[lauren_helene]

For many months now, I have had my sessions on Wednesdays at 7pm. Last month, when I scheduled for April, the 2nd was taken at 7 so I had 6:15.

On my way out, I saw the 7:00 person and she was trying to schedule a Wednesday at 7:00 on the 30th which I already have thank goodness.

Anyway, I made a comment to the office manager (jokingly) about not giving my session slot away and he said don't worry your good for the rest of April.

Is it wrong for me to expect the same day/time from my T? Once when T was scheduling me he said "oh you like Wed. at 7" and I said yes you know I do and he mentioned something about changing his hours next year. He saw the look on my face and said it's not because of me but I take this all as some resistance regarding my schedule.

My T says he tries to be consistent with me but I can point out many times he hasn't and it is usually centered around calls or scheduling sessions. I still don't feel 100% safe and this is part of the reason why.

I am ready to just give up on this process. It's been over two years and I'm still not feeling safe and he couldn't care less. He's acknowledged that he knows I don't feel safe but has never asked me what I need to feel safe.

He's also said I could call to give him an update on my health situation so I did that this morning...guess what? Silence! It's a good thing I'm not on my death bed.

How much consistency is okay to expect? I struggle with this because I wonder if I am being demanding of his time? or asking for things he can't or won't give?

I'm so hurt right now and I try very hard not to call or ask for anything because this is what happens. In the past when I have said "I was going to call you but didn't" he says I can call...but then this happens and it sets me back.

Am I wrong to expect any of this?

[MissCharlotte]

((Almeda))

I can only speak from my own experience. I have been seeing T for a year and a half and it is only now, and I mean JUST now that I feel safe with him. It took a ton of work to get here including a couple of near fatal ruptures.

I do not think you are wrong for wanting what you need. Wanting is never wrong. I hope you can discuss your needs openly with him and see what kind of response you get. I think that getting it all out in the open is the only way. Yeah, that silence is deafening but don't let it stop you from saying out loud what you need.

(((((((((((almeda))))))))))))))

Feel better.

[lauren_helene]

Thanks Miss Charlotte. I usually do okay talking to him about this stuff but I am growing tired of the "process" you know?

Maybe I just need a therapy break for awhile. Of course, I say that but will I be there next week? Yes...

Maybe I would feel safer if I did lay it all out there and let a rupture happen if it will. I try to avoid it because one time we had a rupture and it almost ruined me emotionally.

Thanks for the hugs!

I think most of the safe feelings of trust I have with my therapist have come as a RESULT of ruptures. They were so, so painful and scary when they happened....but working through them brought us closer together and showed me what a solid, consistent, caring presence he is.

I've been in therapy for only 5 months, 2 or 3 times a week. Trust and feeling safe are huge issues for me, and are really the main thing we work on in therapy. It's been really hard and REALLY scary, but I've learned that if I tell him what I need, he will usually try to give it to me, in some form. It almost makes me physically ill sometimes to take the risk of telling him, but his responses over time have helped me to really believe that he is safe and therapy is safe.

I think that for a lot of us, this process of learning to trust and feel safe is what therapy is ABOUT. So, don't be too hard on yourself. It's so hard, but I bet it will be worth it in the end.

[sunrise]

Hi almedafan, we each have our own experiences in therapy and what works in mine may not be what will be your own best scenario. But here is my thoughts.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Is it wrong for me to expect the same day/time from my T?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I don't think it is a right or wrong issue. How does your T usually schedule his clients? Does he do standing appointments? If so, then can you tell him your desire to have a standing appointment? I don't think the office manager will necessarily be privy to talks on this subject between you and your T, so don't necessarily expect him/her to know. I used to have a standing appointment with my T and it felt great! I had never had that before, as my previous T and I didn't schedule that way. When my current T gave me a standing appointment, it made me feel really good, like my regular appointments and progress were so important to him, that he would block out this regular time for me indefinitely. But we aren't doing regular appointments anymore. Now I just schedule one at a time, a week in advance and try to fit in to whatever he has left at that time (I usually have about 3 choices.) I liked it the other way better, but this way is fine too. If I really want a regular appointment, I can always ask him, but I'm not. I have something else going on inside about that, I think that I keep expecting myself to change to only every other week. But I'm not. But I'm reluctant to admit to myself that I am not ready to go to every other week yet. So I don't ask for the regular appointments. Ha, ha, conflicted! T lets me call the shots. He would never suggest I have a standing appointment, but I bet he would give me one again if I asked. Therapy cracks me up sometimes.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He's acknowledged that he knows I don't feel safe but has never asked me what I need to feel safe.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">My T has asked me a number of times, "what can I do to make it safe for you here?" so this is a concern of his. I really like when he asks this . Do you know how you would answer if your T did ask you that question? If he is not going to ask, can you bring it up? I'm sorry this is so hard right now.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He's also said I could call to give him an update on my health situation so I did that this morning...guess what? Silence!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Ouch! I hope you can mention that to him and get clarification on if he really meant it was OK to call him about your health.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
How much consistency is okay to expect? I struggle with this because I wonder if I am ... asking for things he can't or won't give?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I hope you can have this discussion with him and learn the answers so you can know what he can or can't give. It is really reassuring to know the boundaries (even if you don't like them) so you aren't left wondering what you can and can't expect.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Am I wrong to expect any of this?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I don't think there's a right or a wrong. I just think you need clarity, and a direct discussion of this will help you immensely.

