[SingleGirl]

This is not intend to inflame anyone but a posting talking about sense of self and being true based on how many cards you lay on the table... it's really relevant to me right now and I would welcome a supportive discussion.

I'm new here. I suck at being a therapy client. I visited 2 therapists before age 18 (only saw each one, one time) and visited 7 in the last 10 years, each for only a few visits.

The child visits, I couldn't control going...that was my mother. The adult visits, though, I stopped going once I reached a point where I felt I had laid too many of those aforementioned cards on the table. I have serious issues with integrating the many versions of me. I give lots of people bits and pieces... but no one gets the whole.

How do you get through that in therapy? Is this something I should disclose at the start of a new relationship? Should I be mindful and force it? Is it ok to just go to therapy without ever showing all of my cards? I work in the field, so these are answers I should likely already have in my toolkit... but I don't... and I want to know how to be successful so I can move forward.

I am hoping that if I can learn to appropriately disclose these "private horrors" to a therapist, I can mirror that out in the real world. I suck at disclosing in friendships and relationships. I am always either too much info or no info at all... literally I'm that extreme... avoidant or dumping.

That point that a few people were discussing... about not feeling like I was being true because people didn't know the whole me... it has probably been my SINGLE largest struggle in my entire 29 years of life. I feel like I'm different people to everyone and a whole person to no one but definitely all of those sides of me are the REAL me... I just am too humiliated to mix them together.

Ok, thank you in advance for your help processing this... I am going to be starting therapy again by the middle of the month and my goal is to stick with it through the end of the year. That would be more consistent therapy than I've ever undertaken and I can use all the advisement I can get...

Be well.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( singlegirl ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't have a lot of experience as a therapy patient, but I know that feeling of no one (including me) knowing the "real me" because of my fear of telling someone the whole truth.

When I started therapy, I started laying all of these factual things out there, with no emotion attached - "this happened to me, this happened to me, this happened to me" - and each time I would tell him something, my strongest urge was to run and never come back. But I KNOW I want to heal and I KNOW the only way out is through.

What helped me was to just force myself to go, and to talk about my desire to run, my fear of sharing my whole story and what that encompasses, my urge to still keep secrets, my difficulty in trusting him. So, we weren't talking about my story - we were talking about why it's hard to talk about it. Those discussions helped increase my trust in him so I've been able to share a little more - even *some* feelings. And when it feels like too much and I want to run (it doesn't take much - sometimes just a sentence about something) then we talk about that for as long as we need to, for as many sessions as I need, before I feel safe enough to move forward a little more.

I'm learning that it's a SLOW process. As much as I wanted to just go in there and "get it over with", it just won't work that way for me. In order to keep going, I have to talk about my feelings about talking. In a lot of ways, that IS the therapy for me.

Good luck, singlegirl... I hope you find a T that you can connect with.

[Kiya]

yeah, if you want to lay on the line that you have all these pieces and they never mix and that you want to address them but that fear holds you back... you could then work through them slowly.
only time, eh? time and trust. and with that comes knowledge of the self. I used to be like that and with the work of therapy those pieces are becoming more integrated.
good luck, kiya

[Doh2007]

I think you start with one small thing and see how that feels. Also it helps to tell the therapist up front what you said here. We're constantly testing them to see if they are safe. They know this.

the first of your thread is almost word for word of what i said to my T when i started... people get pieces but never the whole of me.

i decided i really wanted to change. And it is that committment which keeps me going... and it is the going that builds the trust.

feeling like you have told things before you are ready is an awful feeling.. i know it too well. But if it happens.. tell the T that is how you feel maybe. Yes, i would tell a T at the beginning just what you said here.

one thing i have found that helps is i am very upfront with T about whatever it is i am feeling... even if i cant talk about something, i tell him how i feel about talking or not talking

write things out.. then decide to give them or not.. talk here, we have all been there

[DePressMe]

I have been with a few bad therapists and a few really good therapists. One thing I have found is that I don't tend to "lay everything on the table." It takes time to slowly give parts of myself to my T. It's like peeling and onion--I share an intimate detail and peel off a layer and then keep sharing and peeling--I think we are getting to my core.

