Is there anyone here who has gone through this and come out on the other side? Can you convince me that it is worth it?

I have so many layers of defenses built up, and every time I try to move through them a little bit, there is so much pain. And what will be there when I get through all of them? Do I even want to know?

I am really wondering right now if this journey is worth it. It seems that the more love and compassion that comes in my direction, the faster and farther I want to run. I don't understand myself at all.

I feel so lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))))))))
I am still on this journey of lowering the defenses too, and I agree that it so very hard. I can start to see glimpses of how it may be worth it but I am not through it yet so I am still struggling a lot with it. I am sending you lots of hugs.

[MINIME]

I dont know if its worth it but I know you are.

[Sannah]

Like I said on your other thread, could this be fear of intimacy?

[3velniai]

When I started therapy i felt like a dead man locked up in some jail that is behind lots and lots of walls. Somehow I forced myself to get up and started to demolish the walls in order to get out. Each time I manage to get through one of them I see that there is another in front of me. And another, and another… Few months ago I started wondering, ok, let’s make an assumption I will eventually get through all of them, and what if there’s nothing out there, what if all I do is pointless. But you know, last 3 weeks gave me some evidence, that there is something, that’s worth all the trouble, I kind of feel like there are colors outside the walls, not just black and more black, there are scents, there is fresh air that makes breathing easy. There are people, who will help me get up. I just can't see it clearly now because of the walls around me. I kind of see the sky, and it makes me believe there is something out there. There are still a lot of walls and other obstacles left, but I got the evidence, it’s not just a belief anymore. And you know, if there is a good place outside this jail, it is for all of us. We just need to get out somehow, and everything will be ok.

[Wynne]

As someone who's just starting the therapy process, it's good to hear the faith you all have in coming out the other side. I just know that where I'm at now is no good, there's _no_ way I'm going back to where I've been, so the only option that presents itself is over and through!

I can't tell you it'll be worth it, earthmama, since you've gone farther than I. But I can thank you for asking that question, and letting this community respond with something I didn't have the courage to ask for. Thank you!

[skeksi]

I've not come through on the other side, so to speak, but I do feel like my therapy has been really helpful to me. The progress I see, and the endpoint I hope for, takes me to a point where I can have love and compassion for myself more often than I hate, hurt, and criticize myself.

Thank you for the replies. I so WANT it to be worth it. Sometimes I think it feels SO worth it, when I feel connected to T, or am able to be more gentle with myself, or can navigate my relationship with H, or realize I can see the "gray" shades in things instead of just black and white.

Before therapy, I was really physically very sick for a long time and after every test imaginable, there was nothing physically wrong with me. Somehow I "knew" it was all emotional stuff and started therapy. I'm not physically sick anymore, and I try to remember how I felt before I started therapy to remind myself that it's better to feel healthy than to feel like that.

But sometimes it's so painful, and scary, and just plain horrible, that it's really easy to convince myself that I'm putting myself through a lot of crap for nothing. I guess that's what I've been working on convincing myself for a while now. And I think the realization that T really, ACTUALLY cares for me as a person, not just as a "client" added a new dimension to the "I have GOT to get out of here" feelings that therapy gives me sometimes.

I liked hearing everyone else's viewpoint on this. It seems like even when people haven't made it to the "other side" they still have hope. Hope is good.

[MissCharlotte]

((em))

The only way out is through. Or so they say. I'm not through yet, but I have been where you are now and in fact I was there a few days ago. It is such a painful place.
I think our tendency to want to run away is the how we coped then, back in the day when we had no other recourse. So, it feels like the thing to do.

Hang in there. You are such a good and caring person...Once you get to know that side of you that we know you will be feeling a bit better!

[chaotic13]

Four weeks ago I was telling myself "$%^# This!" However, shortly after my session last week I started to feel Soooo much better. Guess it's Sunrise's Ebb and Flow concept. I've realized some profound positive changes in my since starting therapy...other times all I can see is how miserable I feel.

[SpottedOwl]

(((earthmama)))

Originally Posted by earthmama

Is there anyone here who has gone through this and come out on the other side? Can you convince me that it is worth it?

I hesitate to say I've made it out the other side, but I do believe that with the help of my T I have a better quality of life and more good days than bad.

I'm not sure I can convince you, but I will say that holding the *belief* that you will feel better, is important. Maybe it is hard to believe every day, and that is ok. Just remind yourself as often as you can that it *is possible*.

I have so many layers of defenses built up, and every time I try to move through them a little bit, there is so much pain.

What if you try to 'be' with your defenses rather than try to move through them? Experience what the defense feels like, what it can be useful for, and how it has protected you in your life.

The defenses are there for a reason. You did the best you could, given the tools you had, and you survived. In fact, it is thanks to your defenses that you are here right now. In other words, you did an amazing job.

*IF* you are now wanting to let the defense down, try thanking it for being there, and protecting you. Let it know that you now have other tools to protect yourself, and that you would like it rest for now.

In my experience, it was much more painful to try to kick out a defense, because they hung on. I find it very helpful to imagine each defense is like a virtual bodyguard. If I just run away from the bodyguard, he'll keep trying to find me because that is his job. If I instead thank him for his service, and let him know he's off-duty, it is much easier.

And what will be there when I get through all of them? Do I even want to know?

The defenses are there because there is something valuable underneath.

I feel so lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Earthmama, it is ok to feel lost. In fact, I'd say it is a good sign. We cannot make progress without changing our view.

I've almost made it, earthmama. I can see the light. Trust me, it's worth it.

Sure, I still slam into a wall and fall down every now and then as I stumble around, trying to deal with life's current issues or triggers from the past. But I don't stay there as long. Once you've seen the light, it's easier to find your way back.

Where you are right now is in the middle of a dark, cold tunnel and you can't see the light at the end. Blind faith is very difficult. Whatever you do, don't turn around and go back.

It will still be a long journey. The pain and fear and all that goes with healing are like boulders piled high on your back. You are exhausted and confused and the weight of it all is too much.

Put the load down and rest for awhile. It won't weigh so much when you pick up and continue your journey to the light.

I'll be waiting . . .

[foreverlost]

I'm thinking that maybe there are lots of people who do make it to the other side, but then they no longer post here??