[kessa19]

I haven't been too supportive to anyone here (fear of connecting and no energy) so I apologize in advance...and will risk being selfish once again--
How do you know that what you're saying to t. is not boring them to pieces? Or that it's not important and t. is thinking it's a waste of time to be bothered with something so irrelevant? Sometimes I question whether what I'm telling her is even real and since I'm questioning it myself I wonder what she's thinking.
Because of all of the above when I talk to her I can't find my words and I never go into detail and I skip all over the place because I'm worried so much what she thinks. Nothing I say makes sense half the time. I can't communicate like a normal human being. I want to know what she wants from me but she reveals nothing and it drives me crazy. I worry she hates me or wants to get rid of me etc. I have no confidence that anything I say means anything or is important to anyone.

[splitimage]

If it's important to you it's worth talking about. Don't worry about your T not liking what you have to say or judging you. They're trained to hear just about anything and maintain professionally. Be honest as you can with your T and tell her what you need to talk about. That's the only way you'll get any benefit out of therapy.

---splitimage

[hangingon]

Kessa
Im with ya
Have the time I don't even know what to say. I feel that I am wasting her time. I leave her having to do most the talking, I know its not suppose to be that way, but it just the way I am right now as I don't trust her enough yet.
I told her in the beginning that I appreciate her helping with conversation cause I don't know what to say half the time.
Just hang in there

[ECHOES]

I have these same thoughts often, kessa19. I had them worse or more persistantly when I first started therapy, especially about the skipping all over. I must have apologized a dozen times for just that.

We talked about this tonight (again). What to talk about? Am I supposed to come with something to talk about?

She said, let me tell you how it works "Say anything." "Anything at all that comes to mind. Start anywhere. Free associate. Go any direction at any time."

Even though I really knew that I asked. It was good to hear (again). I love to read psychology books and lately I think I've been trying hard to impress her. It's interfered with the spontaneity and I haven't liked that. She assured me that I don't have to bring her a 'gem'. Just come.

So, talk to your t about everything in your post. See what she says.

(((((((((((((((( kessa19)))))))))))))))))

How long have you been with your therapist?

Just last night I was reading my journals from when I started therapy, and all of my entries sounded exactly like your post! I was worried that when I told him things he would think I was making a big deal out of nothing, I was sure he was going to refer me, etc. All of the fears you're talking about in your post. Ugh, it felt bad.

I finally forced myself to be really honest (and brave) and tell him my fears and worries. It didn't make them suddenly disappear, but we've talked about them many, many times as they've come back up, and they creep up a lot less often than they used to, thankfully.

What you have to say IS important. You DO deserve to be heard. Tell your T about your fears and let her help you.

[MyBestKids2]

I asked T that very question tonight I said "Am I a waste of your time" He answered NO, and quickly moved onto something else!

[kessa19]

I've been with her for a little over a year and the more I like her and trust her the more I am afraid. I used to dissociate when I talked to her. The whole session was like a dream sometimes. I am not able to disapear as often anymore and although that's probably a good thing I feel like I have no defenses left and feel so exposed. I've had to walk out of a session midway because I've gotten so anxious. One day I asked if she would please work on something while I sat there and she did. She's very nice and brings me water and she let me take home a little box so I could remember her between sessions.
It used to be that I had aspects of myself that protected me and were good and could love. They seem to have abandoned me and now I'm left w/myself and I have no self esteem.
Thanks everyone for making me feel not so alone.

[DePressMe]

For me it has been really important to talk with my T about how I feel about her...our relationship is an important part of the therapy. Share some of these thoughts with your T....it might help.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((kessa19))))))))))))

I think a lot of people sometimes think that in therapy... perfectly normal. What everyone else says... I totally agree with it.

[Mouse_]

I've felt that way too, and have often said I can't wait for the day when my past is where is belongs, "in the past" and how I hate that I still have a need to talk to T about thsi stuff. I've sometimes wondered if T isn't silently raising her eyes and sighing with the boredom of it all, but I think thats more my experience of childhood then how T really is. I mean if a person has another self-love then they would never find another unworthy of love and attention, and I've also wondered if things were as bad as what I've talked about and T said, that doesnt matter, its how your inner world feels about things that have happened that we deal with here too, not just the details, and we all have our own personal reactions to situations.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kessa19 said:
when I talk to her I can't find my words and I never go into detail and I skip all over the place because I'm worried so much what she thinks. Nothing I say makes sense half the time. I can't communicate like a normal human being.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I wrote almost this same statement in my journal yesterday. I've been in therapy a year and still trip over my words. Therapy is the only place where I hear myself mumble and stutter, what's up with that???? It is very, VERY frustrating. (((Kessa))) If I push away the nervousness and anxiety, I can talk perfectly clear and be coherent. Unfortunately when I push away the nervousness, my emotions and feelings disappear as well. How do you talk about feelings your experiencing, when they move out of reach during the session. I'm sorry I am not posting anything helpful. I'm ready to revisit the "getting trashed before therapy" option previously discussed. (JUST KIDDING-lets not go there again :-)) For me it's either a bumbling idiot or a 3rd person narrator. At this point my therapist has offered no good advice other than, "It an old behavior pattern, its difficult to change, you just have to break the cycle." Unfortunately, the HOW still eludes me.

Sky_, Pink, Pegasus, Perna: How about sharing some tricks of the trade for this mouth block. (Perna... I've assigned you an honorary PsyD. or do you want the PhD. - Lets not go here again either LOL)

[kessa19]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
chaotic13 said:
[when I push away the nervousness, my emotions and feelings disappear as well. How do you talk about feelings your experiencing, when they move out of reach during the session.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's what it's like for me too! I'm either a mass of anxiety w/ so many unrecognizable/conflicting emotions trying to get out or a zombie. I also get EXTREMELY exhausted after some sessions and can't function for sometimes days (have had to call in sick and/or pull over and sleep in my car).
Chaotic, twice now I was able to feel in front of T (about something relatively safe) and I didn't completely dissociate or panic and make it stop. And although it became dark and it seemed like she was miles away I knew she was there with me and nothing catastrophic happened, I didn't lose control, go crazy and become completely cut off from everyone and disapear forever, I didn't destroy her office or her, she didn't freak out or fall apart, I didn't make her feel the same way I did etc. Those are some of my fears. Do you sometimes worry about those things too? (I've been seeing her a little over a year but saw a male T for 7 years but NEVER could say a damned thing to him except in letters--frustrating!). Now I'm more scared than ever but keep hoping there's hope and today I feel hopeful and I just know you will find it too ?????

[ECHOES]

kessa,

Keep telling her all your thoughts, including about feeling frustrated when you can't find the words and being extremely exhausted after therapy. All these things are important too. All the things you've written here are important for her to know.

I still sometimes smile or laugh and say "I HAVE NO WORDS!!" lol. Telling her can sometimes help break the tension and it's okay to not have words. They will come, she reassures me. There's plenty of time.

Telling her lets her reassure you. In time the dissociating will happen less as you feel more like staying there than not staying there.

Does she know that you mostly 'talked' via letters to your former T? Let her know that if you haven't already.

The words will come. You're learning to do this verbally rather than in writing. You're learning and learning takes time and practice, just like you are doing.

[kessa19]

I think I'll just print my entries out and bring them to my session on Tuesday. (Yesterday I left her a message asking if she wouldn't mind doing some work while I just sit with her on Tuesday maybe bringing my writing will help her understand and we can "talk" )