For me, the relationship I have with the therapist is just as important as the "stuff" I disclose. I think there is more to therapy than just relaying information...for me therapy is about building a trusting and safe relationship where I can depend on the therapist to help guide my recovery. How I feel about her is just as important as the facts. I know this may not be true for everybody, but it is the way it works for me.....less of a focus on facts and more on relationship.

[ECHOES]

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How do you get through that in therapy? Is this something I should disclose at the start of a new relationship?

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Yes tell your therapist this is one of the things you struggle with. It sounds scary to do, but it can be such a relief to have it out there where you both know about it. It would be very helpful to the therapist to know this so s/he can help you with it.

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my goal is to stick with it

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SingleGirl, this is an admirable goal and so important.

I also am committed to not stopping (running away from) therapy this time. And lucky for me, early in the relationship, my T told me to "trust the process" when I was feeling discouraged.

Everything you wrote here, all your concerns and fears about therapy, the therapist.... share them with your therapist when you have them; they are all important.

Are you excited too?!

[Flowerb]

I think you have to ask yourself what it means to show he whole you to everyone. I believe we really ARE different people in different settings. I am my children's mother - they do not need to see my depression or know my history. I am the boss at work - again, I keep my angst under wraps as well as I can. With some of my friends, I'm more open, vulnerable and sad...with others, I'm a complete smart-*****, the one with the funny stories, etc. The whole me means there are different parts of me - and I'm only going to let a very few people see all the different parts.

The idea of being authentic without full disclosure is one I've struggled with a lot. I was truely not seen as a child and now I'm really good at hiding in plain sight. But I've come to realize that I can be authentic and appropriate. It isn't wise to trust everyone with everything. My goal is to trust a few people with the scary stuff.

That said...in therapy, I think you show the parts of you that you've been unable to show out in the world. (otherwise, why go to therapy?) But this takes trust and guts - a mixture I think. I jumped around with therapists for a little while trying to find the "right one." I finally figured out that I wasn't staying long enough to know if they were right. So I committed to the process and struggled with the relationship. I've now been in therapy for 5 years with the same therapist. I don't believe he knows everything because I still don't know myself completely, but we are getting there.

Good luck with this. It feels awful to feel unknown, even if you know you are the one hiding yourself.

[kim_johnson]

Sometimes gently does it. Sometimes people have this notion that in order to work at therapy they need to go along with all these problems. Or that in order to work at therapy they need to tell all kinds of stuff. A lot of people have a lot of different preconceptions of what therapy is supposed to be about and what 'working at therapy' consists in.

Sometimes people push themselves a bit much. I know I do sometimes. I know I've pushed myself a bit much when I open up stuff and am really plagued by it through the week. Or if I really really really don't want to go back.

I think therapy can be something of a dance. Sharing something intimate and hard, then backing off a little and sharing a joke and / or a smile. I think it is about the relationship, too, as DePressMe said. The thing to do is to go along and say that you really didn't want to go along. To say that you worried that your therapist wasn't responding well to what you were saying, or that you were scared that they didn't like you or whatever.

Therapy is hard sometimes. Sometimes the most meaningful / theraputic moments come unexpectedly. When we are vulnerable and say that we are ashamed of something and when we receive a kind and empathetic smile. Maybe the thing to do is to slow down. Take some time to build trust and be gentle with yourself.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Single Girl,

Easy goes it! Take your time to build a trusting relationship with a T and disclose only what you want to and only when you feel you can.

I know exactly what you mean about being different in different situations--my T calls them self states.

Just take it slow and trust your knowing--trust your heart to tell you when the time is right. This work takes a lot of time.

Peace

[SingleGirl]

Thank you all, this is VERY helpful and I'm trying to figure out how to save it to revisit it over the next several months.

I went into 2008 with excitement... I was convinced this would be the best year of my life... the 29th year... a transformational year.

It has been the most difficult year... one thing after another... my lowest point. So, I need therapy now more than ever.

Thank you again. These words are helpful...