So far I have gone two and a half times with H (the last time he had to come directly from work so he had to get there a half hour after me).

I am used to having therapy by myself. I am used the emotional responses that therapy. I am used to being able to experience and express them in the safety of T.

Now I am in marriage therapy, experiencing intense emotional responses, and essentially having H plus a stranger in the room.

H has been quite open during therapy-- in fact, he is the opposite of how I thought he would be-- he rambles on and on, and the poor therapist can't get a word in, lol.

Consequently, when the therapist asks me what my thoughts are, I tearfully say, "I am not sure.." while being in a partially dissociative state.

I did say a couple of things that H was really glad I said. We both agreed that we will be able to accomplish things in our relationship, while being in therapy, that we would not be able to do on our own.

But I sort of hate it. I can't express anything. I don't feel safe. I have my "way" in therapy; things that happen to me, regardless of who the therapy is, or who is in the room... and I only want to experience that with T.

[MissCharlotte]

Do you feel like you are cheating on him? (T)

I know I would. I am just not ready yet for this. We have tabled any thoughts of marriage therapy for the time being. Yeah, I'm a whimp.

You know, when H came to T's with me for a few couples sessions he blabbed his head off as well, and I felt left out. I wondered why also, because he had been resistant initially as well.

Take it slow. Do you go every week? Maybe you can cut back to every other?

(((((((pink))))))))))

[Slippers]

I think you'll find that you can have yet another completely diff relationship with this T. Like, it probably took a while for it to sink in how completely bizzare our relationships with a good T can be....? But, bizzare in a good way.

Now you have a completely NEW dynamic to encorporate into your concept of what relationships can be like. Now you have 3-somes! You have H plus a helper. Really, how cool is that? You will adjust to H talking so much - it's a good thing after all. And, you can ask you MT to to give you some alone time too...like 1/2 a session occasionally, or some phone time. That will allow you to express some of this discomfort.

You just need some time to adjust to all this change and find your place in this new setting. You WILL adjust and you will find your stable place to speak from. It may just take a few sessions to settle in to this new environment!! Give yourself a break snookums! It's new and scary. Take it all in, and KNOW that you are growing. That's really wonderful.

Slippers

[chaotic13]

(((pink))) I think I would have a lot of difficulty being comfortable talking with my T in the room.

[sunrise]

Pink, sounds like you have discovered couples therapy isn't easy or fun. It's hard, but the rewards can be great--a stronger marriage. It sounds like your H is very much on board with therapy and working to make things better. This is FANTASTIC!

You have only had a couple of sessions, so it's no wonder you aren't completely safe yet. You will have to build trust, just like you did in individual therapy. It is extra hard because there are 3 of you there. My T said to me when I began couples therapy, that there are 3 clients in the room, the husband, the wife, and the marriage, and he has to take care of and attend to all 3. So when it seems like your H is the center of attention for a moment, just sit back and wait. You will have a chance to express yourself and ask for what you need. If you are dissociating, you can ask the T for help staying present. I dissociated sometimes in couples therapy as it was just too painful, and when T figured it out, he would take special care to bring me back by checking in with me more frequently, making eye contact, asking how I was doing, etc.

It's OK for you to be a different way with your T than with your H and the new T together. It's a different dynamic and needn't be the same. You can still have the "your way" that you are missing when you are in individual therapy.

Hang in there with this. It will be worth it.

[lauren_helene]

Pink, my husband and I are in couples therapy and on the first session this T ended up in the bathroom at the same time as me after we ended.

No one else was in there and she asked me about using a certain diagnosis...I almost fainted. The next time H and I were discussing appropriateness of dress or not in front of our son.

This T said at my insistence that my son not see more of mommy or daddy than he needs to "isn't this really more about you than H?"...I said huh? "yes it seems as if there is something there..." I said oh like sexual abuse in my history?

Her response to that? OH YES, IT IS SO SO OBVIOUS THAT YOU HAVE THAT BACKGROUND. Okay, I immediately called my T in a panic, almost insane and he calmed me.

Oh but then we had the 16 day break I never knew about so I crashed, came up and then crashed again.

Dontcha just love therapy sometimes? I guess the point is no these are not our normal therapists and yes you are right, they are going to shake us up a bit.

In my case, it is getting easier and I bet it will for you too

[little*rhino]

hey lovey...

maybe you can shift how you are thinking about this from the get-go... like maybe you are still viewing it through the same lens. This isn't therapy about your own deeper issues, even though it cant be entirely removed from them, you can maybe try to file them away for dealing with T. Maybe you can see this as about "us" rather than "you." Not trying to be critical, seriously.

i'm just thinking that maybe due to your own therapy and doing individual therapy with others, maybe you have sort of predefined therapy and have conditioned responses?

one thing is to take notes to stay grounded and then have those for your own T. i doodle, but hey, whatever works.

im sorry it's hard. Personally i will never go to marriage therapy again - ever. i mean, if or when i remarry. It was such a disaster that i personally will never do it. Our situation was far different however, so you know i don't mean to say that should apply to everyone.

much love

[Sannah]

Hi Pink, does this same scenario happen in your marriage too? He talks and you have difficulty expressing to him how you are feeling?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sannah said:
Hi Pink, does this same scenario happen in your marriage too? He talks and you have difficulty expressing to him how you are feeling?

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No. I am quite expressive, but sometimes dissociative. Emotions that are elicited in the therapy situation are usually not as intense as what comes out at home.

[Sannah]

Hmmmm, I wonder what is inhibiting you in therapy then?