[hangingon]

I placed this somewhere else but not sure its the right place, so I am placing it here..

I have been having such a hard time with my mom lately.
She hates that I started seeing a therapist. Tells me that I don't have to tell anyone my problems, that all I need to do is go to God. Objectively I understand God is bigger than all this, but subjectively I don't feel that.
If I call her and this subject comes up I tell her I don't want to talk about.....(as it always turns bad)......she says I know....but then she just has to jab at it ........and does it anyways...

She makes me feel so guilty for going to counseling. I finally shared it with my sisters who have been abused to. One sister is really having a hard time and my mom pushes the fact that she is not going to church. Gosh ...can she just put her arms around her once and tell her she loves her......I mean she's her mother. That really hurts me alot...

We never talked about the Se*ual abuse growing up. The one time it was brought up my mom yelled at us for not telling and left it at that. So we keep it quiet for years. It started brewing up in me after taking a psych class. I couldn't stop it. I started feeling depressed and decided to seek help for the first time in my life....at 34 years of age....

I still have mixed feelings about going because I have felt worse since beginning to talk about it.
My mom left this cruel message this morning on my voice mail saying I am poisoning my sisters.....speaking about counseling..

More than anything I just want her to be my mom, just once. Gosh,.....what did I do to make her be so insensitive? What did I do to make her hate me? Am I really that stupid? Why cant she just be my mom....support me just once in my life? Am I asking too much....sometimes I just don't know how to do this.....

Hanging on

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((((((( hanginon ))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry that your mom is not being more supportive of your decision to be in therapy. You did nothing to deserve this treatment, I am sure she doesn't hate you. It sounds like your mom is maybe having her own problems and this may be preventing her from being supportive of you.

[pachyderm]

> what did I do to make her be so insensitive?

Nothing. It sounds to me as though she does not want to face it, and avoids that pain by attacking you, as the one that brings the pain to her attention. It is not an unusual reaction -- and it is not your fault.

a minster in a flood said God would save him.
People came in a boat and offered him help, but no, God would save him.
People came in a canoe, but no, God would save him.
People came in a helicopter, but no, God would save him.
The flood waters rose and he drowned.
In heaven he asked God why he hadn't saved him...
and God said, "I sen you a boat, a canoe and a helicopter, what more did you need?"

the point being, maybe God's way of helping you is through the T? Maybe your mom would understand if you explained it that way. Although, from the other things you say, i doubt it. She feels threatened, for whatever reason. Perhaps she is a victim of the media input, which for a very long time seemed to portray everyone's problems as leading back to the mother (hence the classic joke "tell me about your mother"). My mother is a tad paranoid about things like that... we're not supposed to tell people anything about the inner workings of our family.

i don't know.. she could simply be being mean.

my T says therapy isn't about feeling good... it's about getting better. Working through abuse is painful and takes a lot of strength to see it through. You have done a good thing for yourself in recognizing what you need when others obviously do not.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry your mother isn't supportive. My family really isn't either, they're just going along with whatever I do now because I told them that their permission or blessing to go into counselling (and then take antidepressants) was NOT needed. It was a good decision for ME and they had no right to boss me around.

As for "only needing God" ... bah... I hate that phrase. I like what was said earlier, because I believe that to be true. God (or whatever higher being you believe in) helps those who help themselves.

I'm sorry your mother isn't realizing how much she's hurting you (and your sisters) by not being supportive of this. Some people are like that unfortunately.

Perhaps eventually your mother will come around and realize you're performing self-care and that this is for your benefit... if she doesn't, sadly that's her decision because it sounds like she may have some issues she needs to work through herself.

I wish you the very best in your counselling, and I hope your sisters make decisions to seek help for themselves, and that they are not dissuaded by your mother.

[chaotic13]

My H does the same type of stuff to deter me from going to therapy. The worst is when someone like that sucks all of your energy dry right before you go to your session. This happened to me last week and I didn't talk about anything I wanted to talk about.

The only way I've been able to deal with these attacks is to avoid discussing therapy with him. I don't lie, he knows I go, but basically that is all. It is not a good solution (certainly doesn't help with our communication problems) but it is the only way I can defend myself from his attacks at this point. If your mom in anything like my H, she will use any information you provide to further undermine your therapy or discredit your T.

