[Mouse_]

I had a session with T last week where talked about breaks. She happened to mention that I've always come to sessions and how some after a break don't show up. To T this was a general throw-away remark, but to me it took on a huge meaning. I suddenly felt very needy for never having missed a session.

We talked about this and on the next session I asked her why do I not miss a session and some do? She said well, theres plenty of reasons, perhaps its more scary for you to miss a session then to come? and perhaps you are more determined? and perhaps you have a greater survial instinct? I answered yes to all these reasons. She said its not a negative to not forget therapy after a break, it shows you area ble to "hold" onto it.

I also told her that I have to think of her as a mother and read by some one who declares themselves as recovered from BPD that a therapist isn't a mother and can never be, and I asked T if my thinking of her as a mother is wrong? She said that I percieve her as sometimes the Good mother and sometimes the bad mother and as long as I know she Isn't my mother then its fine to percieve in that way because thats how my issues will be worked through. I said I know your not my mother, but I do tend to think how it would have been to have had a good enought mother and then put you into that catogary when I need someone to fall back on in my mind. T said, yes and thats fine, because I am proberbly having my first experience of a good enought mother now. I thought the person who wrote the essay was being rather harsh and felt myself distancing my self from the hard b/w facts of what therapy is and isn't and realised that the ablity to just relax into my recovery is an important part of recovery.

[sunrise]

Mouse, I think it is a positive that you don't miss sessions after your T returns from vacation. It shows your level of commitment to therapy and getting better. I have heard that some clients react to their therapist's being away in a kind of retaliatory way by missing a session. It is an acting out of their feelings of being upset that their T went away ("I'll show you!"). You, on the other hand, seem able to discuss your feelings about your T going away face to face with your T, which is great! Because you do this, maybe you don't need to act out. Good for you. I think you are reacting in a mature, healthy way, and demonstrating good communication skills.

I also agree with what you wrote about the good enough mother and casting your T in that role. Sometimes those articles aren't the be all end all.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
the ablity to just relax into my recovery is an important part of recovery

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think it's kind of the same for me. I have relaxed into my therapeutic relationship with my T, despite knowing that one day it will end, that it is a paid relationship, that he has many other clients, that he goes home after his day and has his own very fulfilling and enriching life filled with family and friends. None of these things matter to me. This is my relationship with him, I know it is real but accept its limitations, and I am using it to heal.

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
. . . realised that the ablity to just relax into my recovery is an important part of recovery.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I'm so glad you wrote this. I forget sometimes how important it is to me to store up new "good" memories of relaxation and things working as well as to "struggle" with what I'm working on. I remember when it was all struggle and it was hard to soothe myself except to point out to myself that I'd never lied to myself before and I was "now" saying, "It will be all right, keep working" but knowing there are rest periods up ahead and/or the rhythm of things and pointing them out to myself is much more comforting now.

[Mouse_]

Something else that we talked about in that session. I asked her what's the longest time she's seen someone? She said, about 13 - 14 yrs, but your no where near that. She said, it all depends where you want to go with therapy, because there's always something that can be worked on, but some people see say 20yrs as a negative and others see it as a positive.

I felt that she wasn't sure how I felt about that and the next session I made my case clear and said, I dont see being in therapy 20yrs a negative, and I would love to take my recovery "all-the-way", and physically I could come here till the day I die, but financially I don't know how long I can do it for. Then I explained about me only working part time and my husbands wage being the main one and how I feel awkard about the lenght of therapy although my husband has never said a word about it, but 20yrs say isn't something I am running from.

T said so would it help you if we were to say we could still be sitting here in 20yrs? I said proberbly and I noticed today when I was talking about the breaks she mentioned that even in 20yrs time say, I'd still feel upset at breaks because we do see each other twice weekly and it is a close relationship because of that fact.

[Perna]

Yes. I had already seen my T for 9 years straight when I saw her the second time so I knew in the back of my head we could be seeing each other a long time again. That was very useful to me when I'd get frightened, I could remind myself "we're not terminating now, it's not the end, keep working".

Even when we were terminating, we did with a year and a half window. That sped a lot of things up that probably should have been sped up all along :-) but I don't see how they could have been without that termination deadline being explicit and that has problems of its own as you can imagine. But the pressure to work in the remaining time was very helpful to me, I didn't get bored ever or think a session was wasted, etc. I was more focused.

