one potato, two potato

i'm having trouble with moods/anxiety/social phobia right now.. possibly hormonal again, possibly just a breakdown - again. Either way, i can't leave the house, answer the phone... i've been crying for no real reason or for little reason. i left T a message but did not ask him to call back.. our arrangement is that he won't unless i ask. i see him tomorrow

i'm paralyzed with indecision and fear. i need to cancel at least one session between now and the end of the month. After that i need to go to once per week for a while, for financial reasons. i've needed to do this before but didn't... in part because i couldn't bring myself to do it and partly because my life has been so chaotic that i have needed him there. To be honest, i HAVE cancelled some and then had to take someone else's cancelation because something exploded in my life.

that is a huge part of it... never knowing just when the next explosion will be... it's not in my hands. It comes from many directions. How can i tell which is the best road to take? i have done best when i see him 2xweek (check back if you know me, see how the panic posts have dwindled?). i just do better. i'm distraught about this.

im hiding in my apartment. i haven't answered the phone nor gone outside. i am just frozen in fear and indecision.

Sometimes it's good to make any decision when we're stuck. like, just pick whatever. The decision making itself can help us get unstuck. Why don't you try the once per week and commit to a few weeks of that and see if it helps. at least you won't be waffling, the do I or don't I change to once per week thing.

((((((((((((((( candika ))))))))))))))))))))

I'm kind of out of it right now, but wanted to at least send hugs and love.

Have you asked your T about a reduced rate to continue 2x per week? I feel better 2x per week too, so I understand.

Hang in there...

((((((((((em)))))))))))))) ty for our talk btw... i felt so much better. much love to you girlfriend. But no.. i haven't.. i know he would never do it for me to continue at 2x.. i keep holdng out this hope that he might do such a thing if i were to need to stop or reduce it down even further. im really feeling sick about reducing... so much better and functional with 2x

you're right wb.. i read what you said.. you are so right. ANY decision is better than suffering like that.

i made it out and i ran two errands, badly but they are done. i cried.. i paced.. i called and left a message for T and i sat for a long time in my car before each errand... but i DID make it out.

ty for helping

Ohhh, Candika

I wish I could think of one thing that would help the isolation, crying and pacing. The only thing I can say is that I really do understand. It just feeds on itself. The more you feel that way, the worse it gets. Round & round.

My t. made me promise to do one of my art projects even if my hands were shaking too bad to do it. I love to scrapbook & do beading. Better yet, there is a studio close to my house and I literally force myself to get in the car and go make a mosaic frame or a beaded necklace or something. I sit quietly, alone where I don't have to talk and I concentrate completely on what I am doing. It does help center me and it helps with the painful, physical part of anxiety.

Like I said, I wish I had something constructive to add. But please know that i am full of empathy for you right now.

tulips

Maybe you could alternate 2x one week, 1x the next?

((((Candika))))