I'm sorry I'm posting so much, but this just has me so pissed off!!!

I know I'm repeating myself, but my therapy up until this point has mainly focused on feeling safe, trusting him, etc. It's been a LOT of work and really, really hard, but he's always been a really steady, solid, caring, supportive presence, and I've JUST started to believe that yes, I can trust him, and yes, he is safe and he can help me through the things I need to work through.

So I went for this really hard session today. I was really proud of myself for going and getting through it. At the end of the appointment, when we were confirming my appointment times for next week, my standing Friday appointment wasn't available! I could come the hour before or an hour later. WHAT?!?!?!?!?! We did our usual clasping of hands/hand holding thing at the end of session, but I just didn't feel it - I was just going through the motions. When I left, I was thinking, I am SO not holding that guy's hand the next time I see him.

I'm a little slow on the whole feeling side of things, so I didn't realize until a little bit ago, many hours after my appointment, how ANGRY I am. I mean, he TELLS me "you're important, this is important, you're safe, you can trust me" and then his actions say "oh, not really". When he saw that my time wasn't available he just said "oops, I messed up, sorry". He schedules his own appointments, so HE made the mistake.

My feelings are SO hurt, and I'm totally questioning the whole therapy thing now. Like, when he says I'm important and he cares about me, is he just SAYING that?? And how am I supposed to process all of this crappy stuff I'm dealing with because I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE when I don't feel like I can trust him now? What am I supposed to do with that?

He is constantly telling me "it's okay to be angry with me" and I know that he wants me to be angry at the people in my past who have hurt me. So, did he do this on purpose to make me mad? After ALL of this WORK to learn to trust him????

I'm upset.

[lauren_helene]

I'm sorry earthmama, I know this one all too well. I totally get what you are saying because we are in therapy not to be hurt again.

We've already been through that and more and when something like this happens, it throws everything off.

But try and remember the other connections you have made with him to help build that trust. Like you, it is very easy for me to say forget it, you ruined everything. It is a work in progress.

It is good though that he schedules his appts so he can't blame the office person like my T does. Returned calls? Nah...he never got the message, darn office person. Very passive-aggressive in my mind. At least your T acknowledges the mistake although the oops part I didn't like.

Sometimes it feels like they go out of their way to send the message that we are irrelevant but it can't be true right?

It isn't in your case, I'm sure of it. Talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Hang in there.

[sunrise]

(((earthmama)))

Yeah, it hurts, but it is good he said he was sorry. They are human, not perfect, and now you see how true this is. I don't think it means he doesn't care for you or that you can't trust him. I think he plain just screwed up, hurtful though it may be. Hang in there, and tell him how you feel.

T's suck

[gimmeice]

[Fuzzybear]

[MissCharlotte]

(earthmama)

Can you tell him how you feel? Ask him if he did it on purpose?

I'm sorry this has happened right now.

Stay safe.

[Kiya]

Sorry! Mistakes happen sometimes -try to not let it tear apart the trust and the relationship!! I know it hurts. I do. But hang in there, ok? Your relationship is still very new.

My T has given away the time that I typically have my appointment with her. It's an honest, human mistake.
I know it feels hurtful - like - we've done this forever, how can you FORGET ME? I didn't take it as just accidently filling a slot, I took it as FORGETTING ME.
I've grown a lot though, and just had to learn that she's human. No matter how much I keep expecting her to tear her shirt and reveal a superhuman logo to me.

My therapist does this a lot. I know how you feel.

The thing is, this isn't how I would normally be. If this were "real life" and someone made this kind of mistake, I would just think "oh well, everyone makes mistakes, glad there's another appointment available!" - but everything feels so much BIGGER and more meaningful in therapy.

And this has happened once before, but when he saw what he did, he crossed the other person out, put my name there, and rescheduled the other person. The fact that he didn't do that this time has me all freaked out, wondering what I've done wrong, if he doesn't like me anymore, if that other person is more important than me for some reason, etc., etc.

He has made mistakes and apologized before, but it's usually really heartfelt and I can tell he's really sorry. This time it was just a flippant "oh, oops, sorry". He didn't seem sorry at all.

I know I'm making a big deal out of "nothing"....but this hurts, and I'm sad and mad and totally confused. The thought of losing the trust I've built is so awful. I can't process the old stuff that's coming up on my own. I'm scared. What am I supposed to do with this stuff that we were just starting to process??

