T session today

I had a really really hard session today. I dissociated twice, big time, and the first time T said he found it hard to call me back. Usually he only has to say my name and I get back, but this time he had to say it three times. Even then it took me a long time to realise where i was, he said. The second time I was trying to work out where elsie had gone.

It's still a very frightening experience for me. We talked about how impossible I find it to get my others to access the grounding skills and CBT stuff. Still haven't come up with a solution to that one. But he did say that, from today, he worked out that I am more likely to dissociate when operating on high emotional intensity, and that maybe I can use that to help to recognise the signs and take steps to stay in the now when that is important.

I have felt disorientated and confused all day. Teaching this afternoon was so hard - I was on sucvh a short fuse. Plus there was a lot of pressure fromt he need to prepare for an interview for another job I have on MOnday. I needed to leave cover and I found it impossible to find time to do that. Thena fter schoool was the sponsored school run, so all the students were high anyway and I have jsut got home from that (it's 9.15pm here). I'm tired and I felt like I was losing control at the end of the day. I know it was important for the others to say what they did today, and my T said he understood a lot from what they said, but I still don't want that to happen. I'm so confused.

((((((((((((Caroline)))))))))) Sorry you are having a hard time in therapy.

When I was with SKR she was told by a DID specialist not to try and "call me back" if I am fully dissociated into a memory piece. The idea was basically because that profession believes that I was triggered into that memory piece for a reason. If we did not know the reason/trigger then it would keep happening, and as long as the trigger (whatever it was that was making me uncomfortable to the point of dissociating) existed and as long as I felt upset about that trigger I would remain in my la la land and the associated piece of memory would continue to replay. So instead of fighting a losing battle of having trouble "calling me back" out of that piece of memory she was told to use it as an opportunity to ask questions about what was going on at that moment. If the questions matched something in that piece of memory I would be able to answer her. Then once she knew what the memory was and the trigger we had a way to take care of the situation and me by using grounding, drawing and so on to help me to stay aware and start remembering what that memory is, when I was later exposed to that same trigger on puropose.

From then on no matter what memory piece I was triggered into SKR just continued on with what we were doing. She knew from the professional point of view it was impossible for me to come out of it until I felt safe and comfrotable and she also knew that it was impossible for a DID person to remain as a memory piece forever. Eventually that person will calm down and come out of their mental safe place.

So for us we didn't worry about if I dissociated during therapy. It was up to me to hold on and keep answering her questions as long as I could, but if I dissociated that was fine too because we were working the trigger route of locating the triggers, and using them to help me to remember the memories while I was aware.

I think of it kind of like a person sleeping. eventually no matter what you do the person is going to fall asleep and no matter what you do that person one so tired they are not going to wake up. So you might as well use the time to get other work around the house done.

The aim in my therapy plan is to remain aware but I know there are times when it is still impossible for me to do so, so while the piece of memory is replaying why not get the other work of the therapist finding out all the information that she can.

My present therapist LL also does not "call me back". If she did she would tell me. What she has told me is things like - "you just went somewhere" or "Me" and I had a great time while you were gone" and then goes into some detail of what she found out.

Doing things this way I have no fears about whether or not I dissociate during therapy and I don't get upset about it if I do. SKR and LL and I all have the attitude of I dissociated for years so its going to take possibly years to get thing straighened out and if I dissociate during therapy I dissociate if I don't, I don't. Just another day in therapy either way.

Talk with your therapist. let him know it scares you when he tells you he is having trouble calling you back. So that you two can develop a plan that will help you feel safer and less uncomfortable during therapy and so on.

Caroline,

I get confused too, after dissociating. It's like a lingering shadow.

I was wondering if I was the only one who was short tempered after such an experience? Guess not.

Hang in there,
Songbird

(((((((((( Caroline, Alice and all ))))))))))

You've had a rough day, but you've learned a lot. Take your time and rest now.

Love and hugs,

Jan

Thank you myself. Yesterday really shook me up. My T recognised that it was a hard session for me.

I'm not sure how *I* can handle talking with T about the calling me back issue, though the thing you said aobut telling him it bothers me when he has trouble doing it might be a good place to start. I guess I'm scared of getting "stuck" in a memory piece. I'm also struggling with being partially aware of what is happening (I know one of the insiders is speaking but I can't override her). It's such a weird feeling.
T was very good yesterday about using what alice and elsie told him to help me deal wiht past stuff. Maybe that is what you meant aobut recognising the triggers. He did say that I seem to dissociate when I am dealing with things that trigger strong emotional involvement.
I have learnt from yesterday that I need to avoid morning sessions. I found it so hard to function in front of classes yesterday afternoon. I need to make sure i have my sessions at the end of the day so I can go home and take care of me.
Thanks for the response.

