What do you consider "being disrespectful to your T?

What boundaries does your T set on your behavior in his office???

examples... swearing in the office, telling him he is a "jerk"

I think that there are probably... many different viewpoints on this issue..

and I am curious....what is out there....

[(JD)]

It's not nice to attack the T, in any fashion. There's even no reason to raise your voice when speaking to T, even if about "jerks" on the outside...as it's stressful and not necessary anyway. (Use normal adult voice conversation range.)To imply T doesn't know what they are doing, to call them names personally, berating them, none of that is good. How much would you like to hear of that, if you were the T? A good T won't take it personally, but still, why submit them to that stuff? Your beef isn't about them, they are there to HELP you.

It is your session, so unless you are in a religious setting where you would certainly offend, it's up to you what language you use to describe your feelings and thoughts.

It is usual for a boundary on physical abuse to be set. Thou shalt not hit or throw things at the T, nor threaten T in any fashion.

etc.

[Brian37]

" do onto others as you would have them do onto you "

speaks volumes as far as i'm concerned

Hmmm.

Well, in general, my therapist and I have a pretty pleasant relationship. There have been times when he's done things that have upset me, and I've told him about them, and we've talked (and talked and talked) about it, and he always listens to my point of view and apologizes if he's hurt my feelings, or there's been a misunderstanding, or whatever. I'm not used to telling people when I'm angry at them, but I try to be respectful, like I would want him to be with me.

However! There have been times when I've told him "I was at home thinking "T is SUCH an %#@&#!!'" or whatever, and he just takes it in stride. I told him once that I thought he was narcissistic because he likes to talk about the therapy relationship so much since it involves HIM and not just me. Then I apologized later, and he said "why should you apologize for saying what you were feeling?". He's very, VERY patient and seems to be more than willing to take whatever I throw at him. Ha - speaking of throwing things at him, I told him once that I had a STRONG urge to throw something at him, and he offered to move so I could throw something at his chair.

I read about your therapist asking you to leave. I can't imagine my T doing that unless I got really violent or something. I think it's their job to let us express whatever we need to express, and then to help us figure out why we feel that way. So, I'm sorry that happened to you.

I'll be interested to hear what other people have to say in response to your question!

[Kiya]

yeah - my last t even tried to get me to throw squishy balls at her when she did something to offend me. I couldn't do it. she kept egging me on. i finally got to the point of miming the action of taking the balls out of the basket and chucking one at her... and she likewise mimed getting hit with it.

T's working with patients who have abusive histories (as I am assuming you do because of the DID), are supposed to be aware that the transferance can get negative. And yes, even some disorders like personality disorders can really have terrible negative transferance and outburts that are not pleasant.

T's are supposed to decide about working with you. If they can't accept behavior that might come with your disorder or the transferance they should not be working with you. For example, some T's will not work with people with anti-social personality disorder because they can get violent in session and throw things.

That being said, my T always said that it is important that she set appropiate boundaries, so when I get disrespectful, she would discuss it with me. NEVER throw me out!

[gimmeice]

(((((((((freewill)))))))))))))
My T has not discussed boundries with me, it just has never come up.
Usually if I get upset with something she says or does I don't say anything but she can tell something is up and ends up dragging it out of me.

[lauren_helene]

Well my initial reaction, without having been in the room, is that the situation didn't seem to warrant asking you to leave.

Is he one of those T's that only likes the positive reactions? Has he never been in that situation before?

Once a long time ago, I raised my voice and said something sarcastic to T (it was over extra sessions/insurance) and he said "almeda, I don't want to be unkind to you".

Stopped me in my tracks...I can't even describe the guilt I felt over that one later on. I sent an apology and then said so at the next session. His response?

I know that what you said is due to what happens in the room and not about me. Why can't your T say the same??

Mostly... thru the 23 years of therapy... have been respectful of my therapists... meaning.. no name calling.. no yelling... no violent behavior.. no swearing.. no raising of voice...

always working at getting to a common understanding...

I do... think... that a Therapist that chooses.. to work with a DIDer... that is on a very severe end... and with a person that has had horrific abuse in their life... and one that has.. an eating disorder.. and a chronic illness like fibrom.. with pain... and a patient that is withdrawing from her medicines with painful w/d sypthoms...

well... perhaps some flexiblity could be allowed... or... some...little... bit of recognition.... that once.. in 16 months... one might say... "full of crap"....

haven't called my T a "jerk"... lol.. have thought.. "putz" to myself... and outside of therapy... but haven't said it.. in session...

so... looking at how I describe.. myself.. have to think... whether I want to work with any T...

perhaps my problems... are "just to big"... for any therapist to take on... and

perhaps... there is a great deal going on in my life.. with being so physically ill...

and.. well... really.... a very good time for a break from therapy...

ya know???

[Kiya]

=( ((((((((((free))))))))) can u find a DID specialist?

[sunrise]

That's a really interesting question, freewill. My T has told me it is OK for me to get angry at him and I have a couple of times. He handled it wonderfully. I have not sweared at him, but we have used swear words in each other's presence. I haven't called him names but I did tell him once he was clueless. I have raised my voice, but not at him.

