[sidony]

This is just gonna be one of those posts about how much I love my therapist. This week especially. I'm one of those people who never cry and in 2 years had only ever cried once in therapy. This week was an exception -- not only did I go to see him twice (instead of the usual 1X this week), but I cried both times. With me, if I'm crying it tends to be out of self-hatred and anger as much as sadness, and this was no exception. T comforted me much more than I would have thought possible. Both times he came and sat near me and held my hand, something I would have thought intolerable (the first time he ever offered to hold my hand was ages ago and I refused). Actually I almost refused this time and did at first, but he offered twice so I finally accepted. Could barely look at him the first time. But then yesterday he held my hand and I could look at him and find comfort and it was so much more than I had expected. And he said my favorite thing ever: When I had said I don't know what to do with all this regret, he said "We're working on that."

I feel better.

Sidony

[MissCharlotte]

Sidony,

Your session sounds beautiful and I thank you for sharing it!

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sidony said:
When I had said I don't know what to do with all this regret, he said "We're working on that."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I love that too.

That sounds like such a tender and therapeutic session. Existential regret--so hard to face. You are very brave.

[Kiya]

Sidony!!

What a wonderful session!

(((((Sidony))))))
Your T sounds so wonderful!

[pachyderm]

Envy.

[sidony]

Thanks all.

In the days since I was there I keep remembering that session, and I've tried to put that memory on top of my obsessive thinking whenever I start obsessing over my regrets (Sunrise, I like the phrase "existential regret"). It helps a lot.

That was the closest I've ever felt to T. Has me wondering about the nature of emotions and why it's necessary (for me) to be in such pain to feel close to someone. The intensity maybe? Or the fact that I usually hide that? I don't know. It was a beautiful session though.

Sidony

[Shirlz08]

I was crying yesterday in my kitchen after getting off the phone with my Mom. My bio says a lot, but basically, I can't take any sort of comfort from her. My friends and roommates tend to downplay how I'm feeling. I told one of them some weeks ago about a panic attack I had. She laughed at me, honest to God.

I saw a therapist for brief period in college, but he tried to oppose my pov rather than helping me explore my feelings. So, I haven't really done therapy since and I can't really afford it. I once turned to my ministry for comfort. I ended up holding one of my friends, she was crying for me. I found it ironic that I had to comfort someone who was trying so much to comfort me.

Anyway, what I wanted to say, and someone else already summed it up, is that I envy that hand hold. I wish I knew someone who could hold my hand or wrap me in their arms for a bit and stroke my hair and tell me they'll help and that it will all be okay. I know it will be for both of us. It's just easier to feel it rather than know it sometimes. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Thanks.

~Shirlz

[alevin]

It is when we seek to be held, that others face their own years of tears of not being held themselves,

try to take some comfort in the "humility of that silent and alone self, that at least has released another from theirs, in the hope that that relative "freeing" will give strength to your friend to come back again ,so at least you can then hold each other, and only then we can find the courage and strength and LOVE to hold the other [YOU!] through your tired but worthwhile journey.

love -[ we should have the courage to use that word a little more by the way! ]

Alevin

[sidony]

I'm sorry if I stir up any painful feelings. It was a long time for me to find comfort and closeness so wanted to share that moment. I hope everyone here will find as much when they need it. Pain can be so isolating. I have found it terribly hard to share my own.

Sidony