I ended up taking a full-time job to pay for therapy. But I didn't have any children to worry about like you do. My husband was consulting also at first and my full-time job provided our health insurance (also not a problem for you?) and I had a retirement plan I could contribute to, etc. so my working full time helped me some, made me feel like I was contributing and not just making enough take-home to pay my T bills (there was very little extra left over beyond paying T). But I looked at it too, as subtracting some of the drain on my husband's income, paying for "myself"/my "hobby" LOL.

What was really nice about T for so long and working was, since it was only paying for T, when I finally terminated, I could also quit working :-) I worked a month or two after I terminated to get some "extra" money for the household (we were moving so had some extra expenses) and to help me with some of the feelings from termination (I was only working part-time at the end), help me with feelings of continuation and familiarity so I wasn't terminated too many things at first like I had the first time we stopped therapy after the first 9 years. That time I moved, my job moved and changed (our company had been bought and there was lots of turmoil), I quit therapy, left all my friends (moved too far away) and only had my boyfriend/now husband as my support. It was not a pretty experience for 3-4 years. But I learned from that and didn't quit things all at once and planned a European vacation to look forward to after termination, etc. I created ties to a "future" life which I called "bridges."

[ECHOES]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[i]Mouse said:
I also told her that I have to think of her as a mother and read by some one who declares themselves as recovered from BPD that a therapist isn't a mother and can never be, and I asked T if my thinking of her as a mother is wrong? She said that I percieve her as sometimes the Good mother and sometimes the bad mother and as long as I know she Isn't my mother then its fine to percieve in that way because thats how my issues will be worked through. I said I know your not my mother, but I do tend to think how it would have been to have had a good enought mother and then put you into that catogary when I need someone to fall back on in my mind. T said, yes and thats fine, because I am proberbly having my first experience of a good enought mother now. I thought the person who wrote the essay was being rather harsh and felt myself distancing my self from the hard b/w facts of what therapy is and isn't and realised that the ablity to just relax into my recovery is an important part of recovery.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Mouse I can't thank you enough for sharing this. Earlier today I was going to post about how I am stuck on this, and wondering if I should be or if I'm interfering in my own recovery by thinking of T as a mother. I decided to not post about it because I wanted to journal about it and talk to T about it next time.

It's a wonderful thought, sitting with T in 20 years.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Mouse,

Nice to hear from you!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
She happened to mention that I've always come to sessions and how some after a break don't show up.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I had a similar conversation with T about the session just before a break. He said he gave me credit for showing up and trying to deal with it, as he usually has so many cancellations then.

[Mouse_]

Echoes, Yes T said I can use her as an "as if" mother.

Perna, I couldnt go full time, well I could so I guess its a that I won't, I work in a supermarket and just about manage to get through the 20hrs I do do with all the pressure of having to deal with so many people. I'm 46 now and haven't got the "want" to re-train, plus P/T and running a home is enought, but what I have thought is, if eventually when I have worked some more in therapy, perhaps I could cut back to 1xwk and that way remain in therapy, well thats the way I'm reasoning with myself LOL!

MC, I just couldnt imagine cancelling, I recken theres more chance of me going for a walk nakey then missing a session LOL!!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I had a session with T last week where talked about breaks. She happened to mention that I've always come to sessions and how some after a break don't show up. To T this was a general throw-away remark, but to me it took on a huge meaning. I suddenly felt very needy for never having missed a session.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Mouse,
I'm totally with you on this one. One time T and I had a really rough session. The next session he said that he was glad that I had the courage to come, that he thought I might not. I was thinking, this guy has no idea! Sometimes when I am angry I think about doing it, but never, ever could carry through. I also feel so needy and hate it. Hopefully, this will wane as time goes on for both of us. Take care

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I recken theres more chance of me going for a walk nakey then missing a session LOL!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah I hear ya Mouse!

ROFLMAO

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((mouse))))))))))))))
i always read your posts - I just often don't know what to say - they are so deep and introspective. I learn alot from them.

[Lemon]

I learn a lot from you and your experiences Mouse. And your T is amazing!