[Kiya]

that's my day and time too... t's gonna be gone for a week and it always messes everything up. some how to me consistency to me means "without change", which doesn't work for others. =(

Well, I actually read somewhere that consistency with appointments is an important foundation for the client in building trust and feeling safe. It is because the client can count on that being "normal" in their lives. As opposed to if people grew up in abusive homes where consistency was not there.

I have to have the same times and days each week, otherwise I feel like I am being juggled around and don't get settled.

I think if this is important to you, you need to tell your T how you feel about it. I think you have a valid point, especially since you have been seeing him for ALONG time. It is not like you are a new client that he is trying to fit in....

Just my 2 cents....

[Kiya]

"I have to have the same times and days each week, otherwise I feel like I am being juggled around and don't get settled. "

me too.

[MissCharlotte]

Almeda,

Ohhhh I really have been where you are. I have felt the emotional fragility of a rupture so much so that the fear of another is always in the back of my mind.

Just a thought---T did say out loud that you prefer your 7pm time slot, so can you try to hold onto the fact that he did remember that you "like" this time slot? I notice that he said like and you said need. So, I was thinking that maybe you could entertain a conversation surrounding your need for a consistent time.

I have found that even if I told T something before, sometimes he hears me the second or third time rather than the first. I am also noticing that is neither a good or bad thing but points out my need to keep trying on those issues that are important to me.

Peace

[Kiya]

i agree with miss... tell t again - i get heard second or third time as well.

[Mouse_]

I;m lucky that T works privately..she keeps her diary.....she has always let me have our regular days and times...she says during those days and times, she is fully with me...its "our" time...at first I thought that silly when I first entered therapy almost 4yrs ago now....but now its something I can "count" on....

[Merlin]

It sucks, but maybe you need to ensure your own consistency. Book that same time every week for as long ahead as your T is currently booking.

[lauren_helene]

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sunrise said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Is it wrong for me to expect the same day/time from my T?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I don't think it is a right or wrong issue. How does your T usually schedule his clients? Does he do standing appointments?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think many of his patients have their own time and then there are some that do not. I'm pretty sure I did ask him if I could have the same day/time and that is how we got on this schedule to begin with. I can't be 100% sure though.

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sunrise said:
If so, then can you tell him your desire to have a standing appointment?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, I am going to ask him this outright next week and then ask him if he will tell the office manager that.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
My T has asked me a number of times, "what can I do to make it safe for you here?" so this is a concern of his. I really like when he asks this . Do you know how you would answer if your T did ask you that question?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I wish he would ask me this and since we've talked about this a few times, I'm surprised he hasn't. Is he waiting for me to tell him? or does he think he is doing enough and I'm the issue?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
Ouch! I hope you can mention that to him and get clarification on if he really meant it was OK to call him about your health.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I've asked him before and he has said okay. Also, there are times I felt like calling him about my son's health issue etc. and he'll say "you can call, we have an emergency number" because it was on a weekend that my son had some issues.

This is just confusing to me...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
I hope you can have this discussion with him and learn the answers so you can know what he can or can't give. It is really reassuring to know the boundaries (even if you don't like them) so you aren't left wondering what you can and can't expect..

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You're right Sunny. I need to know for sure. I fear he will say he didn't get the message or he was busy...blah, blah, blah...like he has said in the past.

I hate that I called him and I'm so mad at myself now...

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Riptide said:
Well, I actually read somewhere that consistency with appointments is an important foundation for the client in building trust and feeling safe. It is because the client can count on that being "normal" in their lives. As opposed to if people grew up in abusive homes where consistency was not there.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's a great point I never connected the dot too. There has never been consistency in my life and he is the one person I need this from. I need to find a good way to word all of this...

[lauren_helene]

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MissCharlotte said:
Almeda,

Ohhhh I really have been where you are. I have felt the emotional fragility of a rupture so much so that the fear of another is always in the back of my mind.

Just a thought---T did say out loud that you prefer your 7pm time slot, so can you try to hold onto the fact that he did remember that you "like" this time slot? I notice that he said like and you said need. So, I was thinking that maybe you could entertain a conversation surrounding your need for a consistent time.

I have found that even if I told T something before, sometimes he hears me the second or third time rather than the first. I am also noticing that is neither a good or bad thing but points out my need to keep trying on those issues that are important to me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

He did say like and I do need it! Maybe that is it, he doesn't know how important it really is to me?

I've made comments to both of them though about 'my time slot' etc. He's never said it isn't mine and that he doesn't do standing appts...