[purplebutterfly]

I pulled into the parking lot of my Pdoc and burst into tears. I sat in my car for a while, deciding whether or not to go in, I had my paper in my hand reading-Please Help Me!!! I want to stay. Help Me!!-I read this over and over again,hands trembling I reached for my blade-put it to my skin, and cut, hoping the pain would leave, then my door opens-it is my partner, she took the blade away from me and helped me to the front door of my Pdoc. How did she know, all these things going through my mind, as I am trembling with fear and pain.All I told her was that I was going to see the Pdoc,how did she know. I fell apart literally at my Pdoc's office, both my Pdoc and partner decided that it was best that I go in for a bit. She made the call and over we went, I really wanted to just escape and bury myself in black hole, where I deserved to be. The pain, the fear, the cutting has taken over me, if you have ever been rock bottom, you know what I mean, there was no other escape for me, I was bleeding pain from the inside, no one could help me, I could not help myself. The medications were not working. My life had one way and one way only-destruction and day by day I was destructing. So I did what the intake nurse told me to, gave my belongings except what my partner had packed for me-clothes-no earrings, no rings, no cell phone, no pens, no nothing and a big one for me-no razors, or knives. I felt like I was stripped of everything, my last short stay I told myself I was never coming back here-and here I am again. The bloodwork, the new meds, the therapy, the cold rooms, the smell of coldness. The white sheets, the nurses coming in every few minutes to make sure I am okay, just leave me alone I said -but all they said was we have to do this, yea whatever, you took my razors and knives and pens away-there is nothing in here to try to hurt myself with. The medication changes were hell, the therapy-i hated it, they make me breakdown everytime i see them. Every time I say I am not going to be weak, but they break down my wall, they get to me. I hate them. I am okay just leave me alone, let me just sleep, leave me alone I would say. As the days went by I started to heal a bit, not healed by any means, but slowly I am trying- new meds and therapy are helping little by little-the want to cut is still there, not sure if it will ever go away-the pain, well for now I still feel it, maybe one day I can let it all go. Maybe one day I can say I am happy for now I will just say I am okay, some days I am better than others, the days when I say I am okay, I am hurting, I hurt everyday, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to do much of anything, but I have to keep going. I'm not going to say I will never go back to the hospital-it did help stablize me for now, and now I know that when I get back to that bad place, I now know that either I go further down or I get help. Both are hard. I hope everyone understands that this is not easy for me, and as I sit here typing this I am in tears, tears of hurt, tears of pain. I feel ashamed about all of this, but I can not change what has happened- I am a cutter I am bipolar I have BPD I have anxiety I was abused I was raped I am hurting but I have to make it. Life has dealt me a really bad hand, I just have to continue to play that hand.

[BrnEyedGrl]

I think it takes tremendous courage to do what you did and then type your story for all of us to see. What a hard road you have been down. I cannot imagine but I could feel your pain for a minute while reading what you wrote.
It sounds like you have a wonderful partner, willing to help, and that's wonderful. Im glad you got the help you needed and I pray that you will continue feeling better everyday!!!!
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal part of your life here. (I believe that could help others as well!)

[Clandestine]

I made a thread in the General section of the forum, about people who have gone to mental assylums/psych wards/hospitals.

"...maybe one day I can let it all go. Maybe one day I can say I am happy for now I will just say I am okay, some days I am better than others, the days when I say I am okay, I am hurting, I hurt everyday, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to do much of anything, but I have to keep going."

I totally hear you on this one. Every word is exactly what I'm going through right now. You're not alone ;]

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

[purplebutterfly]

Thanks for your thoughts, Just trying to get through today right now, actually minute by minute, I do not like how I feel after being in the hospital-it is like I am a stranger to the world. Just need some support to get through this and I need to keep talking, so I do not sink into deeper depression, and stay out of the bed- not a good place for me right now. I want to delete the post but I am trying to leave it alone, maybe someone out there can be helped through my post.

[mountainstream]

((((((((purplebutterfly))))))))

[crazybones]

see this may be true "Life has dealt me a really bad hand, I just have to continue to play that hand. "

but you dont have to keep playing with this deck throw it down and start over it may be hard i am sure of this i been to the point of no return "ROCK BOTTOM" as most say i was forced to go to a hospital at first i didnt like for the first few nights i cried myself to sleep
but as i got further along i became friends with the staff members and they helped me relize when i was done there i would be 1 step closer to recovery i HOPE you MAKE it through this i really do your kind at heart and deserve alot better GOOD LUCK

[Lenny]

Nothing worth anything is free.

I know your working hard purple and please know that if you don't give up there are rewards waiting...

Change is hard but remaining the same is sometimes harder...

Keep going...you did good,,,real good.

Lenny

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( purplebutterfly )))))))))))))))

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((PURPLE)))> I am sorry that you are suffering to this degree. It is very hard to feel the emotional pain that you are in and feel anything but remourse from your past I am sure. Being or going to the hospital is not failure on your part as a human being, it is just that when someone has issues that have a great part in the emotional balance things have to be changed for the better such as medicaiton and treatment when things are breaking down. It is good that you decided to get the help you need to hopefully feel better in time. Your story may become an inspiration for someone else who has the same need of help as yourself. I am thankful you are willing to share your experiences to help others as well as yourself. I hope things get better for you soon. PM anytime (((PURPLE))). Soidhonia

[I_miss_my_kitty]