Protecting myself

It's weird. I have had these wonderful connected sessions lately and T has been such an awesome model of healthy parenting. I know I am so lucky to have this relationship.

This morning I found myself working through some intense feelings of alone-ness. I called T to let him know what I was feeling and asked if he would just leave me a return message letting me know he got my message. I didn't ask for a return call because I know how busy he is on Fridays and it truly wasn't an emergency.

When I left work and turned on my phone there was no message.
I didn't know quite what to do. I was feeling very isolated all of a sudden. Then I realized it was my parent's 60th wedding anniversary. They are both gone now but I realized the genesis of these lonely feelings along with the content of yesterday's session. I called T again and told him what I remembered and that if he could simply call back this afternoon or tomorrow morning, it would mean a lot and give me something to hold onto, as I battle this loneliness.

But when I got in the house I turned off my phone so I wouldn't be anxiously awaiting for it to ring. I wanted to protect myself from the disappointment that accompanies a non response. About four hours later I turned the phone on and no message.

Sigh. No call back yet.

Hi MissCharlotte....

Your not alone.

In my life,,whenever I build upon any expectation outside of myself my odds are less than roulette on a black or red bet...I call expectations pregnant dissappointments...

I'm sorry you didn't get that call...but I'm encouraged on how you handled it..

Be well,

Lenny

Miss C,
I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely. I hope this passes soon.

I agree, it sounds good how you handled it. And it totally bites that there was no call. I'm really sorry =( (((((((((miss c)))))))))) I hope that call comes for you tomorrow.

What went through my mind reading this was, sometimes when I have that wonderful connection with T, I begin to fantasise a lot more about just-how-wonder-it-all-is and though the connectedness was real, the degree to how I react to it increases, perhaps because I am taking it all in so I can relive the times when I was alone, like you said you are feeling/felt and then when I turn to that wonderful connection again, reality hits, T is T and busy and not perfect..its what I made of it in my mind that I am still waiting for...I think this is all done so we can find the courage and reserve to face those age old dark feelings of aloness and abandonment....then we sink into the oppersite fantasise where we're not connected and fight desperately to get back to that wonderful place and somewhere inbetween is reality...sigh, its hard...

Wow, thanks guys. I went to bed so early last night--more protection? Or just rest after a stressful week? Or the fatigue of working through the feelings of isolation and abandonment? I'm not sure, probably all of the above.

Mouse, yes I tend to agree--accepting T's limitations is part of this. The connection is wonderful, but ultimately it is T. I challenge myself to know it is okay to be attached to him--that this is healing. And it always goes back to the abandonment. Sigh.

The hardest part of all of this was calling him the second time. I was so afraid to do that. But he has encouraged me to try him a second time if I need him and so I took him on his word. It felt very very risky. I was really nervous.

After I had my first cup of coffee I turned on my phone. There was a message from him left last night. He told me he had received my message, was sorry he didn't get back to me sooner--that it was a busy day yesterday. He thanked me for leaving the second message. He left a time when I could reach him today if I need him and encouraged me to enjoy the weekend.

You know, I really don't have to call him later. I left another message thanking him for his response and letting him know how meaningful it was to me.

It really is so hard. I guess this is feeling.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad he called back. I ask for messages from T just so I know he's really there and our connection is real....and he ALWAYS calls back....but sometimes if there is a long wait, all of this chatter starts in my head ("see? he's NOT there, it's NOT real!") and then he calls and I feel soothed and okay again. It does feel risky to make those calls - because we are asking for something that we really need, and if we don't get it...what does that mean?!

Now you have his message to listen to this weekend...you know he is really THERE and he cares. I hope that brings you peace and you have a really nice Saturday and Sunday.

I'm glad he called you back and left a message. It is nice to know that someone is out there some times, even if you have to wait a while for the reassurance.

MS...so glad to hear he called...you had me worried for a while

Hope his words can bring some comfort for the rest of the weekend.