[hangingon]

I went to therapy today, and was so stressed out due to some major family issue going on since the death of my mom.

At that point I was going let out what I was thinking for some time about T.
My T has this thing where she asks me all the time if I took a risk with reaching out for more support, you know to people outside of therapy since she is not always going to be there.
Well in my mind I hate that, I hate that she always asks me that because I already feel like crap for not being able to do that. I mean I have friends, I am a full time nursing student, so I am out around people alot. I just don't open up to them. My relationship with them is very superficial.

Anyways, I have not opened up to my T a ton yet and I have been seeing her for 8 months now. I have never showed her anger ect.

Today being in the state I was in I just started to cry and said I hate being asked about that all the time. She said I am only doing it because it was one of the goals that you wanted, and I dont want you to be waisting your time. I would not be doing my duty as a therapist if I just let you stay stuck. I understand that. I told her that I already feel like crap that I can't do that, everytime I hear it, it makes me feel so inadequate.

Then I said there is more.( It was so hard to let this one out). I said since day one, you had wanted me to create supports outside of therapy. I took that as you just wanting me to rush and be done, to get rid of me in a sense. So I thought why open up, you don't really care.

Then I said there's more, she said when are you going to tell me the more. I thought, what the heck. So I said I saw a sign on your car with a counseling center. I googled it because I have never heard of it. She said yes I started my own practice. Where she lives, one hour away. I said so your going leave. She said I would never just leave, its unethical. I would have to let you know well in advance and we would work through this.

I said, thats the thing. I don't want to get into this deep with you only to have you down the road tell me you are moving on. I said I would rather be sent to someone else first. She said, I totally understand that, it would be very difficult to share all this stuff and have to do it all over again with someone else.

She said, I am not going to leave you, untill you are ready. Then she said, and when we are done, down the road, you can always come back and see me if something gets rough.
I felt somewhat better after hearing that. Though I have had so many people fail me, been put in fosters homes twice ect. That to me those are just words, its really hard for me to believe that. Which also makes it hard for me to trust people. I feel in the end they are going to fail me.

Then she said we will step back on my coaching you on getting outside support since its really bothering you at this point, we will work on other things until you are feeling more up to trying.

Then she did something she has never done before when therapy ended today. She usually walks me to the door in her office and opens it for me. This time she walked me to her office door, opened it up for me , then walked me all the way down the hallway to the door leading outside the buidling. I loved that she did that.

Anyways, thanks for your encouraging words in telling me to speak up to my T. It was so, so, hard to do but in the end I feel better although a bit more vulnerable. I hope to be able to speak up more, its really hard for me to do that. As I am sure it is for most of you as well.

Hangingon

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( hangingon ))))))))))))))
It sounds like you are doing good work in your therapy, I know that taking risks like that can be very scary.

WOW. Good for you!

I was nodding and nodding my head while reading your post. Those fears are so familiar to me....I used to be SURE that my T was trying to get rid of me. Thankfully, that fear is gone, but it took a lot - I mean A LOT - of talking about it. I would say that's probably what we've talked about in therapy more than ANYTHING else.

You just did such a GREAT job of opening up and telling her how you were feeling. And her response....to back off on the coaching...was great. She heard you and she cares.

I am so proud of you! What great work you did today

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Anyways, thanks for your encouraging words in telling me to speak up to my T. It was so, so, hard to do but in the end I feel better although a bit more vulnerable. I hope to be able to speak up more, its really hard for me to do that. As I am sure it is for most of you as well. Hangingon

OMG yes it is hard - that took huge courage and you did it! and you now have better clarity! It is only due to this site that i have also taken risks like that with t. I had seen online somewhere that t was thinking about moving to Africa in "a couple of years", which would have meant next year and I sat on that info for 8 months or something. I finally told her in an email and she confronted it last session - said I need to tell her when i see/hear things or have something that bothers me. She said she's traveling to Africa for a few weeks (not set up yet) to start up a new sister clinic to hers. But live there, no. *whew*. ALways best to ask what we are wondering, then we don't have to sit in the pain of not knowing. (((((((Hangingon))))))))))

[sunrise]

What a great session, hangingon. You risked A LOT and got back a lot in return. It was a story I loved reading.

[snowflakes]

(((((hangingon))))))

nice job there hangingon! believe me, it is just a beginning of great things ahead of you. keep it up! sometimes, taking big risk pays off. Godbless my friend!

>>>snowy...

[ECHOES]

Then she did something she has never done before when therapy ended today. She usually walks me to the door in her office and opens it for me. This time she walked me to her office door, opened it up for me , then walked me all the way down the hallway to the door leading outside the buidling. I loved that she did that.

Wow! I love that she did that too. What a wonderful way for her to show you that she is really there for you.

I'm so glad you took this risk that will help her help you and that seems to have already deepened the therapy relationship.

[MissCharlotte]

((hanginon))

Count me in with those who LOVE that she walked you down the hall. It seems like such a caring and loving gesture.

You are building a relationship with T by taking risks.

[hangingon]

Thank you all.

I feel like I still have a long way to go as far as totally trusting her. There are still some things I want to say but haven't got the nerve up to yet.

Its just huge, huge for me to trust. I don't think I have every totally trusted anyone in my whole life, so its hard to talk myself into doing it now.

I still osculate back and forth as to whether I really want to continue with therapy because it really stirs alot of emotions up and its making it so much harder in my every day life to deal with things.
Sometimes I think its making me worse.

Hangingon

[skeksi]

When you feel the trust, or enough of it, you will say the things you need to. Just like you were able to say those things yesterday. I am so impressed with the risk you took, and glad that it was worth it. Sounds like you and your T have a good relationship!

Originally Posted by hangingon

Its just huge, huge for me to trust. I don't think I have every totally trusted anyone in my whole life, so its hard to talk myself into doing it now.

I still osculate back and forth as to whether I really want to continue with therapy because it really stirs alot of emotions up and its making it so much harder in my every day life to deal with things.

I can really relate to both of the things you said here...

Trusting is a hard, and feels like an unbelievably huge risk when we've never done it before. It is SCARY. But I think that when you took a chance with your T at your last appointment, and did trust her, she showed you that she will treat that trust with respect and caring, and that you will be safe with her. It's hard, because the only way to know if it's really safe is to just jump in and try....but you did that, and it was really brave, and T rose to the challenge.

Therapy made things worse for me for quite a while before it started making things better. It's hard to stir all of this up and this just go on with our normal lives and not have them be affected somewhat. It's SO normal, that when I just started seeing Teacher T, she had me sign all of her usual forms, and one of the forms was all about how we might feel worse - a lot worse - before we feel better.

I still think it's worth it. The healing that goes on in therapy, when we finally let ourselves trust, is so deep, and I don't know any other way to heal those old wounds. I still go back and forth about trusting, staying in therapy, etc....but most of the time, I know that therapy is a gift I can give myself so that I can heal and grow and be whole.

((((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Hang in there - you are doing great.