We received sad news this morning - my kids great-grandmother, Gi Gi, will probably die today or tomorrow. She is 96 years old and has led a very full and happy life, but the thought of not seeing her again is so painful to me. We love her dearly, and will miss her so much.

This is so reminiscent of when my dad died 4 years ago - those final days waiting for the end, knowing it was coming. I didn't deal with it well - I was too young, and still drinking, and in the process of having my 3 year old diagnosed with autism and providing 100% of the emotional support for my mom, my brother, my uncles, my kids. I didn't have a support - no T yet.

Anyhow, my pattern is to run, run, run, run from feelings. I don't even notice I'm doing it - it's my default. So I've just been frantically busy all day, really frantic and desperate, eating loads of cookies in between the busy-ness. It all came together in a horrible, awful migraine, and I had to lay down for about an hour and finally take some hydrocodone. Thinking about the feelings makes the headache come back. When I was laying down I realized how frantic I'd been all day.

Can anyone relate to this? I don't know HOW to have feelings. They scare me. I've spent my entire life NOT having them, and even now, when I'm in therapy because I *think* I want to stop being numb, and running, I just can't seem to let myself feel them.

So now I'm sick from cookies and hydrocodone, my head still hurts, and those feelings are still pushing at me from under the surface. My oldest son is pitching in a big baseball game tonight, and I want to go and enjoy and not feel this sick.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))

one practice I have been asked to do sometimes is to place all the feelings in a containment box. As a kid this was done by imagining me putting all my feelings inside balloons, and letting them go.
Reciently, i was instructed to imagine putting them in a big trunk, with a padlock, and place it at the bottom of the ocean.
Then maybe you can enjoy the game and support your son?

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

I am sorry for your pain and the impending loss of a loved member of your family. I know exactly how you feel -- or at least I think I do. Sometimes in therapy now when I feel pain, cry or whatever and then it's as if it never happened. It's gone, zilch, zippo...back to my old habits. I even pretended it didn't hurt so much when my mother died.

I think we are using old childhood habits in our adult lives. We need to keep telling ourselves that its okay to feel these things now because we have the resources of a competent adult and we are not helpless children.

Also, it's okay for our children to see us upset, or crying. In fact, it's probably good for us to model our grief rather than hold it in so they will know it's okay to feel too.

Good luck.

[Kiya]

those are really good points. when austin died, (it was very sudden and unexpected) it was such a shock that i cried a great deal at first - then stuffed it away. I thought i had dealt with it, not realizing it would be a very long process. So instead of dealing with it, I pretty much died, too, for 2 years. We do need to feel our feelings and work to be aware of them. It is far more healing to do that in the present with the grief, than later.

(((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))