so tomorrow we start past work again. we had started briefly back in the fall, but we were interrupted by other life events. My life was utter chaos for so long. Now i dont understand where i am anymore

for one.. i dont comprehend the lack of chaos. i was in survival mode for so very long. i often feel emotionally/mentally disoriented because "normal" doesn't make sense to me.

second.. i am on my own in ways that i had not been for the past 11 yrs. Everything feels new and weird and scary. i dont have a lot of the internal skills which make this sort of coping and problem solving work right. i have intense fears of impending doom. Face it, doom hung over my head constantly for several years. i walked on top of a LOT of eggshells.

something weird is happening though and i am not sure what it means... i am definitely stronger than i was, no two ways about it. i am more self contained as well. i do a lot of things differently, and mostly in healthier ways. So that part is all good. T will be happy about the big changes for sure - if i tell him that is (i have a bad habit of keeping him in the dark a lot.. power trip maybe). The bad part is that in order to be stronger, i needed to pull back and shore up walls. i feel like in many ways i reverted.

now that is not to say i haven't progressed or therapy succeeded... not at all, there are major differences. BUT.. there is a lot of the underlying stuff which has reverted to the secluded hidden mess it was before. We couldn't get to the deeper causes while i was still open and vulnerable... now i dont know that we can.

it's not like i dont want to... or that i feel like blocking him out.. i dont feel like this is something i am consciously doing.. dont feel like i am in control of this. When i used to think about past trauma i could connect with the pain, the feelings and thoughts... now it's back to being like a grocery list. It's a yeah yeah yeah pain trauma whatever thing. i think about things which i know hurt.. in here someplace it hurts... but it went away someplace, or i did.

the med issues have continued... affecting my moods and i have been struggling with hypomania off and on. That is a big thing.. the hypomania and lesser states sometimes have an artificial feel to them. i am certain i am not real people. Pain, hurt, eveyrthing.. it all rolls off me like water... very little sticks. Lose a friend? whatever... Risk of financial collapse? who cares... And of course.. this is along with the spending, impulsiveness, etc etc etc. It's better than depression, but still...

and as i have gained contol over certain things, i have lost all semblance of control elsewhere. i think about Pink's cutting... how it escalated as she got better in other ways. (and Pink, dear heart I Love you so) For me i wonder what my other issues are about now... let me put it this way, food is hard. No one expects that a person with weight to lose would have the food issues that i do. They dont understand that i had these problems before a tumor caused me to gain over 100lbs. Any idea what that does to the pschye of someone with ED issues? Tragic. Over 50lbs gone and i struggle to balance the need to get the rest off and terrible ED problems.

i'm ok... i mean i feel ok, which is part of the point.. i never feel anything but this semi-artificial ok-ness now. It does feel quite real.

i cant tell if i am stronger? detached? disconnected? good or bad?

i don't know that there is much point to going to therapy tomorrow...

[pachyderm]

[Kiya]

"i don't know that there is much point to going to therapy tomorrow... "

((((FLUFF)))) I'm with ya. i have no answers, but just to say i'm here with you what ever you do.

kiya

[chaotic13]

(((Jello))) A pharmacologically induced numbness. Doesn't sound fun. Does it help at all to focus on the improvements you have made and just take the rest day by day. This is really hard for me to personally do, but I really think I have to keep trying. I get so focused on pushing through the next boundary. Not sure why, but the minute the pressure seems to let up a bit, I get fearful that I am wasting time and not moving forward. I haven't get grasped the concept of just "being" who I currently am for a little while. Who has set the agenda for tomorrow's--work on past trauma session? Can you work on dealing with your numbness and hyomania before getting back into your past. Maybe this is necessary work to lift the your current state. I haven't yet grasped what "dealing with past trauma" actually is in my own therapy, so I really don't know.

I get what you are saying about the ED issue. ED and a persons actual weight are two totally different things. Until I but a bunch of weight on myself, I really had no appreciation for how stressful and complicated being obese can be. Luckily for me, I have no major health problems that interfere with getting this back under control.

((((((((((((((((((( fluff))))))))))))))))))

I hear you on the ED stuff. My ED has flared up big time since being in therapy (how ironic). I suspect it's a way of keeping me busy and distracted from my thoughts and especially my feelings. Like, if I feel really hungry, and it hurts, then I don't have to feel ANYTHING ELSE. When I get more "normal" with my eating, I feel more feelings. Which, technically, is what I'm supposed to want - the whole reason I started therapy was because I was tired of going through life sort of half-alive. But, oooooh, feelings can be big and scary!

I think there is ALWAYS a point in going to T. If for no other reason than to maintain the connection. As soon as I start feeling disconnected from T, I want to shut down with him....so I tell myself I'm going to just go, and be in the safety of his office and his presence, and just talk about the weather for an hour if that's all I can do (and yes, I've had a couple of sessions that were that boring! lol)

I'm glad you posted about how you're feeling.

thanks..

it ws my idea to go into the past work again.. we were just talking about where we could go next.. and last time that we tried a double session i found i was terribly inimidated by the amount of time... but i really wanted the double again, for a second try because everything worthwhile seems to take an hour to get to... after a year i am still not able to just "get into it" quickly.

i dunno... maybe T can help me through the longer session ok..