I had a session today and I have a session tomorrow and then he's leaving until the 23rd

I guess the good thing is that I feel really, really connected to him right now.

The bad thing is I'll miss him. I'm scared I'll need him and he won't be here. Ugh.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))

[SingleGirl]

Sending hugs. Feel better soon!

PS, must be nice to have multiple vacations, huh?

Be well!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))

I went to T today for my last session before his vacation and I cried - a LOT. That's the second time I've cried in therapy, ever - and last time it was more just tears rolling down my face. This time it was sobbing.

This vacation brings up SO many feelings about therapy for me. It really highlights that he's not really available to me. I mean, I do get that, but I don't really "feel" it, because when he's in town he is VERY available - he always returns my phone calls, I can e-mail him as much as I want, I can get extra appointments if I need to. I just, JUST started to feel really safe and accepting of the therapeutic relationship. It was really hard work to get to this point. And now, right when I feel this way, to have him leave - it hurts.

I sat in his office weeping and said things I NEVER thought I would say out loud - "I want you all to myself" stands out in my mind. He was understanding and compassionate. I really wanted to withdraw - to turn off my feelings, to disconnect, to not care. But he encouraged me to go ahead and feel the sadness, and the connection, and the caring.

About 20 minutes before the end of session he came and sat on the other end of the couch. And then he reached out his hand for mine and held my hand. We talked some more, and I rested my head on the folded blanket on the back of the couch, and listened to his voice, and just wanted to drift off to sleep. I felt so tired, and safe.

He asked if I could feel sad, but still feel connected, and I realized it's one of those gray areas. It's not - he's leaving, he doesn't care, this relationship is not real, I'm not going to have any feelings. It's...I'm safe, he does care, my access is limited, it makes me feel sad. A much more painful spot - but much more true, and real.

He's going to leave me a phone message to have while he's gone. I'm going to miss him.

[splitimage]

(((earthmama))))

I'm sorry that your T is going on vacation - I hate it when mine leaves town. But I've kind of gotten used to it, because she's forever going off lecturing or being an expert witness. I find it helps to use my "regular" therapy time to think about stuff, and write down whatever comes up, so that I remember to discuss it with my T when she's back.

--splitimage

(((((((EM))))))))))

i know... i leave messages when i don't need a call back, but it's safer when i feel he is there... when he is away the messages arent being heard.. no one is there.

Maybe you can write him a real paper letter. Go shop for really nice paper, like the kind with flowers in the paper... write him something special that tells him how you feel about him or therapy or how he is helping you. Write him something he would keep. It will help you feel connected to think about those things.

It would be up to you to mail it, give it or keep it yourself... but i'd mail it.. i'd be all excited for him to check his mail when he got home.

[Kiya]

EM, how are you doing out there?

I am sad, too - MD went out of town and i didn't even know it until just a few minutes ago when i called in with my required weekly report and her assistant's voice had a voice message on there saying MD would (also) be gone until the 23rd. *cries* I didn't even leave my message. Even though i see her once a month, just *knowing* she's in town is helpful. Now i can't even listen to her voice on the voice mail =( Especially since i had such an ***** kicking from my own t, i really extra miss my MD.

Sigh, so anything you are doing for yourself in the selfcare department? PM me anytime you want - we'll get through together.

[kim_johnson]

I empathize so much. It sounds like he was nice. holding your hand and stuff. I don't think my therapist would touch me. Or sit next to me. I think I'd freak out if he tried, though. I'd flinch or something. Might trigger me to disappear :-( He jumped up to offer me a tissue once and he saw me freak, so I don't think he would try anything like that. But it is sad, though. 'Cause I imagine him holding me sometimes. But then, in my imagingings, I can't even be two years old :-(

[Mouse_]

Earthmama, T's absence is so hard...I;ve tried so many different ways of trying to get through them..from denial of hving any feeling, to making myself think about it, and it still hurts,..but there a moments when I feel T as if she is within me and I smile and that makes me feel warm...the pain of the breaks dont' get much easier for me after these yrs, but I guess the feeling of having part of her still with me has grown...