[serafim_etal]

Long story as short as possible...

After 4 long years of part-time then full-time college coursework, I am graduating with an AA in 3 1/2 weeks. I am transferring as a junior to a 4 year university in the fall. This is huge for me...a major accomplishment that would not have been possible without my T's support and encouragement. Soo...my parents are flying from New York to be at my graduation...this is not a happy thing. I did not ask them to come, however, I also did not ask/tell them not to come. My T is not coming. Specifically because my parents ARE. She said she would like to be there but has to set that boundary for herself (not being in any proximity to my parents). I understand this...I am in therapy because of childhood trauma and my parents were the primary abusers. I would never expect my T to be around them unless it was a planned confrontation in her office, or something along those lines. However...understanding aside, the disappointment is huge. I go from being angry that my parents are coming to celebrate with me (THATS a hugely weird feeling) to being extremely sad that T is not. More often the sad, but that anger shows up occasionally.

I'm not really sure what I am looking for here...just acknowledgment/reassurance that it's ok and normal to have both these feelings? I am definitely not looking for any slams on my T...which I got at another forum. She's not doing anything out of line here, and I get that...it just hurts a lot and I need to work through that.

[pachyderm]

I think it is OK to have both feelings. In the course of time probably the feelings will even out more. You will still have your T.

[Perna]

I think it will turn out okay with time since your parents have to be a constant in your life and your T is a T, doing a job helping you, alongside your life.

I found that as I got older there were lots of overlapping feelings around my parents and feeling and reconciling them in therapy was a big help in making me feel more whole. I hope you get to feeling better as a result of this experience, serafimetal.

Maybe you'll win an award at university T can come to the ceremony for or you can dedicate the first book you write to her or something :-)

[lauren_helene]

Would your T go if your parents didn't or would she need to set the boundary for herself in either circumstance?

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((serafimetal)))))))))))
It is definately normal to have both emotions you are feeling.
I hope graduation goes well for you.

Um. I hope that you have strong boundaries with your parents if they were your abusers.

If not, your celebration will suck.

As for T, it only makes sense. She is supportative of you, but if what you say is true about your parents, why would she want to be in an atmosphere with them when they have hurt you in the past. I agree with her. She is also protecting herself. She is smart.

[sunrise]

serafimetal, I wonder if you can find another way to share your graduation with your T? Could you show her pictures of you and the ceremony? Pics of you in your cap and gown, marching in with the other grads, pics of you getting the diploma--so she can relive it with you as you tell her the story of your graduation?

Just want to add, congratulations on your degree and good luck in the future as you go further in your education. Quite an accomplishment!

[serafim_etal]

I hope the feelings do even out more. Or just plane become more managable! Anger is new for me...not too sure I like it.

[serafim_etal]

Perna
Fortunately my parents live just about as far away from me as they can and still be in the same country...a constant, but a distant constant! I really don't like the feelings issue...it's taken 6 1/2 years to recognize and acknowledge anger at all...still have trouble with it. Getting older is a part of that I think...along with working with T of course. I'm a "non-traditional" college student...meaning I'm much older than the average student...I'm 39 now, although I often feel about 8! I know this is a growing chance/experience...but it definitely doesn't feel very good.

[serafim_etal]

Alameda
I honestly don't know. She directly said the boundary was regarding my parents, not me...but I haven't asked her if she would be there if they didn't come. It doesn't really matter though because they are coming.

[serafim_etal]

Gimmeice
I think the graduation will go well regardless of who is there or not there. Either way it's really more for me than for others, I just have to remind myself of that occasionally.

[serafim_etal]

Riptide

I actually have ridgid boundaries...this is part of why I am a little surprised to be having any kind of feelings at all about someone else setting a boundary! In 6 1/2 years my T has never had to "correct" or set any boundaries with me because she's actually been trying to relax mine a little! Their visits usually suck...although my relationship with my father has improved a lot. My mother seems worse than ever to me though. Anyways...they will only be here 4 days and two of those days I have finals and a t appointment. Then the day of the graduation I will be busy for more than half the day. And I have my partner as a constant (and very adept) buffer. Plus T makes herself available by phone at any hour when my parents come to town...never have called her "after hours", but the option is available during these times.

As for my T...like I said, I would never expect her to be around my parents unless it was a planned thing, in her office (which she has offered before when mother was in town). I absolutely agree with T on this...I just wish it wasn't this way and have some feelings about it.

[serafim_etal]

Sunrise

Actually, when she told me she wasn't coming, she said it was important and we would celebrate together somehow...so *if* I can get partner to actually use the digital camera instead of hold it and never turn it on...then, yeah, I can share with her in that way...although I really HATE pictures of myself!

Tanks for the congrats!