Chaning our thoughts.

Yesterday we were talking about adoption again. How she said I am unable at the moment to see that adoption doesn't always have to be a negative experience, that it can be a possitive experience. And I know if she had adopted me I'd be over the moon.

I mentioned how the upcoming break feels just as painful as being told I was adopted, that same sense of loss. T was trying to tell me how even taking care of anothers baby is natural to the human speices in the majority, we as a speices if we saw a baby alone wouldnt leave it.

I said when I read postive adoption stories I do get envious, I wish I could say my adoptive parents were great, and T said, or even just normal?

I keep screwing up my forehead trying to understand what it is she is trying to show/teach me, and I think this time I am beginning to see that if I could learn to re-think things in a different way, I could change my life. T said the sadistic way your adoptive mother constantly told you about the your adoption has caused some of the "damge". This conversation has been going over and over in my mind. What if I can let go of the pain of the adoption and see that its my mothers sadism that destroys me and not the adoption as such? What if I begin to let myself see adoption as not the awfulliest thing on this earth? perhaps then other events in life will become less awful? LIke T's vacations they become something that also contains some joy, joy at the anticipation of her return? Instead of the fear that once she's gone I will never see her again and I will be left with tormented thoughts ? Like I was given tormenting tales of my adoption? where nothing good was told? what if I re tell my story? What if I add a bit to it? That I was unlucky to have had 2 sets of not good enought parents? but fortunate enought to have met a very good therapist that helps me change all the negatives? Or at least helps me find the good in somethings? what if I refuse to allow that dark cloud of childhood to hamper my today? what is stopping me from doing that? I think its time, its time to wave goodbye to the negatives and trust that life isn't all just negatives, theres joy waiting as well? It feels strange, it feels like I'm walking on my hands and not my feet, but I think all change feels strange at first? Today is the first day of change, I am throwing my old script away and writing my own.

Mouse is growing.

And I am getting jealous.