~*~The Rollercoaster~*~

Life has been up and down.

My T was gone for 12 days. I only sent her 2 emails the whole time - one was from a little of mine who was having flashbacks, and one was an article from here that I thought was interesting. One of my littles finally got to see her yesterday (Tuesday).

He/we talked about what had gone on.

<ul type="square">-Applied for a job that I would be PERFECT for, got told I got the job, to have it ripped away 2 hours later because they did not want to schedule around my masters classes.

-Having only 1 weekend left to work a mind numbing weekend/overnights job.

-Sharing the letter I got from VRS about them paying for my Masters program starting in the fall.

-Going through HORRIBLE nightmares/flashbacks.

-Sharing 5-6 pieces of art work drawn about the trauma going back and forth inside.

-Making it well known there's a lot of trauma at the surface but not having the words to talk about it.[/list]
She thinks I'm doing pretty good - working so hard to find a job, get started with my Masters, doing a lot of hard trauma work with drawing. I am trying, but I'm not doing "well". I feel frustrated like the stress/overwhelming feelings of the nightmares are not being taken like that need to be. That my request for trying to be pushed through some of it is not being heard.

I also feel like I can't mess up. I can't crash, and I'm going to. That is my nature through the trauma. I want her to see how horrible and insecure I'm feeling but I can't seem to let it show and let it through.

The ups scare me more than the downs because I'm afraid in this very hard time she'll cut me off suddenly and end our therapeutic relationship before I am ready.

The fear of the soon-coming retirement is hanging over my head and I keep worrying one way or another I'm going to run out of time and lose my T forever.

((((((((((((stormyangels))))))))))))

good luck with the job and everything, it is tough out there~!

((Stormy))