There are two things I can think of that he set boundaries about. One was not to put words in his mouth. Because one time I told him what he thought/said and he denied it and I immediately saw I was in the wrong, and apologized. Another time, he felt I had gone behind his back to complain about him to someone else and he told me that if I had a problem with him, I needed to come straight to him and tell him. Well, I never even did this so as we talked we clarified what really happened, but I did learn from that not to do what he had thought I did. So these are the two boundary things so far that I have discovered.

[Kiya]

free - maybe print out the thread and take it to t- see what he thinks and then he can circle those things he identifies with so you have it right there... like a hard copy.

[MissCharlotte]

My T does not set limits on behavior. I have asked him if I can be mad at him and if I can hate him. I have cursed him out on the phone while in the midst of a huge transference. Hmmm, well I try to behave the way that I would want to be treated in person. So, if I cursed him out in person and then he got angry I suppose I would deserve it because I wouldn't want him to treat me that way.

[lauren_helene]

Freewill, come to think of it send your T a copy of Rachel Reiland's "get me out of here"...half of the book is her cursing at her T...giggle

[Perna]

I think it would have to be an overall attitude, not a one-time thing for me. My T has asked is there "any point" in our continuing with a session. I think if I wasn't trying to do therapy, was dug in about something and couldn't or wouldn't shift my mindset/attitude then she'd not want to continue. I think a DID alter(s) who was in the way like that would be similar. I would do whatever I could to make sure someone who was interested in using the therapy session in a positive way came out instead of those in charge of protection or who had a chip on their shoulder and were just arguing.

T's don't generally say things just for their health :-) and even if we have heard things before or don't agree with what they've said I know I'm always too quick to reject things at first, sure they won't work or that they're not for me, just because I don't "like" an idea and often I'm the one who hasn't ever tried it or hasn't thought of it in this context, etc. Something suggested has probably worked for other people like me or for other people in situations like mine or it wouldn't be suggested. Like any other gift from someone, "thank you" and then doing whatever with the information or thinking about it later, etc. is not a bad habit to get into. T's cant make us do anything, can't make us want to come or move things along if we refuse. It's our therapy and we have to take the raw material our T gives us and make something with it. Throwing the egg at the T instead of making pancakes with it. . .

[pachyderm]

Yes, Free, sometimes therapists can be less than helpful, especially when their help and understanding is MOST needed!

We have a 'rule' in therapy which is-- you can say anything, but you can't necessarily do it.

This rules comes into play when I say to my T, "You are a %#@&#! piece of %#@&#! therapist and I want to throw this book at you."

(Yes, I have said that to him).

So it's fine to say it, it's not fine to throw the book at him.

My T encourages the most free expression of emotion possible. I have called him some terrible things. Consequently, I have also let him know of the loving feelings I have towards him. There is never a limit on words or emotions in my sessions.

I believe strongly in this method and encourage the same thing with my own patients. It was funny when I was interning at the hospital, I would have patients come into my group and they would be all angry and cursing and then say, "Oh the nurses said I shouldn't be cursing like this..." and I would always said, "Oh, stop... don't worry-- you can curse in my group." I hate when people put filters on someone's flow of expression, particularly in that environment.

[Brian37]

Mostly... thru the 23 years of therapy

whoa!

is that correct?

23 years?

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Riptide said:

T's are supposed to decide about working with you. If they can't accept behavior that might come with your disorder or the transferance they should not be working with you. For example, some T's will not work with people with anti-social personality disorder because they can get violent in session and throw things.

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Sure, boundaries are important. Some people have the misconcpetion that anything goes in therapy. Violent behavior in the therapy room is not acceptable, whether it is part of the disorder or not. I've worked with plenty of violent people in the hospital-- and boundaries are set to let the patient know that I don't give a %#@&#! if punching the wall is part of the disorder or not-- it's not going to happen in this session. There are so many other things that can be done in place of that action. Therapy is not accomplished by acting out.

Freewill,
I think that Ts shouldn't have to take abusive behavior that has crossed their boundaries, and every T has a different threshold. Of course, Ts need to realize that "abusive" language can be transference and an excellent opportunity to get to the root of problems.

Ts should make that clear at the beginning or let you know after you cross a boundary. It's a good opportunity to teach you how to express yourself in an appropriate manner.

I emailed my T some angry messages that were quite vindictive, which is really not like me at all. I was going through a difficult time and he was triggering me all over the place. He solved it by telling me that he was no longer reading my emails. I think he would have been more aggressive if I had been doing it in session.

After.. todays sesssion... I have decided therapist and I are no longer "matching".....

as a DIDer.... I cannot guarentee... how an alter would be first time.. cause.. sometimes they just "pop" out... and whoaa.. they are there for the first time.. meeting the T...

after... discussing with T.... I decided I couldn't... work with a therapist.. that knows I am DID... and cannot accept.. a "you are full of crap"... in.. a non-yelling... form... in 16 months by a alter that was new to therapy.. and him...

so... yes... he can set boundaries... but... it was too fast... to abrupt..

and... trust is gone...

and I am sad.. but that is what life.. is... reality.. check..

(((((((((freewill)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( freewill ))))))))))))))

[recluse1]

(((((((((freewill))))))))) sorry to hear of this struggle with T.
Your friends are always here for you though. Never forget we love you!

recluse1

[april15]

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pinksoil said:
Therapy is not accomplished by acting out.

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I agree with this, but I also see cursing out a T as acting out.