I didn't know where to post this... yet I feel... so terrible... I wanted to "get it out there"....

I feel where this post belongs is in the DID.. forum - yet not really...

I am DID... yepper... and on the severe end of DID....

I entered therapy.. almost 24 years ago... and when the Therapist told me the DX... he said the good news is you are not "XYZ"...and the bad news is that you are DID... the good news that I was not "XYZ" - was because that is considered incurable ... those are HIS words NOT mine... and remember this was 24 years ago.. in a very conservative area.. where mental illness.. was not acknowledged..

My first T.... "became a running loop"... about how lucky I was that I had DID - that it did save my life... BUT more importantly... it was curable...

The "cure"... was to be 7 years long... and then I would be what is called "integrated".... the average length of time.. HE said... was 7 years...

So 10 years into therapy... I have been working my tail off.. going 3-4 times a week... putting alot of personal money into it... going lunch hours.. because I was a single parent... waiting for the "cure" to happen..trying will all my might to do what I must do.. to get this cure to happen....

This was before sites like this... before the internet... before.. you would hear anyone talk about disaccosiation in general....

It was called MPD - Multiple Personality Disorder....

So... from the beginning.. I got the idea.. that the magical "cure" was out there - once I "found it".... things would be wonderful..

Should I mention at this point that my T.. married one of his patients???

I quit.. him..

And found a T that worked with children - he took me on.. though did not "do" adults..because I have child alters.. I told him I did not want to focus on the "cure"... I wanted to learn how to live life.. calmer... focus.. on what I can to make life better..

Things were better.. and then he took after 3-4 years a management type job.. he was gone..

so there were therapists here.. there... Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Current time... my T - I have been with for almost 2 years - he treats DID.. is good... has treated one other DID patient thru to integration....not 7 years.. I believe 14.. or 17 years...

And.. its BACK.... "THE CURE"............

INTEGRATION - the cure all for...everything that ails you.. as a DIDer...

And my frustration level is rising.. and rising.. and rising....

And I tried talking to him about it... how it makes me feel.. that there is this "cure"... and I am supposed to know how to get it... but keep failing..

And I asked him... please.. please ... could we not work towards integration... but on just everyday things..

The answer "NO"......

So... I feel... lied to... that there is this mystical cure "integration"... and... when I entered therapy.. I just wanted to work on managing my life better - our agreement...

And.. it "hit me like a ton of bricks"..

there is "no cure"......lied to by my first T... lied to by my current T...

I don't know how to explain it.. to others what a profound impact this has on my thinking... and... yes how "stupid" I feel for believing this for 24 years... and not questioning.. always.. working.. and working towards a goal... that I cannot possibly ever obtain...

So... my T... and I are at a real impass.... I say there is a .001 chance that I will achieve.. this.. thereby impossible by definition... and he saying "everything" is possible...

I don't know what to do... truly... with my life.. with my DID... with everything... it is as if the blindfold.. has been ripped away from my eyes.. and I can see...for the first time in my life.... and everything is "foreign" to me... because I have never "seen" it before....

What am I looking for.. in this post????

Help.....what do I do next????

quitting therapy after 24 years... would be a major.. major adjustment...

finding a new T.... well have been thru alot of T.. in the area... and was lucky to find this one.. that takes my insurance....

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......

[cafegrrrl]

I am probably not one to take advice from but that just doesn't sound right to me. I'm new to the mental health and therapy game (being on this side of the fence, anyway), but I always believed that the relationship with patient and therapist is supposed to be like a dance.
And the patient is supposed to be the one in the lead. Granted, the therapist is supposed to help the patient with whatever, but i think it's best for the help to be there when the patient is ready...and the therapist's job is to know when that is...and wait until then to address whatever...but possibly slowly guide the patient in that direction...if that makes any sense....

Based on that belief, sounds like either you need to find a new therapist (I know pain in the arse with the so called health care system, hmo's and etc), or again explain to your therapist your position. Possibly show him this post and see how he responds....

[RACEKA]

The most important thing in therapy is the relationship. Do you have a good relationship? Do you trust him? You should be able to work something out that you both can be happy with. Maybe one session you can work on integration and the next session you can work on everyday things. You do need to work on everyday things. Everyone in therapy needs to do that.

I'm working on trauma and we work on it every other week. My T said it's like surgery, you open the wound and then you close it up and give it time to heal. On the off weeks we work on whatever else I want to work on.

Hope you can work something out.

[serafim_etal]

I think the important thing to find out is, what is your T's definition of "integration"? It means different things to different people when it comes to DID. For some T's it means the system becoming one; to *most* (myself included) with DID, that is a horrifying prospect. This was also the "gold standard" goal of treatment for a very long time. My T has made it clear that her belief is that integration is sharing of thoughts, feelings, ideas, and memories (only if presenting a problem); so that the system can function as one. The goal is co-consciousness, the way to get there is her idea of what integration means. The way we do this is to work on any past stuff that comes up and work on day-to-day living stuff at other times, and sometimes at the same time. For example, work on a memory with a little one then in the same session, talk to "all" (she literally says "I'm talking to everyone, anyone who is listening and knows others aren't, please pass the message on"), to come up with ideas to get through the next week as a system. So, past and present, at the same time.

Now that I've rambled on and on...I think the first thing to do before you make any decisions is find out what your T means when "integration" is said. Then...depending on the answer you can either or .

W

We have discussed what integration means... and it is the "gold standard"....not just co-consiousness... or the "system" working well collectively together... so this... just makes me very anxious.. very, very anxious...

It also makes me feel very, very depressed.... because for me.. this is an unobtainable goal.... and yes I know in theory... it is possible.. and is done... but I am 52.... and have worked for this "goal" for 24 years... and well... I DON"T want IT... lol....I am 52.... want some peace.. some quiet.. some fun... in my life..(have always taken care of someone - my mom even at an early age, my ex-husband, my son)... it is my turn now...

Yet when I discussed... having "long term therapy" to help manage my everyday life - without integration...

he said: "I don't do that kind of work"..

Yet.. when I went to him... I told him that was what I was looking for.. though in all honesty - at the time he did not know I was DID... it was at one of those first couple of sessions...

So... I don't know.....

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr... confused...

[Kiya]

Free, I am confused too - t talks the same way. But i like serafim's answer, have copied it, and will take it in to T when i remember. I too want to know what her version is.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Freewill,

I have not been given a dx of DID but I have been told I was left unintegrated. And I have wondered what is so great about integration if it means that I feel worse than I did before. I have also been told I have complex ptsd.

I have come to the conclusion that "the cure" --f there is such a thing--will mean something different for each of us and that each of us will have to find the threshhold of ourselves that we are comfortable living with and loving.

I wonder if everything looks different to you now because you are integrating? I also wonder about any therapy where you are not the one to decide what to work on. It's your game you know. You should be able to take any session to any level you want.

I think that I will always want to have a T to talk to. My issues are too complex and it would be simplistic for me to think they will ever completely go away.

I wish you peace. Don't give up and get a new T if that's what you need!

[pachyderm]

You might try the book A Fractured Mind, by Robert B. Oxnam. It is a story of a therapy that progressed a lot but did not end with complete integration. The doctor was willing to let that happen; he seemed to me to be someone who knew what he was doing.