As for your sisters, I guess it depends on how old they are and why you are talking to them about your therapy. My childhood friend tried repeatedly to talk with me about our shared abuse. I was not ready to go there and cut her off. This created a lot of tension between us for many years and increased my guilt and shame when I finally decided to revisit the past. I think you can be supportive, but don't push discussions about abuse. Maybe they just need to find their own way to healing. Maybe just letting them know where you found help is enough at this point.

I am so proud of you for receiving help despite all the hurtful things your mother is doing.

My mother hates the fact I am in counseling. Sometimes it strikes fear into a person who has tried for years to silence their children. "What are they saying, what are they saying about *me*, and what is that counselor going to say about it?"

Their efforts at keeping you silent have gotten a lot harder now that you have found a trained professional to help you uncover what happened in your past and is happening in the present.

I believe you should talk about these issues with your mother, to your therapist. They have come across these issues before with other clients, no doubt. What she is doing is throwing you into chaos and it needs addressed so that she will not have that power over you. She's had it long enough and she's afraid to let go of it!

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More than anything I just want her to be my mom, just once. Gosh,.....what did I do to make her be so insensitive? What did I do to make her hate me? Am I really that stupid? Why cant she just be my mom....support me just once in my life? Am I asking too much....sometimes I just don't know how to do this.....

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Tell this to your therapist.

Best of luck on your journey. Take care of you.

[hangingon]

Thank you all for your encouragement.

Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by all of it. I spent all of my session the other day talking about this.

I had called my mother to give her the good news, that I had passed my fundamentals of nusring class, as I was failing half way through the semester and was ready to drop out, but decided to stick it out and my counselor also encouraged that, so I did. In the end I came back and ended up recieving a B in the class. I was so excited....

Unfortuantely , I lost my hard earned 4.0 that I had maintained before being accepted into the program.....but after dealing with all of this stuff in counseling for the first time.....recieving a B was huge for me at that point.
Anyways, my mom said she was happy, etc....then came the couseling talk again. I tried to shut it down but it didn't work.

Chaotic....
My sisters are not little. They are 28, 31, and 33. They realize that they have problems from what happened. I decided to see if they were ready to talk about it, yes, it was the first time. I asked them each at seperate times, when I was alone with them. When I thought the time was right.

They all disclosed things...but not in great detail at this point. I really believe they want counseling. They recognize they need it. One of them has already tried to commit sui*ide in the past. I am trying o look into some group thing now that we girls can do together. The whole poisoning thing my mom mentioned is due to the fact she doesn't believe in counseling.
You'd think you'd want your kids to be helped, I don't get it. I love my little sisters. One of them is not doing so well and another one has been in a very abusive relationship for years and can't find the courage to leave. I just want them to be happy, I want to be happy. Can't see why my mom sees that to be so threatening.

[chaotic13]

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hangingon said:
My sisters are not little. They are 28, 31, and 33. They realize that they have problems from what happened.

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I think it is good that you are reaching out and trying to help your sisters as you help yourself. You know your sisters, I was just suggesting caution. Just because they are hurting and clearly in trouble doesn't mean they are ready to deal with things. I'm 42 and my friend has been trying to talk to me since high school. I wasn't ready. Even after 11 months of therapy, I've still only been able to but stuff on paper. I think the actions you described here were great. You let them know where you are, how your trying to deal with your own stuff, and that you are available to talk if they want to. Pushing them to deal with it now or in therapy the way you are may just cause them to pull away. I am not suggesting that you are actually doing this. I'm just saying be mindful.

[sunrise]

hangingon, is there any way you can have less contact with your mother and her toxic behavior for the time being? How often do you talk by phone? If daily, could you switch that to weekly? If you speak weekly, change to once every 3 weeks? Or something like that. You are an adult. You can choose the frequency of contact. When you have dealt with other upsetting issues and feel stronger, you can resume more contact, if desired.

I agree, definitely share the concerns about your mother with your T.

You could also set some very firm boundaries with your mother. For example, "because of your past lack of support and negativity, you are not allowed to mention my counseling to me. If you do, I will hang up the phone." If she persists, don't answer the phone when she calls. If she really wants contact, she will abide by your rules.

For your sisters and you, you could go to a family therapist. You could see the therapist alone sometimes and with your sisters at other times, and they could see him/her individually too when they wanted. Family therapists are trained in seeing different combinations of family members from the same group. Maybe your current therapist is a family therapist or can refer you to someone appropriate.

My main advice: distance yourself from your mother at this time. Good luck.

