I think I Quit

I am seeing my T to tomorrow and I don't want to go, but it's too late to cancel and I am going right after work--i like to unwind before I go to see T. Of course it's anxiety that's doing this to me. I feel like when I leave to see T, part of me checks out. It's like I leave part of myself or 85 percent of my brain at home. When I get to her office, not only am I anxious, but I feel completely zoned out and can barely think let alone talk. I am beginning to feel like a therapy dunce! As far as she knows I am just anxious, I haven't told her that I feel like part of me didn't walk into that office or that it feels like im not there at all and instead feels like a dream and that i wanna run out the door...I have never had anxiety manifest itself like that. I usually get agitated and edgy.

I dont think I can do this...

Last week was okay, but I struggled to tell the morsels of childhood memories I have and even those are choppy, except for a few things I things I remember which mainly encompass what living with certain people in my family was like... I am so zoned out when Im there that I can't stay with the conversation completely. I can't form the words to answer her questions, I can't tell her what Im feeling, most of the time I really don't know what I am feeling and I am wondering if I have ever had emotions at all or maybe I just lost them along the way somewhere. In any case, I am getting frustrated and I think she's getting frustrated.

I think I quit...

I don't want to go back ever again but if I don't I will hate myself. I already feel like Im losing control of myself. I am tempted to knock back a couple of drinks to loosen myself up before my appointment...but she'd probably be able to tell and I would feel guilty about it because i have already told her that I need to stop drinking. Maybe opening up to people is something I just can't do. and going to this therapist only proves that and because of it im going to be broken and lonely for the rest of my life. I resent my parents for turning me into this huge disaster of a human being. I didn't learn anything but fear and misery from them. Sometimes I feel like they had no business having children. I try to help myself when they didn't help me and im already failing<<<<sorry minor rant there im frustrated...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((lifelesstravelled)))))))))))))))))))))))))

It seems like whenever I read your posts, I'm sitting here nodding my head as I read. The feelings you are describing are SO familiar to me.

There are ups and downs to therapy for me. A LOT of the time, I feel like I left most of my brain at home. I'm just there with anxiety and this empty head. But I'm THERE. And being there, over and over again, week after week, month after month has made me feel safe with him - really safe most of the time - and sometimes I can bring a little more of myself there, and sometimes ALL of myself, and we move forward in leaps and bounds.

And then I get scared and want to quit and start leaving 85% of me at home again. But I keep going, week after week, month after month, and the safe feeling comes back, and the trust comes back, and we're able to move forward a little more.

You are NOT FAILING. I feel like I need to repeat that: YOU ARE NOT FAILING. This stuff is hard, it really is, and it sucks that we have to go through it. It does! But we can go, and give ourselves this gift, even though it doesn't feel like a gift right now. Our parents didn't give us what we needed and deserved, and that really hurts...but it's not to late for us to heal, and be whole, and happy.

Therapy is a SLOW PROCESS. It's up and down. It ebbs and flows. But it can only happen if we GO, even if we're just sitting there twiddling our thumbs and feeling uncomfortable most of the time, especially at first. The trust will come.

((((((((((((((((((((((lifelesstravelled))))))))))))))))))) Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. Let us know how it goes. You can do it.

Em is right!! I still struggle with this 10 months into it...but I was SO close to quitting many times. I would go home and be like "This is stupid. I can barely talk about anything in there. I'm wasting her time, my time and money, and maybe I just don't feel like most others! I'm fine!"

I told myself though that I would keep showing up, and that is what I've been doing. Slowly the giant gulf in the room has shrunk, and I don't sit every other minute in silence going "Yeah, I don't know what to say" I still have a long way to go as I told my T last week that "I don't have intense emotional feelings." I still don't think I really do...but she tends to disagree The one nice thing I've taken away is that she just accepts whatever I say no matter how irrational I'm being. It has been disconcerting, and yet has slowly worked itself into my brain.