Thank you, SOngbird. Yes, I hadn't picked up that i got so short-tempered after dissociating before - but usually I go home and take some alone time so it doesn't apply. Thanks for sharing similarities too - it helps to know it isn't just me.

Thank you Jan.

I've got a busy weekend, unfortunately, but am about to go into town which will be some "me" time.

Caroline,

I would love to go shopping with you "downtown". I've never been to "you know where" and think of it as charming. I'd like to get overseas and experience the different flavor. Except Iraq. I don't think I would like that area of the world. Too many negative, opinionated people, IMO.

Don't forget to buy somethiing fun!

Songbird

Thank you, Songbird.

I did have fun. I totally relaxed while I had my hair done - my hair dresser does a fantastic head massage on me every week. Then I went and got a top for my interview on Monday, and then went to our two art and craft shops. One of them was having a cardmaking day so they had lots on special offer - I couldn't resist the Goodie Bag! At the other one I bought myself some eyelets which I have never used before, but which I think I will have fun with too.
I'd love to have you come shopping with me. Don't know if it would be like you think it is, though!

Agree, the "double reality" thing is soooo weird. There are so many fascinating layers to usn's aren't there?

((((((((((((Caroline))))))))))))
I'm sorry it was hard at t. I saw you note about morning sessions. It really helped me for t to move mine to last appt of the day for several reasons. No one else is around making sudden noises out in the hallway which can trigger and because so often I struggle afterward depending on the session, I only have to try to get home, not go somewhere and try to stay present doing something. My t does not call me back either, she usually just says something like "you're back" or "welcome back". Sometimes I don't even realize I "left". Good luck with this. Your new t sounds really good and I'm so glad it worked out for you.

Sure are, hillbunnyb.
Thanks for responding.

Thank you, wantto heal. Yes, this has shown me that I really do need to have later sessions. Noise isn't an issue whenever I have it, but the necessity to perform as if nothing ahs happened (I teach so I can't shut my office door and get on with stuff alone) is a big one.

Thanks too for the comment about calling back. I'm going to see if I can bring this up with T. I'm so glad to have found a good one - it has taken so very long to get to this stage.

wanttoheal,

Yah, me too! Sudden noises, loud noises has been an issue lately. I guess that's why I'm panicking in stores etc. I've become hyper sensitive to a lot of things as of late. I think it's because we are doing more intense therapy work. T says I should be seeing him 2 or 3 times a week with what we are doing - but not practical with insurance, etc.

He keeps me at the end of the day so he can make it an extended session if I need it. He doesn't even charge me - so nice, he is. I'm lucky to have found him.

Songbird

Your welcome.

Yea being co conscious with a memory after not knowing anything that is contained in that piece of memory does feel weird. I won't type my whole experience with it because it will take a long time and lots of room but you can find my experiences with learning how to be co conscious and how I feel during it in my blg.

terrific idea on the therapy time slot move. I too moved my t herapy sessions from one day and time to another day but my reason for it wasn't because of how I felt after the sessions. I keep journals and so on and located a pattern and had my therapist move my therapy day to the day that I have more problems on because that would be the day that things are closer to the surface so we could figure them out.

Long ago though I learned that with the type of work I am doing its best not to schedule anything on the day I have therapy. that way I can go to therapy and whatever happens does not run into other areas of my life. If I need to I can just come home and spend the rest of the day sleeping or sitting in the bathtub and so on.

hang in there

I read up on being coconscious from your blog. I seem always to ahve had some level of awareness of the otehrs. I don't know - a part of me just wants to give up trying to understand all this stuff because it seems so incomprehensible. All I do know is that my T managed to make elsie feel that mum wanting to leave home was not her fault and so that memory does not seem to have the power over me that it had. Maybe other things will work out too. It's good to know at least that others find conconsciousness an odd and disorientating feeling.
Yes, I'm definitely going to keep to evening sessions now - though if the same situation comes up as did this time, where it is a choice of a morning session or a 3 week break between sessions I don't know what I will do.
On with all the everyday stuff that doesn't go away. Part of me wants these others to disappear and part is terrified that that is what will happen.

Can you talk to him and see if you can get a standing appt same day and time every week? Sometimes I think the only way I make it to t some weeks is because the body just goes on routine.

Know what you mean Songbird. The length of our sessions are dependent on the need. It's great to have a t who really cares and is willing to do that, isn't it.