[Kiya]

in an earlier post i had said "Thankfully i will be seeing my divinely sent MD. and am working up to telling her something really important but also something i have a lot of shame around. it has to be written or the alters will switch so that she only gets the "best" side of us. I'm still not sure i can hand it to her, but it has a big impact on my health, and is really important. i'm just scared about it. i haven't even given it to T yet. "

i just left her office - and cried all the way home. she pretty much played "T" today since mine is out and she cares so much about my totaly health.
I'm scared and panicked and the body is hurting. mountains in to molehills... i know... but it was about my living conditions here w/mom and how it plays directly into my health. So MD was brainstorming ways to get me out of here and wants to show what I wrote to my T so they can brainstorm together. I'm switching - i'm afraid - i'm thinking mom's gonna KILL me if/when she finds out. and i'm getting the old knee pains i did as a kid.
i was so ashamed of the info but MD said she not only understood it, but came from the same background. I couldn't meet her eyes and she very kindly, but with an order, said "look at me". i could for only a second. I nearly switched several times there but she keept talking me through it and got me to stay present.
I could also see the tears and old ghosts of the past in her eyes, too. I think it was hard for her to read as it was for me to let her.
The system is fearful of the outcome. We knew these risks upon writing it... and didn't know if we could hand over the letter.... but now it is done. and i have to breathe and try to keep calm.
k

[Simcha]

That is SOOOOOO excellent Kiya!
Even though it was scary, and maybe embarrassing, you overcame a HUGE fear today!!!

I wouldn't worry about what your mother thinks. She's probably just living in fear (and yet unwilling to make the necessary changes).

It's only you that has to be happy with living with yourself. Good job Kiya!!!!!

[mel4]

I know it probably doesn't feel like it now (actually it probably does!), but you really accomplished soo much today!! I've been reading your posts, and I'm so happy you've finally brought out this issue to your MD. Keep on chugging, Kiya, you will make it.

[Kiya]

Ty simcha and mel.....omg i am taking this hard. i have sooo much pain in my head and legs. Grrrrr.

MD asked me if i had any friends or family - anyone i could visit, where i could go (i thought she meant move). Then she said, "no where to go to give your mind a rest, eh?"
@_@

I just wrote to T so that she'd have some knowledge before MD come bursting in with my letter. I also had time to process out all the fears - not that i set them at ease, but at least t knows them now. And can tell me which are false (i hope all).
MD also raised my med dosage.
i gotta lie down a bit....

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know it was hard, but you DID IT! Good for you.

I hope the outcome is more peace and health for you.

[Kiya]

me too (thank you) and not "we've decided that to provide your mind some rest, we are hospitalizing you."
Huh - there's a fear I didn't tell t.

oh md did say to me "is it your mom that's driving you crazy"? and then covered her mouth like "ooops, i didn't mean to tell you i really think you're crazy - i meant to keep that to myself."

[Simcha]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
me too (thank you) and not "we've decided that to provide your mind some rest, we are hospitalizing you."
Huh - there's a fear I didn't tell t.

oh md did say to me "is it your mom that's driving you crazy"? and then covered her mouth like "ooops, i didn't mean to tell you i really think you're crazy - i meant to keep that to myself."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Kiya-

LOL@ MD mom comment.
I don't think she meant that she thought YOU were the crazy one, but rather that your mom is the cause of a lot of the stress and that your mom makes you FEEL crazy. She probably realized it came out wrong, hence the "OOPS." Since she came from a similar background, I'm sure she understands that part completely. It's also a little bit inspiring that your PDOC came from a similar difficult background, and was able to overcome it, and is now helping others in difficult situations.

I think the fear of both hospitalization, and the perception of others, is a common reason why a lot of people aren't very open to their T and/or PDOC about the personal problems that they have difficulty in overcoming. It's not always an unfounded fear either, unfortunately. I'm glad your PDOC isn't quick to judge.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))))))

[MissCharlotte]

Hey ((Kiya))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think it was hard for her to read as it was for me to let her.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You took the brave path of the warrior.

Once recently I asked T what was the point of all of this and he said there has to be freedom at the end. I think you just freed up yourself in some way. Your story beautifully illustrates the risks we have to take in order to taste that freedom. BIG HUGS.

[chaotic13]

((((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))))))

You were really really brave. I could not have handed it to her. When I have hard stiff I mail it so it is read when I am not around. That took a lot of guts. Sounds like your MD understands which is good.

Good luck.

[pachyderm]

[Kiya]

Thanks Simcha, Gimmieice, Miss, Chaotic, Pachy,

Good points - i really needed to see these today. I've been in a state of panic; even dreaming (now i know it was a dream) again that my MD was saying "Look at me" because i coldn't meet her eyes.

SHe does totally understand - and Simcha, thanks for the insight about the crazy mom comment - i remember now that once MD said her mom and mine could be twins!

Chaotic - usually she asks me if she can read what i have brought while i am there. This time i prefaced it with "i've been debating whether or not to give this to you" and she took it right away and began. *gulp!* and i dissociated on spot. But this understanding was one reason i gave it to her and not t - T is not only a PsyD but also a RN and PMHNP so the issues I am dealing with really run counter active to her being a nurse. (i know, I'm being vague - I still can hardly face this).

Yes freedom...Miss...somewhere supposedly that is the goal. And it also freaks me out as much as i want that goal.
MD said "In order for you to heal, do you need to be out of your mom's house?" YES!!! "Good! I knew that, but I needed to hear you say it." and today i can't stop shaking. oh wait - maybe that is the increase in meds.... =(
thanks all - i really really appreciate the responses. i'm nearly sick with anticipation and fear.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
MD said "In order for you to heal, do you need to be out of your mom's house?" YES!!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Kiya, that is so exciting to have that realization and be able to share it with someone who understands and wants to help. I hope you will hold fast to that knowledge and pursue your path to healing.

[Kiya]

thanks sunrise, i am really trying to. MD wants to help so much and it scares me so much!!
You know how we all take things and then run them through our messed up filters?? Well, MD was saying what worked for other ppl and how i could try these things - which would mean my going away and working like 5 hours from here. So that to me translated as "she wants me to go away! She's trying to get rid of me!!!"
I *know* that is not true, but it FEELS true. you know??? I'm afrad of what she's going to come up with - if i have to turn down the ideas! Then I'll seem ungrateful or worse.
*breathing*