged this is not a black and white situation and there is no one, perfect answer. I have been feeling so torn--if I do X, then this awful thing happens, but if I do Y, then this other thing happens that is also not good. So it was good to have someone acknowledge the reality of that to me.

I need some good luck tomorrow...

[ECHOES]

Dear pushover

I'm glad you heard from him and he helped you feel better.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Is it OK to just draw strength from someone like that? Hope they don't feel sapped after being tapped into like that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think they are delighted to do that. Think of a time you felt really good about helping someone and how good that felt to you. I think it's like that for them too.

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And I kept saying, "hold on, hold on, I'm here, hold on, hold on, hold on, I'm here." I kind of liked saying that to him. Not sure why.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I thnk it helped you feel very connected to him

It sounds like you have a tough week coming up and hard decisions and choices to make. I hope it goes very well for you.

And good luck for tomorrow.

[Kiya]

it sounds like you needed good luck for today - how did it go?

[sunrise]

Thank you, ECHOES and Kiya.

Today went really well--a big and scary discussion with my H about really sensitive topics--way better than I could have envisioned. This will help for later this week. Fingers crossed...

One thing I experienced was several times H said something and I was tempted to respond in a certain way, in an "old" pattern. But I didn't. I just sat there and listened to what I was feeling inside and did not respond in any way that was not true to what I perceived inside. This felt really good to me. And not so difficult. Maybe this is part of uncoupling.

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I thnk it helped you feel very connected to him

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I think you're right, ECHOES. Maybe if I feel disconnected from T in session, I'll just start chanting.

[ECHOES]

omg that would be so funny if you did