[lauren_helene]

My last session was pretty intense. I let out some anger in front of T that I haven't done before...told him some things I felt towards my parents that I've never told anyone.

2.5 years later and he has seen some anger but not like last session. I have another one tonight and am wondering how it will go.

The way I'm feeling, T doesn't need to say much that might make me do something stupid like quit, walk out the door and go off on him.

I'm already brewing because lately my standing 7pm appt has been moved up to 615. Now that is better than canceling of course but I'm wondering if this is a sign that my 7pm may not be possible soon.

T did say he might change his hours months back but never heard anything since then.

I guess my fear is he will give 7pm to someone else. We had a discussion a few weeks ago about him ending abruptly on me one night. He goes over 5 or 10 mins sometimes if I am having a rough time. He was defensive a little bit, we had a small tiff and it was over.

Since I'm his last appt I'm wondering if he wants to switch me so he doesn't need to feel tense over the time.

Or perhaps I should stop obsessing either way, it's on my mind!

Lauren,

I know what you mean about anger! I went through that "negative transference" with my T about five months ago that lasted about three months. I said and did things that I wish I hadn't done, but the anger was so overwhelming. I felt so impulsive and out of control.

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2.5 years later and he has seen some anger but not like last session.

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Interestingly, it took me 2.5 years for my rage to emerge. It's so frustrating.

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The way I'm feeling, T doesn't need to say much that might make me do something stupid like quit, walk out the door and go off on him

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During the three negative months, I took most everything T said in a negative light. I told him that everything that was spoken was somehow traveling down my neural pathways to the trauma center. It was like I COULDN'T hear the positive in things that he said.

I quit once, called the receptionist out of anger, and said, "Cancel ALL of my appointments." Thank goodness my T emailed me and said that my appointments were still open. I "went off on him", but in email form. I wrote some horrible things that I do regret.

I hear you about your time slot and that you think T may be doing something "against" you. ((((Lauren)))) Make sure you bring this up with him so this problem can be solved.

I've written my experience with my anger and my T because I want you to know that you're not alone. I want you to know that your intense emotions arising from your therapeutic relationship can be the most difficult/unnerving experience to navigate! I don't know if this helps, but you will make it through this! My relationship with my T is better now than it was before. Don't fear your anger, let your T know how you feel. I guess, just try to verbalize your intense emotions rather than acting on them (which is what I did). Either way, though, I know you are going to get through this. I'm here for you if you need me. Feel free to PM me. Take care.

[lauren_helene]

Thanks so much Solairee, I remember some of what you went through and it was tough.

If I said cancel all my appts I doubt he call me. I would hope if it ever got to that point that he would call but something tells me he wouldn't.

Anyway, you are right and we will talk about it tonight no doubt. If they are in fact doing away with the 7pm time that is fine I just need to know.

Ambivalence for Lauren = Chaos!!!!