Self-sabotage

Jeez, I purposely arrange everything so I don't have to leave the house for 5 days (depressed) and that just makes me more depressed. Does anyone else do this repeatedly? And I usually feel better when I'm around people than when I'm not. But it causes so much anxiety and obsession later, that I avoid it. Feeling alone and scared this weekend. No T for 3 weeks and just trying to hold on until Wed. appointment. But, then feel horrible for feeling so dependent...and too anxious to divulge what I need to. Sorry for the pity line. Just needed to talk.

Hey. Finding the balance can be hard... One thing that some people find helpful is to engage in social contact in a way that is manageable for them. This could involve trips (by oneself) to a museum, art gallery, mall, supermarket, cafe, library etc. It could involve walking somewhere where other people are likely to be walking too, and where small nods and 'hellos' can be exchanged. A kind of social contact without pressure and obligation to be cheerful or funny or attentive or whatever.

Would those kinds of forms of social contact seem manageable?

Not talking to people at all... Brings on a form of sensory deprivation (hallucinations and the like). Doesn't take long...

Those are good ideas, if I could just get myself to do them. I'm just stuck on the sofa and somewhat agoraphobic. Only take out the garbage and get mail after dark, afraid to use my secluded backyard... Where does all this come from?

Forgot to thank you for being here, kim. See what I mean? I just keep messing up with people. I think of things hours or days later sometimes.

(((((((((((((((( foreverlost )))))))))))))))))
I also tend to do that. I usually find the library helpful in making myself feel a little better. I hope that you are feeling better soon.

Hey. Its okay, things can be hard sometimes. I like the library, too. Find some book to immerse myself in...

Part of it is a bit of a spiral, I think. If you aren't feeling so good then the thought of social contact can feel worse, and we can't really afford to feel worse, but then we feel worse anyway because we haven't had any. Sometimes it can be about doing something in spite of how we are feeling. Not because we feel better when we think of doing it, but because we know (rationally - not emotionally) that we will likely feel better while we are doing it / once we have done it. It is really hard, though.

Is there something that you typically enjoy doing (even if you can't muster the enthusiasm for it now)? Is there a movie that you have wanted to see? A book you have wanted to read? A place you like to go (an art gallery or something like that)?

How about trying... One thing. In the spirit of self care / self soothing. Then afterwards... See if you feel better or worse? Couldn't be much worse than it is now with you staying at home - could it?

Something I do is force myself to sign up for a class that interests me. Spending the money is going to make me more likely to go. I'm around people (latest one is knitting), but there is another focus so it's not as intimidating as someone looking right at you or in your eyes or trying to think of a subject to talk about.

You can always talk about the knitting, but the class (about 6 women gradually start talking about other subjects easily & you can join in without looking up from your work). I've also done computer classes (ddin't retain much--still a techno idiot), exercise classes, writing classes, scrapbooking, cooking, etc.

I've also taken classes at the local univ. (history, Eng.), but those are expensive so I couldn't continue with those.

If I'm feeling isolated & have nowhere to go, I'll take a book to the local coffee shop & read for an hour just to feel like I'm a part of the human race. It is HARD to make myself do these things, but I've learned that I am so proud of myself afterwards & feel so much better that I do them.

Also, support groups are good. I've made some friends there that I get together with or talk on the phone with. We even do volunteer work together at the women's jail. Getting outside yourself & helping others is also a good antidote to letting the depression rule you. I always dread going anywhere (why did I say I'd do this?), but I feel so much better afterwards.--Suzy

I love going to coffee shops and reading and / or doing some writing. Kinda watch the people go by...

On weekends there is a temptation for me to just stay home. Try and work. Watch some TV. Do some emailing. The weekends that I do that I tend to feel just awful, however. I've learned that if I get out and go to a coffee shop for a bit and do some reading there then that can really help out my whole weekend, however. I still watch TV and do some emailing, don't get me wrong, but I tend to enjoy my blobbing more than I do when I get kind of 'caught' in it. Hang in there forever lost... Maybe it isn't forever. This too shall pass...

Thanks all, for the suggestions and support.
I have always been an avid reader until the past 2 years or so when I haven't been able to focus enough to read a book. I read the same paragraph over and over and then can't remember what I read when I pick book up again! Same thing with movies. I have been trying to read short stories, with some limited success. I feel totally stupid. I'm a disabled (temporarily?) professor just wanting to get better and go back to work, but I have to be able to READ and think and have confidence....After hearing from several of you, though, I am going to try to do something to get out more, even if it's spreading out errands.

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I can totally relate to what you said about isolating, I just found this site and am so grateful; what people write is so real and gives me some comfort that I am not alone in my thoughts.

Going to dog parks is my thing to force myself to be around people. I had to put them down in August, they got really sick and it was the best thing. Often I have to force myself to "borrow" a friends dog and go to the dog park. It is a great way to talk to people about silly things. Dogs seem to take away the intensity and provide laughter.

"But, then feel horrible for feeling so dependent...and too anxious to divulge what I need to." <font color="blue"> </font>

You are not alone, I get so scared about getting dependant and then anxious. I have started to write down what is going on and then bring it in with me or send an email to my T about what I need to focus on.

Please stay connected and let us know how you are doing. Thank you again for the post, I needed to know that others feel that way.

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Only take out the garbage and get mail after dark

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me too

Also I had a long period where I couldn't focus enough to read, then could read some here and there and now it seems to be okay. Hang in there!

Do you write / journal? It's a nice way to capture what's going on. I find it helpful because lose awareness of how different states begin when I have moved on to the next state. So journalling helps me keep track and it's relieving at the same time.

Sometimes going outside and being in nature helps me. I try to notice the sights and sounds around me, and feel the fresh air and sunshine. The more I'm in my house, alone, the easier it is for me to get lost in my head.

I agree with what someone else said about support groups too. It used to be SO HARD for me to force myself to go, but now I go, listen to other people, share a little, and feel better for connecting with people.

It's so easy and so tempting to stay home and isolate. The pull is so strong sometimes. But posting on here is a start!! Maybe a walk around the neighborhood for some fresh air and to clear your head??

Failed again. Instead of coping last night, I just drank a bottle of wine.