[hangingon]

Chaotic

I know what your saying, and I have not pushed them at all. One of them has acutally shared with me that she listens to a christian radio show at night, the women who does it is a counselor, my sister has been so wanting to call in but is so nervous too. I told her its completely normal to be nervous about that.

Honestly. I have not pushed anything........two are really ready, but shared that since they don't have insurance and money is an issue they haven't, one has been thinking about it......none of them agree with my mom at this point.
One of them called me today about my mom and said how upset they are with my mom and how she is pushing another sister of ours away.....I think its been a long time coming.
She also said she would be interested in doing a group session with me when I find one.

Sunrise..
Thats what my therapist has been suggesting me to do because shes only been hurting my healing process.
My mom is the type that will call me all upset if I don't call her for a couple days.

However, in her hurtful message today....she told me to just to stay away from her......like I was even trying to bother her........she confuses me so much....she says in one sentence, she is sorry for whatever, then the very next sentence says I am poisoning my sisters.....ugh....thats not sorry, not at all......its all about her right now....she has always been the type who has to be in control of everything with our family.....all my siblings know that, my sister in law even said to me the other day that my mom is so extreme..

But I am taking my mom up on her offer. My birthday is next week....and if there is something planned with her, I am not going......some of my family members may be upset with me....but this cycle is getting really old.....and personally, I can't take it , it hurts too much.

[hangingon]

Sunrise....
maybe the family therapist would be a better choice at this time,even now, I still can't say things in words and have to journal them for my therapist.
I guess the only thing is I have insurance and they don't and can't really afford to see a therapist now, that makes it hard.
Not sure if they charge a set rate, or charge each person seperately.
I will have to check into it..

[sunrise]

hangingon, I am so glad you are going to back off your mom. This could be very healthy for you.

My family therapist charges by the session, whether there is one, two, or four people there or whatever. Many insurance plans do not reimburse for family therapy when there is more than one person present in the room. But the individual sessions are covered. Other insurance plans may be different.

Good luck!

[MyBestKids2]

The only response I have is do you really need to discuss your treatment with her? Are you individually insured? If she is going to have such a negative impact on your recovery, it will make things so much worse.

Good luck!

[hangingon]

My best kid...
No I am not insured under her. I told her about the counseling once when I first started going and she totally attacked me for it., said the past in the past, leave it there.
I knew right then that I could not talk to her about it....I decided to never bring the issue up with her and I don't but she always does......I don't know why she just can't let it be.
I tell her I don't want to talk about it, but she she keeps going on about it......

She is making things worse, she is making me question whether or not I should be going and talking about the past......Its probably time to stay away for awhile. The thing that really worries me is what if I do and something were to happen to her having ended it for awhile, I would feel so guilty....

[chaotic13]

Hangingon,
It is so ironic that you posted your last paragraph. My H used both of these attacks on me before my session last week. At the end of my session my T handed me two key points for me to put in my wallet. One dealt with me identifying his guilt attacks. I thought the statements were kind of stupid when she gave them to me. BUT.... I've since looked at them frequently and they've helped me mentally counter his attacks. Maybe having something like this on hand to whip out when you mom contacts you would help. It could be key words to help you identify the control drama and then some generic responses to use to break away from it.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( hangingon )))))))))))))

[InsaneMax]

<font color="#000088">Hiya Hangingon

There are a lot of parents that have their own emotional hangups and are better at denial than actually dealing with a problem. Denial as you know, always makes it worse in the long run. It's a great idea that your going to therapy, and it's all your grown-up, adult decision. You spent a lifetime hiding the abuse and trying to appease a non-receptive mother. I think she needs therapy from what I can tell, but... anyway, I can think of far more important things to be doing with my time than trying to appease a mother who is impossible to please. Luckily that your an adult now, you don't need her permission or approval. I don't think her way has worked.

No offense meant toward your mother, but it sounds like she doesn't want family secrets aired at all. She probably feels some shame, and has possibly many years of denial. Would she say for you to pray your cancer away? Radiation therapy isn't necessary? I think if it was my mother, I would tell her something along the lines of how God enables people to take control of certain aspects of our lives, and and that this tool He gave us empowers us to seek the help we need. The only thing I would caution is sharing things with your mother and/or sisters that isn't necessary to share. If your mother is critical of you, I wouldn't share much of anything. Personally, having a frigid mother myself, I consider personal knowledge about me a privilege that is earned, not a right.
Best wishes mate,
MAX</font>