teflon

In retrospect, I'm not reacting well to what T said last session about how I should be teflon and let things my H says slide off of me. That feels like moving backward to me. I have fought hard against childhood patterns of retreating inside walls I built and too many years of shielding myself from pain in a marriage. I have fought hard against not feeling so that I could feel. It seemed like this was growth to me, moving forward, becoming more accessible, more human.

And now T says he wants me to be teflon. That feels like hiding behind the walls when I was a child. And refusing to set boundaries and admit I was hurt by others' actions.

Why do I even go to therapy if T is going to tell me stuff like that? How can that be therapeutic? I don't want to go behind walls again. I am very confused. Has he given up on me?

Sunny,

It doesn't feel like T is giving up on you at all. Maybe T is trying to help you disengage when the conflict threatens to overwhelm? If you can be "teflon" then nothing will stick. The negativity of your H can stay where it belongs--in his lap--and not yours. You wlll no longer absorb his crap by disengaging and moving forward with Sunny's agenda.

It feels to me, like T is really in your corner, giving you good advice and helping you overcome these past problems and achieve your goal of moving forward.

Stay the course!!



Peace

Sunny,

It doesn't feel like T is giving up on you at all. Maybe T is trying to help you disengage when the conflict threatens to overwhelm? If you can be "teflon" then nothing will stick. The negativity of your H can stay where it belongs--in his lap--and not yours. You wlll no longer absorb his crap by disengaging and moving forward with Sunny's agenda.

It feels to me, like T is really in your corner, giving you good advice and helping you overcome these past problems and achieve your goal of moving forward.

Stay the course!!



Peace

Sunny,

It doesn't feel like T is giving up on you at all. Maybe T is trying to help you disengage when the conflict threatens to overwhelm? If you can be "teflon" then nothing will stick. The negativity of your H can stay where it belongs--in his lap--and not yours. You wlll no longer absorb his crap by disengaging and moving forward with Sunny's agenda.

It feels to me, like T is really in your corner, giving you good advice and helping you overcome these past problems and achieve your goal of moving forward.

Stay the course!!



Peace

Sunny,

It doesn't feel like T is giving up on you at all. Maybe T is trying to help you disengage when the conflict threatens to overwhelm? If you can be "teflon" then nothing will stick. The negativity of your H can stay where it belongs--in his lap--and not yours. You wlll no longer absorb his crap by disengaging and moving forward with Sunny's agenda.

It feels to me, like T is really in your corner, giving you good advice and helping you overcome these past problems and achieve your goal of moving forward.

Stay the course!!



Peace

Sunny,

It doesn't feel like T is giving up on you at all. Maybe T is trying to help you disengage when the conflict threatens to overwhelm? If you can be "teflon" then nothing will stick. The negativity of your H can stay where it belongs--in his lap--and not yours. You wlll no longer absorb his crap by disengaging and moving forward with Sunny's agenda.

It feels to me, like T is really in your corner, giving you good advice and helping you overcome these past problems and achieve your goal of moving forward.

Stay the course!!



Peace

Sunny,

It doesn't feel like T is giving up on you at all. Maybe T is trying to help you disengage when the conflict threatens to overwhelm? If you can be "teflon" then nothing will stick. The negativity of your H can stay where it belongs--in his lap--and not yours. You wlll no longer absorb his crap by disengaging and moving forward with Sunny's agenda.

It feels to me, like T is really in your corner, giving you good advice and helping you overcome these past problems and achieve your goal of moving forward.

Stay the course!!



Peace

Sunny,

It doesn't feel like T is giving up on you at all. Maybe T is trying to help you disengage when the conflict threatens to overwhelm? If you can be "teflon" then nothing will stick. The negativity of your H can stay where it belongs--in his lap--and not yours. You wlll no longer absorb his crap by disengaging and moving forward with Sunny's agenda.

It feels to me, like T is really in your corner, giving you good advice and helping you overcome these past problems and achieve your goal of moving forward.

Stay the course!!