Earthmama,
This happened to me a few weeks ago, and I know exactly how you feel. I think it hurts more in this situation because it brings to the forefront the fact that we care more about our Ts than they do for us. Although they do care about us, it is not usually in the way nor intensity that we would like. Our worlds seem to revolve around them and we would NEVER make an error like this that included "forgetting" them. My schedule is screwed up for the next three weeks or so. So, I went ahead and scheduled my normal appointments through June or July so I won't have to deal with this again. I know it's painful. It would be good to tell your T how you feel, but also tell him that you want to be put on his schedule for your regular time as far in the future as you can.

((((((Earthmama)))))))))
I hope things go well Take care.

This does hurt alot... have had it done to me... and I got so mad and hurt.... because it does hurt...

And people sometimes saying things to try to help make it feel better for you.. sometimes hurts too...

With my current T... he is more careful... when he changes my standing appt... he says.. I can't do it at this time next week... so would this time be ok......

I personally "do not want to know the "why" of why he is changing my appt"
So I do not know if it is because he will not be in the office.. or another person.. or what..

I told him not to tell me... perhaps.. this is avoidence on my part... but it causes me alot less pain.... and.. it keeps my therapy going....

[nightbird]

dang, again, i wish i had a T to ***** about...

look, an hour is an adjustment - that's all.

one hour.

what happens when the other standing appointments in ones life have to be adjusted?

we adjust, because we have to.

to overwork it, or over think it, or be inflexible, or blow it out of porportion, is a waste of time.

it doesn't change anything.

T's aren't slaves to our convenient clocks, nor are our MD's or anyone else.

didn't you ever have a medical care physician have to change the appt.?

they do... when stuff comes up or they are adjusting to a new and different schedule.

i'm sorry i don't see the harm done here.

it doesn't mean i don't feel you, or that i don't care. i do.

i'm looking at how realistic we all need to be with people in out lives.

we don't own anyone. being possessive is not an asset.

not saying you are - just in general.

take care.
night

[(JD)]

It does hurt, and Ts know this. If a T does this all the time, then they need a new system, and maybe you could go to a definite time slot each week.

The main thing to remember is that it isn't personal.

Yes, other doctors and even friends have to do this, reschedule appointments...and if it was for something you felt important it affects you more.

You are right, things do appear larger than life when it concerns a T appointment...perhaps it's because it is the place where you know you are listened to and understood, and accepted.

If you are able, then you might consider calling the T's number to verify your appointment. But I prefer the "standing" appointments (same time, same day) if both of you can do that.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[chaotic13]

I've been lurking on this thread and figured I post a comment. I personally like consistency on every level. For the most part my T has been very good at being very consistent in her interactions with me. Most of the time I have the same time block on the same day. However, one several occasions My T has simply said, I am not available at 1; but I have a __ block available. Now, for me this works because she has never said, 'sorry I am completely booked so I can't see you.' I would definitely feel rejected and not cared for then!

I think because I experienced some fluctuation in session times early on, it never occurred to me that I had a guaranteed (designated) time slot. Maybe this is because of my attachment issues or MAYBE it was by design. Since I tend to be a bit on the annal side, I think I could have easily fallen into the expectation that I OWNED a particular time block. I also have a tendency to be a bit paranoid and look for all kinds of negative reasons for various statements and events that occur in therapy. So if I had developed this expectation I would definitely think a change in schedule meant something negative. So I can appreciate why some people get upset. My T whether through planning or by accident successfully dodged this bullet.

I wonder.... would it be prudent for a T to occasionally change treatment times? This would kind of indirectly send the message that time blocks are flexible and that no one can OWN a specific time block. If from the very beginning the patient experience some fluctuations in slot availability, they would not automatically think (assume) these changes are negative--just normal fluctuation that sometimes are unavoidable.

I am grateful that I for whatever reason I did not develop this expectation. Sooner or later, scheduling conflicts develop and appointment times change.

Maybe it would help you if you imagined that one day you were having a really hard time coping, and needed to schedule an extra session. When you called in crisis, your T or the office staff heard your despair and assigned you to an open slot. The patient that would have normally had that spot is now bumped to another one.. and so on.. and so on. The resulting scheduling changes had everything to do with your T caring for YOU and had nothing to do with him/her forgetting the needs of the other patients or attempting to punish, ignore, or hurt anyone.