Just let that steady support and acceptance work on you, because I don't know how---it does even when I fight it! Ha.

Oh, and the feeling like you are frustrating your T? I was right there with you! I would leave and berate myself by going "GREAT! You frustrate even your own therapist!!" and then just want to give up then. Looking back, it was ME who was frustrated, probably not her.

Me too. And it is really depressing me.

I hope your session went well for you.

You can do it! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other!

(((((((((((( lifelesstraveled )))))))))))))))))
I have been where you are it so frustrating, I agree with whats been posted above, if you stick it out it will get better even if it doesn't feel that way now.

Life, can you talk about these isssues with your T?

thanks guys....I don't want to goooooo 1.5 hours. My stomach is turning...I don't understand why I can't just friggin calm down. I really want to stop at a liquor store on the way and knock back a couple of mini bottles

I will try and bring up these issues with T today, that's IF i can bring my self to say more than 3 words in a sentence, which is usually "I don't know" or "maybe, I guess". I can think of everything I want to say to her, but when I get there the words won't come to me because. Sorry to sound juvenile, but this sucks!!!

Life, good luck! You can do it! You won't forget that you can't talk when you get there so bring it up?

It's very hard work. A lot of what you say reminds me of me. I saw the same therapist for 9 years, TWICE (total 18 years :-)

I don't recommend the liquor to feel better; I drank once before my session and wish I hadn't. The only way you can get over the anxiety is to keep "practicing", keep going and learning that nothing really bad happens and some good stuff does. It does take quite awhile to work on anxiety. I started therapy in 1970 and didn't "finish" until 2005. But I would definately do it all again if I had to!

Good luck!

okaaay I went. And I had a couple of panic attacks before the appointment and while I was in the waiting room.... Anyways, I feel better now that I am not there anymore. It went better than I thought. And I didnt have to drink any mini bottles of vodka! She told me that when I talk about my childhood that I don't get emotional about it...what's that question supposed to mean? I wonder if she was expecting some huge cryfest in there??? Who knows. Im just relieved it's over. I always feel like I am sitting in a torture chamber. On a good note: I talked more than I thought I would. And she's gave me more techniques to control my anxiety, though I am considering medication as it seems I have had issues with anxiety for longer(waaay longer) than I realized

Thanks guys!! You all are always so encouraging!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((lifelesstraveled)))))))))))))))))))))))

Go, you! You went, you talked, you did it! Awesome.

I just started anti-anxiety meds - I have mixed feelings about it, but it does make me feel a lot better in my day-to-day life.

Good work Life!

Oh, I sure as hell ID with this. And you put it so well. Its a b_____ that one.
I'm talking to him in my head all f209j43£$^ week, full of feeling, insight etc, then whe the time comes its all gone, and Im empty.
Once I get starte however, things come to life in various degrees. If your T. is good, I think this stage passes. I think its very human, and thanks for sharin this. It makes me feel better about mine. Anyway, you sure as hell can put over the experience here, and thats a good start surely.........?

river

(and you've got an acute sense of dry humour too, its all there!)

Thanks River. I feel like my sessions(although I have only had four) are getting...better....
This might be a dumb question: Dry humour? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I honestly don't intend to do it...lol. Maybe it's a natural talent?

[This might be a dumb question: Dry humour? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I honestly don't intend to do it...lol. Maybe it's a natural talent?[/quote]

oh, its your take on the book, Road less travelled that I call dry humor.

My life gets travelled far too much late at night and not enough during the day when I should achieve more. I get into this cyber world here, instead of here.........
is it life and is it travelling...?

oh, its your take on the book, Road less travelled that I call dry humor.

My life gets travelled far too much late at night and not enough during the day when I should achieve more. I get into this cyber world here, instead of here.........
is it life and is it travelling...?[/quote]

Ahh i see. You're not the first person to tell me that, that's why I finally just asked.