Peace

Sunny,

It doesn't feel like T is giving up on you at all. Maybe T is trying to help you disengage when the conflict threatens to overwhelm? If you can be "teflon" then nothing will stick. The negativity of your H can stay where it belongs--in his lap--and not yours. You wlll no longer absorb his crap by disengaging and moving forward with Sunny's agenda.

It feels to me, like T is really in your corner, giving you good advice and helping you overcome these past problems and achieve your goal of moving forward.

Stay the course!!



Peace

Urk. Something seems to have happened with MissCharlotte's post!

To the original question: MissCharlotte could be right -- and could be wrong, IMO. Sunrise, you have to assess exactly what he meant by being teflon -- whether to try to increase your ability to cope with the attempted slights by others, or whether he meant you need to become unaware again. Maybe the T needs to clarify?

Miss C's repeats are giving me therapy flashbacks--same message over and over again...LOL

Sunrise,
This is a tough concept for me to grasp at this point too. One minute you are told to open up, let people know you have feelings... bah...bah..bah..Then you also get the Teflon speech. I struggle with what face to show when. Maybe your T see that you have worked hard to open yourself up to others, share your feelings, and express yourself. However, you are still leaving yourself vulnerable to toxic people in your world like your husband. He has not demonstrated that he deserves to affect you deeply and you simply have to draw the line and keep him out.

I think you can be receptive to things he says but not vulnerable to them. "I hear that you are frustrated/upset/lonely. I'm sorry you are feeling that way I hope you can fix it, but your feelings are no longer my responsibility to fix."

Maybe he is suggesting that you construct some... semi-permeable barriers. Some people can flow freely into your inner world as you want or need them too (osmosis), others require an invitation (active transport) and some are simply not permitted to pass beyond cordial conversation .

yeah the repetitive speaches i get are "call me when you are in a bad spot" then she can't actually do anything and it is pointless to call "just want you to know i'm here". great what does this do for me? or the other pair... "I really want you to stop c*tting, let's find other things you can do." then while in the middle of panic attacks and flashbacks she tells me "cope the best way you can" (we all know what is my "best way").

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
Why do I even go to therapy if T is going to tell me stuff like that? How can that be therapeutic? I don't want to go behind walls again. I am very confused. Has he given up on me?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Walls are different than teflon... walls you can't see thru and they're big. ya can't get in or out past them. teflon is a coating over something small so things don't stick but you still get things cooked (needs met). it does sound confusing at first, sunny, but perhaps it is just the translation that we can play with. I agree, you must set and keep clear boundaries. you must say what is yours to say. but don't let your h's insults "stick " to you, eating you up or causing you lasting pain. let them slide right off.... easier said than done, i know all too well. but perhaps that is where your t is directing you? hope you're ok!!

(( sunny ))

"teflon" is an interesting way to put it and I'm sure he'll expand on that.

It reminds me of when my son's T asked him if he would like to be able to feel like he had a force shield (he was a teen) around him to keep other's hurtful words from hurting him. A way of having relief from the verbal barbs.

Even when we can recognize that what the other person is saying is about them, not about us, it still can be very hurtful. I think your T doesn't want you to not feel, I think he wants you to be free to feel... Free to feel what you feel without any influence from an abusing narcissist projecting his stuff. I think the teflon idea is that the stuff he throws your way won't stick, so you won't hurt

You all make so much sense. Thank you.

MissCharlotte, thanks for bumping up the post count in this thread. Now people will think it's interesting or something.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
One minute you are told to open up, let people know you have feelings... bah...bah..bah..Then you also get the Teflon speech.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, chaotic13, that is exactly how I felt.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sunrise, you have to assess exactly what he meant by being teflon -- whether to try to increase your ability to cope with the attempted slights by others, or whether he meant you need to become unaware again. Maybe the T needs to clarify?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Pachyderm, when you put it that way, I know that my T would not want me to become unaware. He is not in favor of that at all. Thanks for reframing that for me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think your T doesn't want you to not feel, I think he wants you to be free to feel... Free to feel what you feel without any influence from an abusing narcissist projecting his stuff. I think the teflon idea is that the stuff he throws your way won't stick, so you won't hurt

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think that is it, ECHOES. And others who responded in similar ways. I think you all can see this much more clearly than I.