[SingleGirl]

Ok, please know that these are my thoughts and they aren't intended to harm anyone. What I'm going to say could be perceived as disrespectful but if you have a moment to read the entire post, you'll see that I was just working through some of my own issues. This post details a whole process. Thanks for letting me share.

So, I found the site and I started reading. Initially, I was incredibly freaked out by the transference issues going on here in black and white. I work in the field and it made me examine some of my own professional relationships with clients as well as my previous relationships with my therapists. I found it impossible to imagine a world where I would become so attached to someone in the therapist's role.

So, here I am 3 weeks in and I've realized... I've experienced transference issues exactly like what I've read on the board. More troubling, it was never with a therapist. I have elevated various guys to the "T" position, used them as such, gotten overly attached, professed my feelings, then, cut all ties. I've done this at least a half dozen times over the last 11 years.

Wow, I'm glad I figured that out but what the heck do I do with that information now?

I've treated my therapists as things to be kept at a distance and entertained with a false effort and I've dumped the whole lot of my issues onto the lap of innocent males. I'm trying to make a list, figure out their similarities, how things went down. I think I always knew that the affection I felt wasn't "love" love... but more of an exaggerated response to intimacy. I always cut those ties within a few months of starting to feel those warm-fuzzies.

This is heavy stuff. Thank you guys for being brave enough to share what you've went through (and are going through) because I don't think I would have EVER made the connection if I hadn't gone through the process of evaluating my own role as a client. It is something I've never done before... For the first time, I can admit that I looked @ C (last guy I used and ditched) as an unofficial therapist. That was SO unfair to those guys. That was so unhealthy for me. Ugh.

I'm even starting to wonder if that's why I'm single @ 29. Is it because I'm looking for a man to sit in a corner, listen, offer some positive feedback, and never progress beyond that exchange of ideas?

Thanks for letting me share this... the words are hard to come by these days. For whatever reasons, I've slipped into a place that I haven't been in for at least 12 years and it's scary. Hope you are well.

[Rapunzel]

I think that's a pretty incredible realization you made. Now that you understand it, you can observe your relationships with your new-found perspective and make some changes. I think there is a lot there to explore with a therapist if you have one now or if you are thinking about giving therapy another try.

You aren't the first to learn essential things about how therapy is supposed to work from being here. And if you don't know what you are supposed to do in therapy, you don't get anywhere. I never knew how to talk about the things that matter or have any kind of emotionally close relationship. I did have some attachment to the 7th therapist I went to. I've been seeing my 8th therapist for almost 4 years now, and have been here at PC for almost 5, and I think I kind-of have it figured out now. Oh, yeah, and not to mention getting a master's degree in counseling and becoming a therapist (student intern). I honestly would not have figured out how therapy is supposed to feel from my training. Maybe some people would, but not people who have never learned how to have emotionally close relationships. Some of my classmates still seem to keep everyone, including their clients, at a distance. I wonder if all of the therapists I went to knew how those feelings are supposed to work.

So, maybe now you can get close enough to a therapist to start healing, and eventually be able to let a relationship with a romantic partner progress to real closeness, or even love.

Oh, and transference happens in all of our relationships with anybody. Just not usually as intensely as in therapy (or other intimate relationships).

[Fuzzybear]

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Rapunzel said:
I think that's a pretty incredible realization you made. Now that you understand it, you can observe your relationships with your new-found perspective and make some changes. I think there is a lot there to explore with a therapist if you have one now or if you are thinking about giving therapy another try.

You aren't the first to learn essential things about how therapy is supposed to work from being here. And if you don't know what you are supposed to do in therapy, you don't get anywhere. I never knew how to talk about the things that matter or have any kind of emotionally close relationship. I did have some attachment to the 7th therapist I went to. I've been seeing my 8th therapist for almost 4 years now, and have been here at PC for almost 5, and I think I kind-of have it figured out now. Oh, yeah, and not to mention getting a master's degree in counseling and becoming a therapist (student intern). I honestly would not have figured out how therapy is supposed to feel from my training. Maybe some people would, but not people who have never learned how to have emotionally close relationships. Some of my classmates still seem to keep everyone, including their clients, at a distance. I wonder if all of the therapists I went to knew how those feelings are supposed to work.

So, maybe now you can get close enough to a therapist to start healing, and eventually be able to let a relationship with a romantic partner progress to real closeness, or even love.

Oh, and transference happens in all of our relationships with anybody. Just not usually as intensely as in therapy (or other intimate relationships).

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[nightbird]

Wonderful post Rap,

and Single Girl, i understand what you are saying.

please continue to write out your issue as you realize it, and hopefully you will be able to turn this around for yourself, and possibly others.

i have used my guy as a T because i don't have one presently, and it does not work - as you know. we change what the relationship was meant to be.

anyway, thanks for posting this important issue. it applies to those in therapy also, who go overboard with their therapist-patient relationship.

peace and respect,
nightbird

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( Singlegirl )))))))))))))))
Thank you for sharing your experience, I now realize that I have also done this in my relationship with my husband before I was in therapy. I hope you can find a way to have the information that you have learned help your situation.

Thanks for sharing that, Singlegirl. What a powerful thing for you to realize! Seeing our patterns can be the first step towards changing them, and really healing.