my T is making my life miserable

and i don't know if its time to find a new one....

or time to really look at myself and not focus on her anymore.

i'm always hurt and disappointed. she's always fed up and defensive. T, what's going on with us

Sounds very painful, you deserve so much better than that
(((((((((((( krazibean )))))))))))))

Are you absolutely sure she is "always fed up and defensive?" If she has agreed this is her sentiment, then yes, it's time to find a stable T. If it's only your assessment, then she needs to help you realize how she is really being when she tries to help you.

she's admitted to being frustrated with me during this blowout we're having. she said she's only human and she gets frustrated with lots of people. she's admitted to feeling like she needs to defend herself a lot to me because i'm critical of her and i'm always disappointed in her. should i stay with this t?

yes krazibean, based on what you just said - yes. Learning to be ok with yourself when others are frustrated is an important lesson, and a bigger one is to learn that people can be frustrated with you and not abandon you or stop caring. My T says " the foundation hasn't changed." You can use the tension, gently, to learn why you try to push her away, knowingly or not, through being critical. It's not wrong on your part.. it's what you know.

From what you described this sounds more like a chance for a powerful change for you, more than a time to switch to another T. If you could be certain right down to your little toe that she cared and would never leave you... no matter what... how would you talk to her about this?

The critical stuff... examine it.. take it apart.. ask if it is really about her, or about you, or about something else entirely. When i am stressed I will focus on a small thing instead of grasping the larger problem. Enough of that can lead a T astray. We've done it.. several times, because I am so convincing in my rambling about whatever i think T is wrong about. So, if you had to ask yourself where this might be coming from, what does your gut tell you?

being unbalanced with T is awful.. i HATE that.. but for myself i know i often learn a lot then too

I feel your pain.

Same problem I have

T's suck

huh - i thought t was frustrated with me one night - when i told her she said that she does not get frustrated and that we are simply learning to communicate from different styles. good luck with that - maybe you'll work it out, or maybe you can find a t that works with you better. but i liked the idea of you focusing on you instead of her....

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
krazibean said:
i'm always hurt and disappointed.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Do you know why? Are you wanting something she is unable to give? I discovered through therapy that I didn't know how to tell people what I needed or to ask for it. Sometimes now, I can tell T what I need. And he can usually provide it (I don't ask for much). But I'm thinking how painful indeed it would be if I told him what I needed and he wouldn't provide it. Is that at all like what is going on with you? Do you ever talk with T about why you are disappointed and hurt?

I like the part about your focusing on you instead of on your T.

Krazibean, try and stick it out. Work through the relationship. Out of session, people will often tell us they are frustrated with us.

This is your chance to work through it and feel okay. Easier said than done I know...hang in there

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
krazibean said:
she's admitted to feeling like she needs to defend herself a lot to me because i'm critical of her and i'm always disappointed in her

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
If that's true, that you're always disappointed in her and critical; there isn't any other way she can be? I would try to concentrate on yourself and what you are doing/feeling rather than on her words and feelings. Take her words and feelings as clues to yourself (if she gets defensive, for example, look at what you just said and see if you can understand why someone would see it as an attack). Look to see what you can get out of everything she says/does, positive and negative, instead of what she is doing at all. Be selfish in your therapy and make it entirely about you! :-)

(Krazibean)

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. i have had several conflicts with T that were extremely difficult and even felt like they were "relationship enders." However, these ruptures turned out to be the source of tremendous growth and personal insight for me.

I urge you to try and stick it out. Try and talk through the problems with T OR agree to put them aside.

I remember once when T and I were fighting and I walked into session and said, "I just need to experience us right now, here, in this room." It was one of the best sessions I have had.

I know it's hard to withstand the bad feelings but you don't have to "give in" and you don't have to quit. You can keep going even if you two don't agree on every single issue.

Peace

I have to agree with Miss C.....my therapy relationship grew in leaps and bounds during times when we've had ruptures. In fact, I would say the ruptures are what created the safe, trusting environment that I have with T now.

It sure sucked while they were happening, though. But working through them and then finding resolution was always a HUGE growth experience for me.

I also agree. Working through miscommunications, help me see that my T was consistently acting with good intentions. The results may not have been positive, but at least the intent was to be helpful.