[Mouse_]

So my anger that I experienced a couple of week back in T is still just simmering under the surface....T knew this yesterday and as soon as she said it was there still, I saw it myself...I said yes, it is still there and it won't go away...T said want to talk about it?...I replied I can't....T said you can't or you dont want too?....I said I dont want too, because I will inflate then explode and all this green envy and rage will shoot out of me.....she said on the session after my rage session that it had frightened me and I walked in saying I wanted peace and then yesterday I told her how on mondays session I felt disconnected from her...she ask me what would happen if I felt connected to her?...I said I guess I'd feel angry at you....I said this week it really hit me that all I do is see her twice a week for 2 50min sessions...I wanted her to say something at that point...I'm not sure what...perhaps I wanted her to reasure me that theres more to "it" then that....but perhaps she wants me to experience what that really feels like?....it feels like discovering your parents are only human after all thats what it feels like...It feels like I'm about to loose the dream world a child most often lives in...well the world I've always lived in.....I feel part of me fighting to cling onto it...but part of me is trying to lead me through it....I'm afraid that if I loose this dream that there will be nothing left....perhaps because most times apart from the fantasys I Had of my mother there really wasn't much there....oh dear as I write this I see the transferrence....I see that T has been there so much more then my mother ever was....but the fear is still being held by that small part of me...its like I'm trying to cross a stream and T is on the other side with her hand out reached but I'm stuck in the middle thinking of all the things that could go wrong and unable to see the things that will be right....

[MissCharlotte]

Mouse,
I so understand every single word of your post. Recently with my rage and repair I experienced the exact same sequence. Rage, then conciliatory session and then dissociated session and now I have decided and realized that I can hold on to the good side of him instead of the "bad" in order to hold on to "us."

So, just for now, I am hanging on. I know it won't last forever, though.

After our rupture and my rage, I told him that it felt as though he were on the other side of a canyon and that the space between us was huge and wide.

It's so damned hard and painful to relive and realize those moments when, as children we were so very alone. But you said it--that T has been there--so go ahead and swim over to the other side because you two have a beautiful relationship.

Peace

[Mouse_]

Miss Charlotte, If someone had said to me I deny my anger I'd have called them a liar, I feel i've always found other things to be angry instead of looking at where the anger is really coming from...I sit here telling myself its just a feeling....unyet it feels more then just a feeling....it feels like something that brings nothing but negative painful consequences...it brings other peoples rejections and anger...it brings with it not being heard..it brings having your life laid out in front of you as an accusation......unyet its just a feeling inside of me....is it my fantasys that create the monster in the anger?.....what if I treat it as a friend?....perhaps thats the answer....

[ECHOES]

mouse you're posts are so eloquent.

I once was asked to envision my anger. I never used to admit to being angry and this person was sure I was afraid of it when she noticed that I would talk a wide path around it. She was right and that was helpful to learn. I thought that feeling anger was wrong and not healthy too.

So I did a meditative kind of thing, where I just sat quietly for a while then welcomed thoughts about anger to see what popped up. What popped up were 2 visions. One was of the Incredible Hulk (TV show, which I never watched) where he is changing from a normal human into the Hulk, turning green, his chest expanding, buttons of his shirt popping and flying off. The other vision was of a horse. Again, I don't even care for horses. The horse was confined to a stall but aggitated, prancing about and rearing up a bit. The stall was not solid; the wall I could see was made of wide horizontal slats with wide spaces, like a fence. Both visions show I am afraid of my anger not being able to be contained, getting out of control. I used to rage and yes I am very afraid of feeling anger, acknowledging anger.. what will happen then is my fear.

I just recently was able to tell T I was angry about something I felt she did. I couldn't come right out and say it, but I said I was angry at "all involved" and she didn't let that slip by her. lol. In the next breath she repeated it back to me and I had to tell her what she already knew, that "all involved" included her. That was so hard.

I like your idea of looking at anger with cuiriosity and interest, something that just.. is.. and that we can use to learn more about ourselves.

[chaotic13]

During one session I stated that I was angry at my H. I remember going to therapy the next session and My T asked 'what's on your mind'. I said not much I thought last session I did a good job of expressing myself, I was angry and I admitted it. She said, 'you were angry, I didn't get that from you last session?" I said "Yes, I clearly recall me saying, I am angry, this is angry I'm feeling!' She simply said "Oh, I remember you saying you were angry I just did sense it." &^$@@#@!, I didn't get what she was implying. I still cannot express anger. I can say "I am angry." but I can't BE angry.